I'm not needy!
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| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:14pm |
It's a long story, but I'll try to compress it. Basically my boyfriend and I have been through many hurdles, those of which had to do with his addiction to Amphetamines and his depression issues which ultimately led to a breakdown, which ultimately led to him going off to a treatment center for 8 weeks. We did end up breaking up because he was supposedly going to go to a step-down treatment which would've been for 3 additional months..and he didnt want the pressures of a relationship hindering his recovery. It was a valid enough reason, although it was very painful to let go of someone that I had cared for and loved consistantly & selflessly. Anyway, the place turned out to be not right for him, so he came back home (to go through outpatient therapy here & begin his life again) thus wanting to continue our relationship. So we did. And to be honest, it's been the best it's EVER been. He's changed so much...we're so happy together. We're silly and fun, we do so many things together...Everything is fantastic..well almost. The other night, he completely blew me off and ended up hanging out with his friend...and did not call me. So, I gave hima lot of grief about that... not in a nasty way.. but in a way he knew that he screwed up. He felt VERY terribly about what he'd done. A few days go by and things are fine. Yesterday we made plans to go to the mountains and catch the sunset.. He calls me a few hours later and says..."Oh my friend wants to go to the batting cages, I figured since I'm telling you this, it will be okay." Needless to say, I was UPSET. It's almost as if he doesn't understand common courtesy! He claims that we spend soooo much time together, and he doesnt want to lose track of his friends now ...but is he losing track of me? Yes, we hang out a lot..but if you make plans stick to them right? What is a decent way to talk to him about all of this and tell him how hurt I felt? What is a FAIR way...of going about this? I don't want to be a catty person or bitter..cause I love him, and this is minor, but I want to be fair to the both of us.
Okay, we just spoke..and I told him that he did really hurt me yesterday and he said it's just so hard because we always seem to have plans and his friend only has limited times he can hang out because of his work schedule. Can anyone suggest a better way to manage his time? I told him I hate feeling like he thinks im needy and I demand his attention because I don't.
I can see his point of view... we DO see each other lots. But I told him he wouldn't blow off his friend for me, and he said, "You're probably right." So I think he's understanding where I'm coming from. I just want to be fair.. He says his friend is really spontaneous and has limited days he can/wants to hang out. What could I suggest?

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Welcome to the board, Shuttterbug ~
First of all, I hope this friend is a clean and sober friend.....!
I would suggest sitting down with him and setting some "solid, no break date days". If you generally see each other four days a week, set two days a week as non-negotiable, non-changeable days to be together, or whatever number sounds right and reasonable to you. You can still see each other the full four days, but two of them are days you're willing to accept plans to change, his friend to free up, etc. Or perhaps it would work better (and send a better message) to simply cut down the number of days you see each other; that gives him more days to be available for friends and probably will result in him being more adamant about seeing you, since he won't see you as often. Another thing I'd really urge is that you not be so available. I'm not suggesting game playing and pretending to be unavailable, I am suggesting you go out with your own friends more often, have reason to break a few planned dates with him yourself. Not only will it be good for you to have the time doing something else, it'll also make you less upset about his changed plans since there will be less opportunity for them. It also will likely be a bit of a wake up call for him that you're not just sitting at home waiting for him.
Congratulations to him on his sobriety. How long has he been out of outpatient treatment? Is he attending NA?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you 2nd life!!!
I'm sorry I am so rude, I didn't even really say hello to anyone here... I just wanted to write it all out while it was so fresh in my mind.. so Hello Everyone!!!
Anyway, your suggestions are great. With him, I try my best to remain calm and understanding because I feel that he's more delicate now...things are a bit newer to him. I feel that he almost has to relearn being a boyfriend. I know he doesn't do this out of spite or to be malicious, it's just his mind is a bit different from "normal" people... if that doesn't sound so harsh. Which is why I wanted to know how to handle that without going off the deep end. My first reaction is to scream and tell him he's being selfish.. but I don't want to do that to him. I also don't want to be taken advantage of though. I will start to make more plans without him. It's just so hard because Ilove being around him. We actually used to live together before this.
He is staying sober.. that is the reason I am with him. It was heartbreaking to see him "dying" pretty much. I don't think I could go through that again. He is working to get his life back together and I am more than there for him. He does not attend NA (he did at the treatment center), but he is being closely monitored. He also does go to therapy. He was actually in an inpatient setting for 8 weeks...which helped so much. He was almost a different person when he got out!
Thank you for listening... it helps a lot.
shutterbug,
In all fairness while he's trying to relearn how to be a boyfriend, you have to learn how to be a girlfriend of an ex-addict who is sensitive. Personally for me, breaking plans here and there isn't a reason to scream and yell and call someone selfish. But that's me too and everyone is different. In my opinion I think you are more sensitive about it because you enjoy his company and want to be with him so much. But, because of this you can't make it seem like he has to be in your company all the time and nothing can ever come up. Things come up, people just have to go with the flow.
I have to say that in my opinion (I don't mean to offend you in any way and I'm sorry if I do) you are being a bit selfish here too. I'm not saying that it's acceptable for him to break plans with you all the time, but occasionally if it comes up he shouldn't be berated for it. You need to have alittle respect for his feelings too in this. He has friends and there are going to be times where he wants to spend time with those friends. Doing so shouldn't be a bad thing. Have you ever wondered about all the times he broke plans with them for you?? I'm sure that it's gone both ways.
All in all I think that all couples need time away from eachother and time with their friends. Going through what he's gone through hasn't been easy and I'm sure that although he loves to spend time with you, his friends are still important to him. He should have time with them as well. If that means sometimes an "oops" happens so be it. Just shrug your shoulders and go do your own thing. I know it's hard. But it's going to happen. You never know, sometime in the future you might have to do it him and I'm sure he will be understanding instead of critical.
I agree with cl-2nd_life in that you should sit down and make a plan for what's acceptable and what's not. That would be the best fix to this problem. I have to wonder though, is the reason only because you enjoy his company or is there a part of you that thinks once he's out of your sight he'll go back to the old him?? Maybe there's some trust issues that you need to work out with yourself to help let you go of what happened in the past.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Hi Defleppardgirl,
You're absolutely right on all of your points..except I think you misread somethings :) When I said that to scream and yell is my first reaction (to my poor ex boyfriends), I meant I've never done that to HIM. Because I couldn't bring myself to do that with him. He has changed me (for the better) I think, and brought all of this compassion I didn't know I had!
The only issue I am having is just trying to figure out how to manage his time better.. I never berate him for being with his friends, in fact, I encourage it! I'm so glad he's able to socialize and be healthy. The first time he did a no call/no show sort of deal (hopefully the only time) I wasn't necessarily harsh, but I made my point known that I was very hurt by it. He got the point. Which is why I was sort of upset yesterday when we had set plans and he just disregarded me to go hang with a bud. After talking with him and reading the responses on here, I feel a little bit better because he's not intentionally doing this. He's just having a hard time SORTING his time..if that makes sense. I'm in no way wanting to control him, in fact I've told him I don't NEED all of his time. I just feel hurt when I get blown off.
I do enjoy his company completely. I'll admit it makes it easier to see him and see him HEALTHY yes..but I don't feel I'm a necessary asset in his staying sober. Thank you again for your thoughts, I really appreciate them. I will definitely talk with him about how to go about managing his time. I just wanted to know the best way to do it. :)
shutterbug,
I'm sorry that I misread things in your post. I have a tendency to do things like that sometimes. :) He is a very lucky guy to have such an understanding girlfriend. The no call/no show thing would have bugged me too, I thought that he had called and canceled, not done that. I can see the gut reaction of screaming would come into play. hahaha!
The only reason I could think that he has trouble sorting his time would be because of what's he's going through. I'm sure that even though he's getting through being sober, his brain still thinks about it all the time. I'm sure that he's got to keep himself constantly busy to help ease the commotion going on in his head. Because of this he's probably going to be alittle scatterbrained. Aren't we all sometimes?? hahaha!
Hopefully this will be a two time deal and things will work themselves out after you talk about it.
Best of luck to you,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
As far as he's concerned. Why isn't he still in NA? Working your program is important to continued sobriety. What do you mean he's "being monitored closely"? By who? Being monitored is not going to keep him sober and it's not putting the responsibility where it belongs -- with him. He's responsible for his own choices, no one should be "watching over him". How long has he been out of treatment? Are you attending Nar-Anon? If now, you should be, it will help being in a relationship with an addict a lot easier and make a lot more sense. If you need help finding a group in your area, check here:Nar-Anon Groups or call your local NA group for the local Nar-Anon number.
If he's fairly new in recovery, you should know he's still finding his way and won't be "settled" for a while yet. He probably won't be who you've known him to be in the past because he isn't that same person -- as long as he's working the program, that is.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 4/18/2006 11:37 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It is rude, you're right. But I do see his logic behind it. Doesn't excuse it, but that is why I wanted some advice on the matter. Sometimes I feel like he is a baby almost...just learning how to deal with certain things that are common sense to most people.
As far as NA goes, I am not really sure what's happening with that. We've decided not to live together (for at least six month) and he lives with his parents..who monitor him. He was addicted to prescrip. meds, & he doesn't have access to a doctor that will prescribe him his "drug of choice" if you will. I know that he can fall back on anything though. I have done lots of research regarding addicts and I know that there's always more that I can learn so I'll keep the NA meetings in my mind.
He is working closely with a counselor who is a pastor of the family as well. He is also going to see doctors on a regular basis. I know that this is going to be a struggle for a while... which is hard to come to terms with. People often ask why I'm with him & I'm so young etc...But we've been through so much. I feel a close connection with him.
I will definitely look up the NA meetings...I feel we should go together, I really want to help him work through this. Thanks again love :)
NA is not something you attend together. Your program is completely different than his. NA meetings are for addicts, Nar-Anon meetings are for family and friends of addicts. It's important that the addict be in a meeting environment that is confidential. He won't feel free to speak what's really on his mind and be honest about himself if you are there. Same goes for you and Nar-Anon meetings. You can't really get to what you want/need to talk about with him in the room. It's important to have these separate places to get support and learn and to be free to say what you want and need to. It's also important to know that you can and should be attending Nar-Anon whether he attends NA or not, it'll help you manage your end of the situation in a healthy way.
Other programs are great, meeting with the pastor is great, but they can't take the place of NA; they won't have the same effect, won't do the same good. Getting down, real and honest with a group of fellow addicts is important; you can't get that anywhere else. Notice that even in treatment they encorporated NA into the program; that's why -- it's important. Of course you can't *make* him go, it's his recovery, his choice, but I guarantee you he was encouraged to continue NA upon graduation of his treatment, and I guarantee you his treatment program didn't suggest or advocate that meetings with a pastor or anyone else would take the place of NA or a similar program. You can't *help him through this*. You can support his efforts, but the work is his to do. You're not the addict, he is, you can't help or fix his problem or his struggles, only he can do that. It's easy and understandable that you'd want to do everything you can to help him, but it's not yours to do, and in the attempt to "help" you wind up being codependant and/or enabling. You might want to check in with the Dealing with Addictions board.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 4/17/2006 6:33 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Shutterbug,
Let me see if I am hearing you correctly and I apologize in advance if I surmised too much from what you've wrote thus far.
He broke up with you so that he could focus on his treatment.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
He is in a place where he can't exactly be back on his own but the step-down programs were degrading to the point where the only option is working consistantly with a counselor and psychiatrist/psychologists as well as his family. There really is no in between in his case.
As far as the NA meetings go..that's soley up to him and I'm not sure what's happening as far as that goes. I have to be honest, I don't know much about anything since he's come home. I don't think he wants to talk about that with me. I do agree though that he needs to continue bettering his life.
I didn't know we couldn't attend together. I was just saying that I want to be a part of his recovery process...his support. He's lost many friends over this, I don't want him to ever feel hopeless.
Thank you for all of your insight, I'll definitely take everything into consideration. You've opened my mind to a lot!
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