I'm really trying here....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
I'm really trying here....
9
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 5:09am

I'm really trying to understand my boyfriend of almost two years.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 12:59pm

Hey there, Lunarshadow26 ~

As you've already indicated, these are his insecurities, not yours, therefore, there's really nothing you can do to resolve them for him.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 1:49pm
Hi lunarshadow. I agree these are his insecurities. When men or women enter relationships with already attached insecurities, there really is very little the other person can do to help them get over the insecurities. I have been there, done that. You already understand that part.

What baffles me though, when someone is fairly unhappy about something that is so fixable, that they do NOTHING about it. I just don't get it. I mean there are home workout tapes, gyms, food choices, fitness routines (Power 90 comes to mind). He could fairly quickly (like in 90 days) get the ripped abs he's dreaming about, but yet he does nothing.

Maybe you could lead by example? Mention to him that you wish your butt were smaller (just an example - doesn't even have to be body related) so you're going to start going to the gym and making healthier food choices. If he wants to join you he is welcomed or even ask him for his support because having a supporting partner makes a difference. Whatever goals you have or are unhappy about, you can show him that people do fix things themselves whatever it may be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:28pm
Both are tied back to the same thing. Before we were a couple, we were close friends, and he was getting over his first love. They had been broken up for about a year, but it was hard for him to get over her because she would keep contacting him. For the first six months of our relationship, he was working through the last of his emotions, and I was being supportive. It wasn't till after he was completely over everything that I became very insecure about his ex (I guess it finally hit me lol). They weren't even talking very much at that point. He's finally cut contact with her (for about 3 months now) because I asked him to. He happly agreed, and since then things have been great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:39pm
As a New Year's Resolution we are both eating right. We've cut soda completely out, he's cut out bread and tortilla, and we both are incorporating more fruits and veggies. So that's already going great.

The spring semester for us begins this tuesday, and he's determined to ride his bike to school the majority of the time.

He does want to change, but his work schedule has been really hectic. He works landscape in the mornings three-four times a week, and works a retail job in the afternoons/evenings about the same. So when he gets home he's exhausted.

lol, if I told him I wanted a smaller butt he would be really sad ;)

If he could, he would go back to our neighborhood mixed martial arts class. We tried it with a friend for a couple months one summer, and it was great. He always says he was in his best shape while we were taking them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:02pm
Sounds like he could be trimming up as a result of some new resolutions!

I hope it carries through for him. He's just got to keep it a priority even when he's tired. I understand this too as I work and go to school too. It is amazing how much you can loose when cutting out breads and tortillas really. I eat it sin small quantities now and some meals not at all, but make sure to up the lean proteins too. Also, as his diet improves he will have increased energy too even with a physical job. A great diet is like the best drug in the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:19pm
As we will soon discover, I'm sure :)
I have a feeling that this will be a really good year.
Time to make things happen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:55pm

I read the other responses and I have to say something different, even if you don't agree with it.

Stop drawing attention to his stomach.

It doesn't make him feel better... It makes him feel as though a part of himself that he doesn't like is being put in the spotlight. Maybe you would like it if he visibly showed affection for parts of you that you might not love about yourself, but clearly he doesn't enjoy it. Your intentions are kind, but they're not working.

So, stop. Let him have his insecurity and just work around it. If you completely accept him then you'll respect his desire to have his stomach left alone, or at least not have deliberate attention drawn to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 9:43pm

I agree with undercovercrab.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:56am

It sounds like he has a history of not dealing with problems; you've mentioned his self esteem and in taking charge of stopping contact with his ex.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_