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|Thu, 05-15-2003 - 9:40am|
Last year, my husband started talking to another woman at all times of the day and night and treating me like crap. I didn't know why and I asked him several times to tell me what was going on. I even asked his mother if she had noticed anything different about his behavior which turned out to be a horrible mistake on my part but she said no. I separated from him when I did not see or feel as though he was truly interested in saving our marriage and he started crying hysterically again after the house sold and I began planning to get a divorce. I told him ok, I'd give it a try but not long afterwards I started talking to another man (No Sex) which he found out about but still wanted to work things out. We are going to a counselor.
I know I am where I am today because of the choices I made by being so passive. I'd like to blame my husband for seeing someone else as to why I started talking to another man and I'd like to blame how he was raised on why he's how he is, but I know ultimately there is no one to blame but yourself for the actions we each take. I'm plagued with how different my life would have been had I not been so passive in this relationship but now that I'm married I don't feel ok (Obedience to the vows I made before the Lord) with leaving though I want to. I can't understand why I just didn't have the courage to leave when I wanted to years ago. I can't understand what's wrong with me that I've made all these poor choices and mistakes.
I believe a lot of why I'm so passive is that I was severely teased for about five years when I was younger. A friend once asked me if I had been abused because I exhibited symptoms of abuse and I think that the prolonged teasing while I was younger has a lot to do with my passivity as well as low self-esteem. Now that I've been through the pain of what my husband did last year all I want to do is get out of the relationship. I'm not interested in trying to work things out because I'm so tired of his trantums and guilt trips and all the other subtle forms of manipulation he's used that have triggered these unhealthy responses in me. Please don't misunderstand me. My husband is not a bad man and I am aware that a lot of why he responds the way he does is due to his upbringing and patterns he has not yet broken out of. Unfortunately, I have not helped him grow out of these unhealthy patterns and he has not helped me either but I just want a chance to live life the way I should have lived it before and I'm just not interested in all the work that would be needed to try and salvage our marriage. I'm not even sure I love him because everything I've done thus far has been passive and fear-based and there were several occassions I wanted out of the relationship.
I'm interested in your thoughts.