I'm not his mom!
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I'm not his mom!
| Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:43pm |
My BF and me are very much in love, we do everything together! But, it seems like he wants me to make all of the decisions. Sometimes he makes me feel like his mom :/ What should I do! I need him to take control sometimes and lead me. I need him to make decisions and voice his opinion and not always look to me for the answers. I'm a tad bit older than him, but that's only by a few months. I just don't understand why he wants me to wear the pants! Yep the mom who cooks and cleans! He's perfectly happy having me wear the apron and the pants. I'm so sad because he almost never wants to lead me, not even when we're being intimate. I always have to initiate sex, and "control" him in that way too. He ALWAYS wants me to be in control of things and I'm getting very tired of it. I just don't want to approach him about this in an offensive way. I need help! I don't want to be my BF's mother! Jeez!

earthenangel,
Does his first name start with a B?? hahahaha! Sorry, but that sounds just like a relationship with an ex of mine. It was a bit worse in that I was financially supporting him as well. He got kicked out of the Navy for smoking pot, went into depression mode, gambled all of his money away and turned into a 5 year old. I stupidly tried to nurse him because I thought one of these days he was going to change. Boy was I wrong.
Anyways, to the point. Part of me wants to tell you that he probably won't ever change. They are who they are. However, I'm sure there are exceptions to any rule, so maybe there is hope. The question you need to ask yourself is what is worth the risk the most. Having a miserable few months going through a break up and possibly finding someone who is more of what you want them to be......or dealing with this the rest of your life......or taking the chance that he'll change????
If you want to give it a shot first to see, you could try a few things to see what he does, like forcing him to take charge for something. Is your birthday or anniversary coming up at all?? If not, you could just slip in his lap, give him a sweet sexy smile and tell him that you would love it if he surprised you with a special date night. The condition is he has to plan everything. See what he does. If he starts to say he can't, his imagination isn't that good, blah blah blah, just look at him and say "Sure you can, I have complete faith in you." Just keep reasuring him and then go from there. If he still bulks or the night is a bust you know his efforts will probably never come into play. Atleast then you will have an educated choice.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
You could try responding as you would to a friend - without making the decision, or smile and say 'whatever you think best' and let it go, meaning don't make the decision. However, this is probably who he is and if you don't like it or are unable to live this way, then you may need to come to terms with the fact that the two of you aren't a good match. You could suggest counseling and bring it up there....
Hopefully someone has some good suggestions for you.
Carrie
I like your ideas very much! Thank you! There is no way I would ever leave him. We share an amazing, beautiful, special, honest love and I believe that all relationships take work. No one is perfect. I love him more than anything in the world! He is my soulmate..... and this is my only issue about him. My birthday passed already, he took me out for a nice dinner and he wrote me the most beautiful letter. It was all very nice! We do have an anniversary coming up and we will be in Chicago so hopefully he'll take some charge there! :)
I'll certainly try out your ideas though! I like your thinkin missy!
How old is he, Earthenangel? That might make a little difference, and how old are you? Does he live at home? Have you talked to him about this? If so, what does he say?
Thanks in advance for your answers, I'll be checking back for them!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
we are a wonderful match! its just that sometimes things arent perfect and they need to be worked through. just because there is a problem I'm not going to discard the most important person in my life. I'm just needin some advice :)
I like the "whatever you think is best" and leaving it at that. good idea!
Do you think that maybe it has something to do with confidence?
I don't think it has as much to do with his confidence as it does his experience. The last thing this guy needs is to move in with his girlfriend and others. He needs what Defleppard suggested in her response to Jenn2350_06, he needs to live on his own, independently, to learn how to make his own choices, his own decisions and live by his own hand. Moving in with you, or others who will enable him (whether you mean to and/or fight him on it or not) will not help him. He'll just transfer being taken care of at home to being taken care of away from home.
And if, in the end, it turns out that he simply always wants to be taken care of and to make no choices or decisions, it doesn't sound like he's the guy for you. You've demonstrated that you want someone who can be your equal, your partner, and be a decision maker. Making the commitment to live with a guy who does not demonstrate the qualities you need seems like a big mistake. It's harder to get out of a situation that's more involved.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
earthenangel,
Aside from my other post, I have to agree with cl-2nd_life. I should have asked for your ages and taken that into consideration. I'm not trying to imply that you both are too young and immature and can't make choices. However, with that at 20 the both of you really need to get out and take care of yourselves indvidually first before moving in together. I went from my parent's home to a home with my ex-husband, never living on my own, taking care of myself, my bills, my laundry, my house, doing my grocery shopping, cooking my meals, and having the fun of no one around to tell you how to do any of it differently.
After my divorce (at 22) I did just that and the experience was amazing. It really helped me grow up into an adult. You are only 20 and you have your whole life ahead of you for living with someone and being in love. Who you think you are now is not going to be who you think you are at 25. You will change as a person, your wants and needs, ideas and views, just your thought process and what you want your life to be like will change.
Part of me has to wonder too, (and this is just my opinion from my experience because I was you along time ago) at 20 your BF is perfect, he is your soul mate and no matter how much being his mother bothers you you will be able to live with it for the rest of your life because you love him that much. At 25, you probably are going to think alot differently. I could be way wrong, I'm just throwing that out there because that's what I went through.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I have to agree with cl-2nd_life and defleppardgal - especially the 'experience' part - but I would add, being passive is part of his personality, his character and most likely that will not change, especially if he never sees a need to change that about himself, it isn't something that can be 'worked' through. Him living on his own could help it, but if he moves in with you, he will expect the dynamics of your relationship to remain the same, you leading and my personal opinion is that is not a match since you are already noticing that you don't like it - it's basic incompatiblity on a huge issue, every thing else may be great, but this will get old as defleppardgal said as you get older.
There are a few good books out there on the dynamics of Adult-Adult and Parent-Child relationships within intimate relationships.
Carrie