Intimacy help needed - (from a guy)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Intimacy help needed - (from a guy)
9
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:42pm

I am unhappy with the level of physical intimacy in my relationship, but theres nothing I can do.

Let me just set the scene, I'm 17 and my girlfriend is 16, we have been dating for a year. She is a Jehovahs Witness and as a result is not allowed to have pre marital sex, this I don't mind, I feel that it would be better to wait as well.

We kiss and hold hands often but she does not want our physical relationship to go any further, touching sexually for example. This is where the problem comes in for me, I feel less and less attracted to her as time goes on, and finding it increasingly hard to stay commited.

I think this is because of the no touching aspect, but am I putting too great a store in the physical side of things?

We have talked about it, and she says she feels it is too close to sex, I disagree. What do you think? Any sort of help or advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:03pm

I think your GF is completely correct and has set very safe boundaries for herself. You start down a path of "it's okay to do this but we won't go to here" and then after that's not enough you repeat the process "it's okay to go this far but we won't do this". If your GF does not want to have sex before marriage then there are a whole host of things she will need to avoid. Kissing and holding hands is fine, IMO, but it would end there. And I can tell you that it did for me. I did nothing more than kiss and hold hands when I was dating. I also grew up in a religion that was very much "no sex before marriage" and it's not something I regret at all. I'm very happy that I waited til I was married. And if I had been pushed by a guy (and I was), I just broke up. Because it was THAT important to me. And I will teach my kids the same thing.

If you want to be sexually active, or moreso anyway, then you need to go find someone who agrees with what you do, instead of trying to push someone into something they don't want to do.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 4:00pm

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting do more than hold hands, but your girlfriend has the right to say no. She's quite right in thinking that a person who is avoiding premarital sex for religious reasons really shouldn't be doing other forms of sexual activities. That isn't fulfilling the requirement if she was willing to do anything and everything up to but not including actual intercourse. If that's important to her, then you need to accept that if you want to date her.

It sounds like what you each want simply isn't compatible. You might want to consider going ahead and ending the relationship now rather than prolonging things since that would just lead to more conflict and suffering later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:07pm

Ra3ie1, I was very sexually active at your age, so I very much understand how you feel. I have always liked to have sexual activity in a good relationship.

However, I agree with the other posters that it's your girlfriend's right to say no. And I also agree that anything more than hand holding would be unacceptable to her. To many, saving one's virginity isn't just about avoiding intercourse, rather it's about staying sexually innocent until marriage. (this makes perfect sense to me).

I'd also add that if I were in your shoes, and my partner did allow me some sexual play, I'd find it even harder to stop. Once you've got manual stimulation and oral sex happening, having intercourse is just a natural step. It's so much harder to say no once you've started.

If you're finding yourself drifting away from her and lack of sex is frustrating you, do both of you a favour and move on. Let her find someone who shares her beliefs and you will be free to do the same.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:21am

I agree with the other responses you've received. If you want more, that's your right and choice to make for yourself. But your girlfriend has that same right and choice and she's chosen not to want to go further. You must respect her decision, even if you don't like it. Arguing with her about this is not okay, it tells her you don't respect her decision. I have to ask you too, would you really feel good about talking her into doing something you knew she really didn't want to be doing?


When I was 16 I was not sexually active (not for religious reasons but because I simply wasn't ready), but I did have a boyfriend who pushed for more than kissing. Eventually, being with him became a negative for me, I got sick of always having to defend myself, both physically and verbally from him pushing for more and was insulted by him not caring enough about how I felt to keep pushing when he knew I didn't want to. As a result, I broke up with him.


You're 17, you'll have plenty more girlfriends before you're done. If you're finding yourself having a hard time staying faithful, it says it's time for you to move on. If/when you break up with your girlfriend, be sure that you don't say it's because she wouldn't go further, no point in that, it'll hurt her and make you look like an ass. And when you do have sex -- use a condom -- always no matter whether the girl says she's on birth control or not. Too many lifelong and life threatening STD's out there these days to take chances with. Don't take a chance, make it your policy to always always wear condoms.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 1:59am

>>If/when you break up with your girlfriend, be sure that you don't say it's because she wouldn't go further, no point in that, it'll hurt her and make you look like an ass.<<

Not sure if I agree or disagree. Have gone off topic so as to avoid hijacking the thread.

See "Is Honesty the Best Policy" http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=9468.1&ctx=0

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:14am

THE PLOT THICKIENS
I did split up with her not long ago, saying like what cl-2nd_life said about how we've just been growing different and a little bit of "its not you it's me" thrown in, because it is me really. I needed to move on, I just simply did not want to go out with her anymore.

But she was so upset, for all the two weeks that we weren't going out, I thought she'd get over me, but she really does love me ALOT. I'm going to feel like a bad person saying this but; I wish she didn't love me so much.

And I do love her and care for her, I didn't want to break her heart, so I ended up making compromise after compromise and in the end asking her out again! (I know, I'm an idiot!!)

Now I regret it but if I do anything else it would just be messing her around. Thankyou for all your help, I'm not sure there's anything I can do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:59am

If the relationship isn't working for you, it isn't working for you. Your girlfriend is not going to be willing to see her boyfriend walk--she will judge herself, beg for reasons, and ask to try again no matter how hard it is for you to witness this behavior. Please be aware going in that there is no easy way here; she's sixteen years old, and has fairytales in her head about true love and how things are supposed to be. She will fight tenaciously to hold onto these things.

If you want to be free to move on to other relationships, you need to end this one cleanly, and stay away from her afterward. Be a gentleman, as the other posters have said, but be a FIRM gentleman, and tell Sweet Sixteen that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. When she says, "Why? I don't understand! What did I do wrong?" you can reply, "No one has to do something wrong for a relationship not to work. We can both be right, and it can still be over."

She is not going to be satisfied with this, but remember that breaking up is rarely a mutual decision. You are making a choice that will be better for both of you in the long run, and maybe it will help to keep that in mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:00am

>>but remember that breaking up is rarely a mutual decision. You are making a choice that will be better for both of you in the long run, and maybe it will help to keep that in mind<<

I so agree with this. I've only had one breakup where we were both ready to move on at the same time. You just have to be strong and do what's best for *you*.

Hate to tell you this, but you may as well get used to breaking up. You're 17 and have many girls in front of you yet ;-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:22pm

Agree 100% with what everyone else has said, Ra3ie1 ~ no matter what you would have said, she was bound to try to keep you from breaking up. Being a broken record here, relationships almost never end with mutual agreement to do so; one wants to break up, the other does not want to at all, it's the way it goes, unfortunately. If you're looking for something to say to her that's going to have her agreeing with you and just going away, quit looking, it's not going to happen. As far as being over the relationship in two weeks -- waaaay too early. She may take months to get over it, but get over it she must and stay away from her so that she can do just that is what you need to do.


Interestingly enough, the guy I mentioned in my previous response to you did just what she did, begged and cried and soooo didn't want to break up. I did the same thing you did, agreed to get back together because he was so upset and hurt. Of course, I didn't want to get back together really, wasn't as interested in him as I had been and didn't have the feelings for him a girl should have for a boyfriend so it wasn't a great experience for me. I was pretty much unhappy being with him and of course, ended up breaking up with him again because it just wasn't the place for me to be. Which, of course, hurt him again, and it meant going through the whole process over again. Getting back together didn't save him from anything, it put him through the same feelings all over again, starting back from the beginning. If I'd refused to get back together, he'd have spent that time getting further along in getting over our break up.


Here's an article that explains why staying out of contact with the person you've broken up with is important. It's written for the one who's hurt by the break up and it's easy to understand why no contact is best. Even though the article speaks of "harmful" relationships, the advice is just as accurate whether the relationship was healthy or harmful:


LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"