I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO BELIEVE?
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I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO BELIEVE?
| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:39am |
My friend recomended this site!!!! So here's my story and question. I'm in a long term relationship. My boyfriend and I we're seperated because of working issues. Now he's back and while he was gone he got a cell phone. So I was interested and started looking at it and he became very gaurded. I was a little taken back with this. He's always been very personal with his money but it's his money. It was just so unlike him. So of course I was curious as to why he was acting this way. I asked him why I could'nt look at his phone. He responded because you dont konw what you are doing and it needs to charge I have to shut it off. Meanwhile he was not using the phone because there was no need for it here. So when I had a chance I looked at the phone. It took me a while to find anything. And I did. I found all these text messages!!! There was all kind of messages. Things like oh give me kisses. I love the way you touch me. I love the way you kiss. When am I going to see you again? I mean some really personal stuff! And there must have been over fifty messages. So needless to say I confronted him about all the messages while showing them to him on his phone. He looked at me sat me down and proceeded to tell me they werent his messages! That they were his friends messages to his girlfriend. I was curious as to why he would let someone else text all those messages on his phone because that causts money. He said his friend had bad credit and couldnt get a cell phone so his friend asked him to get texting on his phone and he would pay for it. So he says thats what he did. Part of me believes him and part of me doesnt. I would never expect for him to cheat on me. But he did cheat on his ex girlfriends. But i am also his longest relationship hes ever had and likewise. I know he loves me and i love him. But on all othr topics I can always tell he's telling the truth. But this I just can't tell. Please some help here. Please list your opinion!!! thanks!

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Sorry, but the excuse about a bad credit friend is lame and implausible. You can buy prepaid phones everywhere, you don't need good credit to get them. Let me ask you this, would you send texts to the phone of a friend of your boyfriend with things like "Oh give me kisses", "I love the way you touch me", "I love the way you kiss" and "When am I going to see you again?" I doubt it. Don't you think that's just a little too far out there?
He's away on a work issue and comes back with a new cell and sexy messages from a girl. Sounds like he had opportunity to fool around and found what he was looking for. Guys who have a history of cheating will also have a future of cheating.
See #5:
7 Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
Sorry, Kelly.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What guy would let another guy send sexy messages on his phone?? That's like you letting your girlfriend get it on with her boyfriend in YOUR bed.
Deep down I think you know the truth, even though the lie is easier to believe. I'm sorry. This sucks.
HE sucks!
Hi there Kelly,
While I agree with much of what the other people posting on here are telling you - I would have to caution you to just assume that they are correct and he is cheating on you.
I agree with them, that the signs are there and you most certainly should be (as you are) suspicious about his behavior. HOWEVER, I do not feel that you have enough evidence to call him on his apparent cheating.
His excuse, could just be an excuse, or it could be the truth (however far-fetched it may seem now). While his history of cheating on girlfriends would put me in a similar place to other here (really not believing the lame excuses), I feel that you have to give you SO the benefit of the doubt....that the far-fetched can and does happen.
That doesn't mean that you should ignore what you know. Just the opposite....you should continue to try and find what the truth is. Are you able to talk with his friend and ask questions of him? Have you tried callling or having him call (on speaker) the numbers on his phone?
I'm just pointing out that we need to trust our SO. I had a situation similar, where my fiance was a little suspicius about her phone. It wasn't what I thought it was.
::YOU WRITE/ASK::I know he loves me and i love him. But on all othr topics I can always tell he's telling the truth. But this I just can't tell. Please some help here. Please list your opinion!!! thanks!
I think you should continue to follow up. You should explain to him your insecurities about this and ask his help in alleviating those insecurities. Things you and he can do to help (or to find the truth):
1. He lets you review his cell phone bill. You match times and dates with the texting to this girl with other times on your calendar where you know where he was.
2. He lets you call his friend and in a way where you know he didn't get to prep his friend on your call coming. You can follow up on items in 1. as well.
3. You send a text to the number or he lets you borrow his phone and together you send a suggestive text message similar to others that were sent. Both of you wait to see the response(s) together.
4.You call the number or you both call the number so you can get comfortable that he isn't cheating on her with you.
If I found myself in his position, I would do all those things for you and us so that we could put this behind us (of course I know I have nothing to hide and wish you trusted me, but I'd still do what I could to help you with your insecurities). If I were cheating, I would be defensive and would make excuses why you and or I should not do these things.
I believe others will tell you that it doesn't really matter what the truth is. You may not be able to prove anything and you should be able to trust the person you are with. I think this is true if you have a healthy level of self esteem and don't have trust issues yourself. His history of cheating on others can and should influence your ability to trust him not to do the same to you and his ability to open up to you in order to earn your trust.
I'm sorry you find yourself in your current situation and wish you all the best.
I also think checking up on someone bull@#$# story is degrading, why even suggest you believe such ridiculous bull in the first place?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hey 2nd life:
I think you may have missed my point. Those things were suggestions on ways that she can go about getting to the truth. Maybe you have better ideas you can add to the list - to make up for my ideas that you think are bad ideas.
My point is that she can tell a lot more from the situation just from how he responds to these requests. She might or might not find anything out to help her know one way or another what the truth is. She might only be finding out that she has an emotionally unsupportive boyfriend by doing so - or she might find out something different.
My point is that someone who is cheater or is cheating will be very defensive on why he can't help his SO with her insecurity/trust issues about him and this situation. How can you not want to help someone you love with this when you have nothing to hide and all they are asking nicely for is you help to get over this?
::You wrote::I also think checking up on someone bull@#$# story is degrading, why even suggest you believe such ridiculous bull in the first place?
Isn't feeling cheated on and lied to 1000 times more degrading then doing something about it to find out if your feelings are valid? We have feelings all the time that don't turn out to be what we think they are.
It isn't suggesting you believe it is true. It is telling the person you love and want a life with that you don't believe it and asking for their help to believe or trust what they are saying.
Like I said in my first post - others will tell her it doesn't matter if she doesn't trust, it isn't worth it and you should walk away. I just see it different...wierd things do happen. People do change (people who have never cheated - cheat. People who used to cheat - grow up and stop. People who have trust issues - walk away from everyone. People who have trust issues - get over them and see them for what they are).
She has every right to question this situation to find out more about it. She also has every right to walk away without doing so. I believe the former is the right thing to do - others believe the later may be.
I just didn't relate at all to all the woman here that were telling her that she should run. I wouldn't have if (actually when I did) I found myself in her fact situation.
PS - ::U WROTE:: The questions and answers she wants need to be voice to voice, not text.
I disagree with this as well. If he is cheating, she doesn't know the other woman's voice nor does she know if they ever even communicate by actual cell phone calls vs. text. She knows they have sent at least 50 text messages. She doesn't know of any actual phone calls.
Based just on what you typed in your 1st message (I haven't read any of the responses yet), my gut reaction is that although it is an interesting "excuse" for all those text messages, I'm thinking they were probably text messages your boyfriend was engaging in.
Best wishes to you no matter what you decided to do.
Annika
Brightest Blessings, Annika
Hope you figure it out! ;)
Good Luck
Sorry, Iled, I guess I should reread your post. To me, it seemed to be saying that her boyfriend's excuse was plausible and reasonable. I didn't read it as what you're saying now as all. I apologize for misreading it.
My point about calling vs. text was that she wouldn't even know if it was a girl who was replying to her text; at least by phone she'd have some idea that she was at least speaking to the right sex - much less chance of being bamboozled further that way.
"Maybe you have better ideas you can add to the list - to make up for my ideas that you think are bad ideas." All opinions and ideas are welcome, and giving individual views on suggestions offered isn't unusual on boards and isn't off limits. I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong by saying what I thought about your suggestions, sorry you (apparently) felt otherwise. I meant no disrespect, but I did disagree.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
Edited 3/19/2007 1:37 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm not offended at all. I am almost always the other opinion presented here. Most usually, I get attacked as a result of presenting that other opinion as being insulting or offensive. I really don't care how she went about finding out the truth before giving up on her relationship and husband.
And I have to say why that is and hearing this may be offensive to you and others, but it is my truth and one of the reasons that I come to this Board and The Relationship Saver Board:
The overwelming majority of people who post her are woman responding to woman. While that may seem like it is great, it is not, in my view. Often the opinions, like on this string, are very very one-sided and pointed towards recommending the OP leave the person they are with.
I see it here and on the Relationship Saver Board ALL the time. By CL's and by others. While sometimes it may seem like the obvious advice for you and others to give someone (like this string), the reality of the responses is that they are at best suggesting that they themselves (the respondent) would leave the person they are with if they found themselves in the shoes of the OP. Often the responses are coaching the person to leave and how to go about it. Sometimes it is even an urgent response to leave immediately. While that may be an appropriate response sometimes, often it is a response that is HORRIBLE advise to the OP. Just like this string....sorry, horrible advise - go read your original response....you were telling her to leave and referenced to official relationship material that she should pay attention to as support for why her relationship won't work. You told her to run. Thank God she didn't listen.
They come here and the Relationship Saver board looking for help and they get steared in the direction that best serves the person responding - not the OP. The responding person often is looking for someone to join them in their own misery because, afterall, men are - stupid, cheaters, lame, clueless, unemotional, selfish....etc. etc.
This is the Norm here. Even if you and others can't see that. Yes, sometimes people do get good advise, yet often the advise they get is so bias I can't believe you and other CL's don't see that (and often join right in with the crowd).
True example: Men strikes a woman...run for the hills now! Leave this man and call the police on him!!!
Woman strikes man in the face....he shouldn't be so sensitive to her emotional reactions. She should leave him and look for a more understanding man. You may think it isn't this obvious - but often it is.
It is almost like those two boards are often the first exposure that these people get to the world of help that is out there - and just like when couples go to couple's couseling together for the first time, if they get a crappy counselor that doesn't make 'the relationship' their client - they will often forever turn one or both of that couple off to couneling the rest of their lives. Or they follow the advise of the crappy counselor and ruin/end their relaitonship.
I've gotten many responses, offline, thanking me for offering a different perspective. One that is what they were looking for ....help to save their relaitonship or improve a relationship problem. Not how to end it or if they should - there are other boards for that. I've beenn told that my counter point saved lives and relationships. Maybe just like this time?
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