insulted girlfriend during argument
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insulted girlfriend during argument
| Sat, 02-11-2006 - 5:26pm |
I feel like such a jerk. The other day, my girlfriend and I were having an argument. We don't argue that often, it was just a particular issue that came up, and it got pretty heated. She said something that really irritated me but it wasn't in any way a personal attack. It had to do with me buying a chair that she thought was uncomfortable. I got frustrated, lost my cool, and fired back with a low blow. I said something like "well you have an ample natural cushion, so I can't see why its a problem". In reality, she's not heavy at all, she's in excellent shape. She just has full, shapely hips and thighs, like JLO, but she's self conscious about it. She was immediatetly taken aback with my comment. She paused, then slapped my face and walked away. I tried to apologize, but she gave me the silent treatment. I hope I haven't done irreparable harm here, and but I think I really hurt her feelings. How should I go about apologizing to her?

ouch. There are some steps involved in delivering a genuine apology. Take accountability for your actions. DON'T say "sorry IF I hurt you." THat's such a cop out. Say, "Sorry THAT I hurt you." That whole "if" thing is so lame because you know you hurt her so leave out the "if".
Then, specifically spell out what you did or said so she knows that you know exactly what you are sorry for. THen, lastly, make a commitment to not do it again.
Aside from that: Why on earth would you say something like that to her??? Have you been thinking about her large rear lately? Is it a constant topic of conversation? Are you just saving up the most hurtful comments for just the right time? I mean seriously, if my boyfriend or husband ever made a derrogatory comment about my biggest insecurity, I would have a REALLY hard time getting over it. I'd really examine why you wanted to hurt her and chose specifically the most sensitive issue for her. I would guess you have some unresolved anger toward her over something else and this whole couch argument was just a good excuse to finally lash out.
Good luck
I agree with Popeyesgal, it was really a low blow to hit her with something that you know she's insecure about. An apology isn't going to make up for it. Once the words are spoken, they can't be taken back, they're forever in the memory of the receiver. That doesn't mean you shouldn't apologize, just don't expect an apology to make it all better or for her to forget what you said, it was a deep cut, said with the intent of hurting her and you achieved your goal. I agree with Popeyesgal that the word "if" has no place in your apology. I think you need to take full responsibility by telling her you know what an awful thing it was to say and that an apology isn't going to make the hurt go away. I would tell her why you said it ("I was angry and looking for a way to hurt you, I know it's wrong and I really wish I hadn't said it, but I did"). I wouldn't expect this to end for a while. If it's something she was already insecure about you've just amped up her insecurity big time, she'll forever think (or suspect or be afraid) that you really do think her rear is too big, you planted the words. I'd tell her like you did here, that you love her rear, but again, wouldn't expect that she'll believe it.
Do you have a history of going for the low blow when you're angry? If not, I think you need to put some thought into why you'd lash out like this and if it's something you do when you're angry, I'd seek some help to resolve it, it's a really damaging thing to do; you'll hurt a lot of people by hitting them with things they'll carry with them for years, you'll lose some great friends and girlfriends as a result and people will think of you in a way that you really don't want - it's not how you want people describing you to others.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Oh well, live and learn I say. Glad you've got it sorted out.
I'm not saying that she will .... but just make sure that she doesn't hold it over your head. I've seen it happen too many times when one person does something wrong, and the partner won't let it be forgotten. They want the person in the wrong to grovel forever.
Thanks so much for coming back to let us know how it worked out. It sounds like you've learned what your trigger is, and when you recognize your trigger you can recognize the situation coming up and keep yourself in check. We all make mistakes, but not all of us learn from them; you have and that says good things about you.
On the chance that better arguing skills (rather than better communication skills) will help your relationship, here are some great informational posts on the subject:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 3/27/2006 10:05 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"