Introvert + Extrovert = Disaster?
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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:08pm |
I just don't know what to do. I have absolutely no idea if I am in the right spot for help like this, but I am desperate.
I've been in a relationship for 18 months. It has gone very well, and we have exchanged "I love yous." His name is Anthony. Anthony lives about an hour away from me, so we only physically see each other on weekends. We IM everyday during work hours and talk on the phone for at least an hour every night. I feel like I have waited my whole life for this person.
The only "issue" we have had to deal with is his extreme shyness. He is very introverted. He does not enjoy spending time with anyone except me and he practically breaks out into hives at the thought of having to interact with any of my friends and family. I am a person who is very social, I have lots of friends, and I am close to my family. He has met a few of these people, but basically I respect the fact that he doesn't enjoy much human interaction. I've been pretty patient and, I thought, understanding about this. I don't force the issue, and I've only asked him a couple of times to please reconsider his position (I wanted him to meet my family at Thanksgiving, and I would like him to attend my upcoming 40th birthday party, and he said yes to both). He frequently tells me that I deserve someone "more like me," and I always just tell him he's being silly, that I love him the way he is, and we'll work through tough situations as they come.
Well, here's one I'm not sure we can work through. I suggested recently that we start talking seriously about one of us moving closer to the other. I feel that our being an hour away from each other hasn't really allowed us to grow our relationship into something that will last. We have little weekend jaunts wherein neither one of us is engaging in "real life." We do all of our reponsible stuff during the week so that when we are together on Saturday and Sunday, we just have fun. It's great, but after a year and a half, I thought perhaps we should start thinking about moving our relationship to the next level. I brought it up to him a little over a week ago and he asked if he could think about it.
Last night, he told me he thinks we should stop seeing each other. According to him, he's just not a person who will EVER be permanently attached to anyone. Not because he wants to see anyone else, but because he prefers to be alone. He said he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone and that I am the best girlfriend he has ever had, but he is just abnormal. He said he has been thinking about this for months, trying to figure out a way we could work this out, but that he's "too messed up" to be saved. He says I should find someone that will make me happy, since he knows I want to find someone to be with forever. I challenged him, telling him that it must be that I am just not the girl that moves him to try to overcome his issue, but he swore that he loves me more than anything, but I just don't understand what he deals with. I tried to tell him I didn't want to break up and that I would give him more time, but he was adamant. He says he will never change, and I need to get out while I can.
If I thought this was a case of "He's Just Not That Into You," I'd admit it. I'd actually be relieved because at least I'd understand. But I just can't accept that two people who love each other can't get over this issue, as he seems to think. There has GOT to be some sort of support group for people dealing with social anxiety sufferers out there. I have Googled until my fingers have turned blue, and I just can't seem to find anywhere to turn.

I'm sorry, but you need to focus on where you are with this man, not where you'd like to go. Sounds like he is being honest with you and you need to stop and really listen to the things he is telling you:
::He frequently tells me that I deserve someone "more like me,"...
He is telling you that he believes he is not good enough for you. When someone tells you that, believe them. If he is unwilling to address the reasons why he feels that way (very tied into the anxiety he feels - i.e., significant self esteem issues), then there isn't anything you can do. As he said: He will never change. You can't make someone want to change themselves or address their own issues.
::Last night, he told me he thinks we should stop seeing each other.
:: According to him, he's just not a person who will EVER be permanently attached to anyone.
::I tried to tell him I didn't want to break up and that I would give him more time, but he was adamant.
As hurtful as it is, re-read that last sentence over and over until you understand that he doesn't want more time. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any longer.
::He says he will never change, and I need to get out while I can.
Believe him.
::But I just can't accept that two people who love each other can't get over this issue, as he seems to think.
Here is the thing, it happens all the time. People love each other, yet one of them isn't willing to put in the effort to keep the relationship growing any longer. If it isn't growing, it is dieing. You can't force the other person to respect the love the way you do. They either do or they don't. I'm so so sorry that he doesn't think it is worth the effort and you do. That is an unbelievably difficult and sad situation to find yourself in (I really do understand completely). The sooner you accept it for what it is and move on from the relationship, the better off you will be in the long run.
When I found myself in your very situation, I found myself very very sad. I was talking with someone and said that I was sad because I was nearly 40 years old and have been looking for, as you said, for this person my whole life. Then I said I'd never felt further away from where I wanted to be go with my life (marriage/family/etc.). The response I got opened my eyes to the real situation I was in. First, she said that I can look at it that way if I want, but the truth is that I'd never been closer than I was at that very moment. I was projecting the disappointment about the life that I wanted and how disappointed I was with not having that life on the loss of the person from my life. I needed to separate those two feelings out. I had not been waiting for that person my whole life, I'd been waiting for someone who appreciated and respected love the way I did. I'd been waiting for someone who loves me and wants a relationship with me as much as I want one with them. It was clear that I needed it to end to be ready for what I really wanted. The end of the relationship meant I was finally moving towards what I'd really wanted the whole time.
I'm not sorry you are going through this. Accept it and start healing and you will never be closer to the life and the real SO that you've been working towards and looking for your whole life.
Good luck with your healing.
I don't doubt that if he truly wanted to and/or were capable of it, he could make some changes/compromises. But the bottom line is, he doesn't want to (or realizes he can't--which works out to the same thing).
There are some men out there who will NEVER be so "into" someone that they get help. It's just the way it is...it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
It would be hard enough if he were willing to do the hard work of changing this aspect of himself enough to compromise somewhat...but he's giving up without even trying. He either thinks or knows he's not capable.
Can you really accept him totally AS IS, and not push him to change? If so, let him know that (and stick to it). But if you can't then it's not going to work, because he's not willing and/or capable of change.
Sheri
As odd as this might sound at first -- you're lucky.
While you may not be able to understand him, this man has been open and honest with you, he's fully cognizant of the situation and quite clear on what he wants. Respect his decision and move on knowing he's made the right decision for himself, as he should.
Sorry.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Almostsingle, I very much agree with what has been written so far.
And I've got a little bit to add. I've got a bit of experience dealing with autistic people. Autism essentially being a social skill disorder. (Not saying that your boyfriend is on the autism spectrum)
Anyway, one of the frequent traits is that autistic people very often don't want to go out and socialise. However, many parents and friends of these people try to 'fix' them - because in our society, being a loner isn't quite socially acceptable. It's like the word 'loner' is somehow connected to the word 'loser'. However, the people who have this condition and just want their own company are very often perfectly happy. To them, this is 'normal'.
I'm not saying that because it's normal for him, that you should accept it. Because part of the reason I left my first husband was because he became too much of a hermit. It's a horrible way to live!
However, I will say that your boyfriend may be very happy and content in his world. Therein lies the reason he does not wish to change. Sure he could force himself to get out more, but it would be awful for him.