Inlaw question...long

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Inlaw question...long
5
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 12:45pm
I also posted this under the Dealing w/Inlaws but someone here might have some insight on this issue.

My husband and I have been together for over 5 years now but married only 3-1/2. From the beginning his parents have loved me and accepted me immediately into the family. It took a while for his brother (who he is very close to) and SIL to come around but eventually they did. His sister and I have always gotten along.

Well...several months ago I began to have some issues with my husband and our marriage. I wasn't happy and didn't know what to do. My husband is very anal about things and I'm very laid back. I always felt like I had to walk around on eggshells or he would get upset. Naturally, this wasn't healthly. This was a very hard time for both my husband and I but we've been to counseling and have learned to communicate with each other and things have gotten so much better. We're actually happy.

However, during the difficult time, my husband shared a lot of details about our problems with his brother and SIL. He even forwarded emails I wrote to him about my feelings and concerns to them "to gain insight". The email replies he rec'd from the SIL were very negative about me. Keep in mind, no one in his family EVER asked me about our situation. My SIL said she never liked the way I talked to my husband...and I can't figure out what she means by that. I'm not one to yell, belittle, or say anything negative about (or to) my husband. One day I found a check my MIL wrote to my husband for a divorce attorney. That hurt. Yes, we had problems but it had only been a month. Everyone in his family cut off ties to me.

I even sent a nice email to my SIL trying to salvage our relationship. The response rec'd back was horrible. She stated that I didn't respect my husband and a bunch of other untrue things. I was devestated. His sister and I were emailing back and forth but she to has stopped. When his mom calls our house and I answer she talks to me for a second then gets off the phone.

I've talked to my husband several times about this situation. He says that they are hurt and are afraid I'll hurt him again. Ok, I can understand that. He says that I need to do everything to rectify the situation. This is where I have a major problem. The marriage problems were between my husband and I. They were issues WE had to deal with. I decided to be completly honest with my husband in regards to the feelings and issues I felt we had in our marriage. I can understand his need to talk to someone but he shared way to many details with his family. He understands that sending my emails to his SIL was wrong, but that's where it ends. I've taken the steps to go over to SIL house for dinner w/hubby and try to be nice to her. She won't say a word to me and won't even look in my direction.

I recently graduated college and no one in his family (except his mom) even told me congratulations. I used to get emails from them w/pictures of my niece and nephew and that has stopped. I asked my hubby about this and he said they got confused about my email address. My email address hasn't changed in over 2 years. I would still send them pictures (my graduation for example) using email and they still couldn't hit the reply button to say congrats or send back any type of response. This really hurt because my going back to school and graduating is a big deal to me.

I'm not blaming anyone for this sitation. I take responsibility for my actions but don't really feel they were wrong as I needed to say what had to be said to my husband. Yes, I could have handled the overall sitation a little differently but I'm not sure the overall outcome would have been much different. My husband and I would still be hurt. It's not like I ever said I didn't love him, regretted getting married, or wanted a divorce. That never entered my mind.

So, any advice? I'm honestly at the point where I don't care and I don't want to be there. I'm not sure if over time things will change for the better.

Thanks for listening and for giving me any insight into this situation.

Monkey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 1:46pm
This is so unfair, yet all too typical of inlaws!

My advice: discuss this issue with your husband and your couple's therapist soon. Your husband should not be letting his family ignore you like this, over a normal marital fight! It's like he's letting them "punish" you and that's wrong.

Also, what about the fact that HE hurt YOU too? He's not the innocent victim here! It takes two to make a fight or a problem in the first place.

You can see from my reply that I've been in your situation too. Talking about it with our therapist was the first time my husband even began to see my side and how I might feel. Before that it was all about how his mom feels and how he feels.

In the meantime ask your husband how he would feel if you told your whole family about every fight you had and sent them his emails to comment on. This is an issue of respect and he isn't giving you any, and neither is his family, and that needs to change!

I know you don't want to blame anyone so maybe you could show him the replies you get- to show him you're not the only one who sees something wrong with this picture!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:34pm
My husband now sees the mess he created by sharing personal information w/his family. I've also told him I'm not going to crawl on my hands and knees to try and get his family to accept me again. We're married, we worked out our problems and they need to GET OVER IT.

Can you tell I've had it with this situation? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:26pm


You haven't shared anything about what you said/wrote about him that your husband shared with his family. It's impossible to judge whether or not his family, therefore, is being unreasonable.

I have a brother, and if his wife questioned their relationship and their basic compatibility, and he told me about that, I would try to give him compassionate advice and be as reasonable about it as possible. Especially since I know what it's like to live with him! I certainly wouldn't bear my sil any bad feelings for being ill-at-ease in the relationship.

However, if he forwarded emails that she had written him that were demeaning, belittling, abusive, and/or threatening, I think I'd write a check for the divorce lawyer, too.

Details, please, as many as possible, about EXACTLY what you said to your husband that he shared with them. Until you do that, you won't get back any replies that address your situaiton with any real accuracy.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 6:08pm
What transpires or already transpired between you and your husband is none of their business. You say he passed along e-mails from you to them - with or without your permission? And what did they say? Frankly, I think it was a big mistake to send them those e-mails, since you said they were things you needed to say to your husband - THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN KEPT PRIVATE. So in effect, HE involved them by doing that, he invited them into your marriage, he crossed boundaries he hasn't bothered to put into place - a HUGE mistake, and now there's hell to pay. That wasn't necessary and it wasn't intelligent, we can think all kinds of things about people, but they don't have to know it all. It would be nice if you could get along with all of them, it'd be nice if you'd win the lottery, too, but it takes two to tango. Stay in counseling and get some professional feedback about this, but if they've already decided they won't allow you in anymore, you can't change their thinking. The only thing you can change is you, all I can suggest is just enjoy your improved marriage and quit wasting so much time worrying about how much they like you, it sounds like everything is forced, anyway. They certainly CAN continue to send pictures of your nieces and nephews, they can send them to your husband, but to not send them at all is just being vindictive. It sounds like everyone involved seems to think everybody ELSE owes them an apology, and nobody is budging. Good luck, you'll need it, I think this has the potential to screw up your marriage.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 4:20am
Without having read the other replies to your post, I don't know if I'm repeating what's been said. But in my opinion this situation has been caused BY YOUR HUSBAND and hence it is your husband that needs to rectify the situation. He has not behaved in a particularly loyal manner and discussing marital problems with other members of the family is never a good idea.

I also think that your husband forwarding your very personal e-mails 'to gain insight' was an enormous breach of trust and to forward it to other family members shows a huge error in judgement.

Your husband needs to confront his brother and SIL and clarify things and ask them (or beg) if he has to, for THEM to make an effort with HIS wife, since ultimately what they are doing is only hurting him.

To reiterate, unless you have upset/insulted your in-laws (which it doesn't sound like you have) you have NOTHING to apologize for and your SIL should be a little bit more mature and realize that your marital problems have nothing to do with her.

I do wish you all the best.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox