Intimacy problems. PLEASE help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Intimacy problems. PLEASE help!
4
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:47pm
This is my first time posting to any website so I'm a little nervous. I'm 31 years old and in a truly great 4 year relationship. But when it comes to intimacy we're struggling. I know for me that my body image is a big issue. I've never felt comfortable with myself. I'm about 15 pounds overweight which I know to some is a joke but to me it's enough to make me hate being intimate. I don't know what his deal is. I think he's probably reacting to my anxiety over the issue. And don't get me wrong, he's amazing, he never complains. But I know he's thinking about it and I'm scared it will be the downfall of our relationship. I just want to know if it's normal for a women to not want to have sex very often? I think if I know other women feel similar I can let go of the idea that I'm some sort of freak. I love him so much and I would hate to look back on my life and think that sex is the reason we didn't make it. I feel like a virgin again. Not knowing what to do or how to do anything. When we are intimate its usually pretty clumsy. What's wrong with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:23pm

aec31,

Some would say (and I guess I am one of them) that the best sex to have is clumsy or bad sex. Why?? Because you and your partner can laugh about it. Not all couples have perfect sex all the time.

As for your body issues are you currently on a meal and workout plan to shed those 15 pounds?? To dig alittle deeper though even if you did loose the weight do you think you would suddenly want to have sex more often?? Have you always been this way with all your relationships?? Was there something that happened earlier in your life that maybe caused this?? Sure body image can be a turn off, but sometimes I think it's taken more as an excuse then a real reason.

*Warning possibly too much infor ahead*
When DH and I got together I was 107lbs, when we got married I was 118lbs, now 3 months later I'm at 126lbs. Unfortunately for me it's not really a "fit" 126lbs, there's wobbly bits all over the place and my butt and thighs could pass for a cottage cheese ad. I actually have a gut and back fat that hangs over pants. I hate it, I look in the mirror and want to purge, BUT I still don't feel so ashamed that I don't want DH to see me. Luckily for me I have my 10 year High School Reunion coming up in August and that's going to be the motivation for me to get fit. I don't care if I stay 126lbs, because muscle weighs more the fat, I just don't want to be wobbly everywhere anymore and I want a bit of a flatter stomach.

I'll be waiting for your answers.

Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 6:19pm
I've had a bad injury to my neck recently which prevents me from lifting any weights right now. But I'm working with a chiropractor to get that issue resolved and I have started walking again. I've never been one for exercising or eating that well so it's a real battle. Noone to blame but myself there. I did get a chance to work with a private trainer a year ago and had gotten in the best shape of my life. Unfortuantley when our sessions were up I just quit exercising and eating right so I've ended up worse than I started off. My body image did skyrocket and I was definately more affectionate so I do think that will help a lot. There's nothing that's happened that I can think of to make me this way, but I have always been uncomfortable with myself. I've also never been very comfortable with sex in general. Just never felt like I was any good at it, LOL. I didn't grow up in a very "warm" and affectionate home so I credit my lack of affection to that but this sex thing is stressing me out. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of it and that I craved it more. Thanks so much for any advice you have. I can't tell you how difficult this is, I've had noone to talk to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:16pm

Welcome to the board Aec31 ~


I wrote this long response to you, then re-read your post and realized I wasn't clear on several issues. I'm hoping you'll clear these up for me so I can know whether what I was thinking applies to your situation or not.


  • You said, "But when it comes to intimacy we're struggling. I know for me that my body image is a big issue. " Now at first I was thinking it was you who had the problem, but these sentences suggest that you're both struggling, not just you. Is it just you or both of you? And if it's both, what do you think his issue is?
  • You also said,"When we are intimate its usually pretty clumsy." Here again, is it him too or just you? If it's both, can you explain? (Not the sexual details, but what you think is happening.) Have you both always been clumsy or is this something new? And if it hasn't always been that way but is for both of you now, why do you think that is for him?


    Thanks in advance for your answers, they'll help me know whether what I'm thinking even makes sense to your situation or not!








  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:34am

    I don't know what his deal is. I think he's probably reacting to my anxiety over the issue. And don't get me wrong, he's amazing, he never complains. But I know he's thinking about it and I'm scared it will be the downfall of our relationship.


    Have you had a discussion with him, has he said he wants sex more frequently?

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