Insecurity in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Insecurity in a relationship
20
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 11:26am

Hello. I wanted to come on this website to get some unbiased insight/advice.

I have been in a committed relationship for over 8 years. Since day one, I have been jealous. I don’t care that he looks at woman, speaks to a woman, etc. What I DO care about is when he wants to go out to lunch with a woman or texts a woman.

He has never given me a reason not to trust him. He is an honest person and a “likeable” guy and has always had girls that were friends. Therefore, he finds it incredibly aggravating when I throw a jealous fit if he wants to meet an old college friend for lunch or he gets a random text message from a co-worker.

First of all, am I totally out of line that I do not feel “comfortable” that he wants to go to lunch solo with an old friend (this happens very seldom)?

Am I acting crazy that I care that some female co-worker texts him?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:51pm
I can see why you may be insecure. For one, I see no reason why he has to take another female out to lunch SOLO. To me that's a date. If this is all above board then can't he invite YOU along too? I wouldn't be too happy either if my H was taking another woman out to lunch or texting/emailing a female co woker ( unless of course the texts/emails are work related) You have a right to your feelings about this reguardless of what he thinks is right. Problem is he's dismissing your feelings about this and seems to have an "I can do what I want attitude" whether it hurts/bothers you or not.
Maybe it's time to sit down and have a talk about boundaries in your relationship and what you both are comfortable with. Would HE be comfortable if YOU were accepting lunch dates with other men? Or texting male co workers? Maybe you and him have different values and boundaries about what's acceptable in a comitted relationship. Which of course is going to cause some major incompatibility issues and fights, now and down the road. It may be time to look at whether you want to stay in this relationship. GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 4:08pm

I have to disagree on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 4:48pm

Peaceyma, just to be clear, the OP hasn't suggested that he's "taking a woman out to lunch".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 6:47pm

Much depends on the frequency and context of the texts. Are they daily or once in a while. Are they just general talk or flirtatious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 6:51pm

Yes that does make a difference doesn't it. Also how frequent are these lunches with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 10:58am

First of all, I want to thank you all for your replys.

Now I will try to answer all your questions:

@peaceyma: There have been times where he would invite me along. But since I acted insecure a few

years back, he hasn't gone out to lunch with a friend for a long time. To answer your other question, he

actually would be OK with me going to lunch with a male friend, unless it happened all the time.

As for your reply about the frequency of the texts, I am referring to one girl he worked with. She sends

him a message maybe once a week or two. They are typically texts of her making a "silly" face and

saying something about what is going on in her life or she misses him and the other people they

worked with.


@musiclover12: I definitely trust my guy but as I told him, I do not trust some of these girls. He has

said to me several times, "if you trust me, that is all that matters." I know he is right, but that doesn't

mean that I have to be comfortable with some the woman he has talked to or talks to. You also have

a point about not having to be involved in his "outings" it would probably be weird for me and make

me seem a little like a helicopter. One of the friends he used to have lunch with occasionally has

moved out of state. I never met her, I just heard things about her and wasn't a fan. He hasn't

talked to her in a long time. Most of the girls he has talked to are females he has known a

long time and is catching up with...I just get my wheels turning and think stupid things. When

I act insecure, it definitely gets him upset, since I am questioning his integrity. He has said,

he gets so much grief for doing nothing wrong. I have been cheated on before, many years

ago. I was younger then so I feel like I should be over that by now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 11:17am

The thing is that if your BF is trustworthy, it shouldn't matter how flirty or manipulative these women are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 3:39pm

Would it bother me if my hubby went to lunch with a female co-worker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 4:11pm

I know how you feel, as I have a hard time trusting SO. He is the most honest and trustowrthy man I have ever met, and it bothers him that I have trust issues with him. But he understands why (because of my lying cheating scumbag ex). So it has become something we work on together (sort of). By that I mean, he knows about how I feel (all men cheat) and he knows he will not, so he doesn't worry about it. He just reminds me that he loves me, and he wants to be with me.

Would I mind if he had lunch or even dinner with a female friend? No, absolutely not. I won't stop him from enjoying himself because of my hang up. He frequently plays golf and is paired with other women, and he hsa some that he likes to be partnered with. And some of them are single. It is okay with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 4:42pm

Thanks True Blue, apparently, I am having computer issues. It looked fine when I tried to preview what I wrote but comes out looking funky. I tried to change it so you could read everything that I wrote and it still looks all messed up when it posts but at least you can see what I wrote.

Pages