Irrational fear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Irrational fear?
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 7:50pm


I've been seeing a guy for almost two years. Probably for the past 8 months or so have been really off and on. Last summer I spent a lot of time hanging out with gy friends, (watching movies, going to ball games, out to eat, etc) which is something I've always done. My guy expressed dislike for it, but I continued anyway, because I was thinking, "No one is going to control me.", and I also didn't bring it up a lot of the time, just did it. I finally put myself in his shoes and thought, if he was doing the same, I wouldn't like it. So I stopped. Part of the problem is that a little over a year ago, he was under the impression that I was cheating, (which I wasn't), so he went out and slept with someone else. It actually didn't end up happening, (he couldn't maintain his arousal) but the intent was there. Since then, whenever we've fought, he's walked away a few times. We have continued to try and work stuff out, but we each have that nagging fear that the other is going to go out and find someone else.

I'm already in counseling, (for self esteem issues and an abusive ex husband) so this is the stuff I'm, bringing up. My question is, has anyone else gone through this sort of thing? If so, how did you handle it? How do I get over this fear that he MIGHT leave, and just enjoy what we have? It's frustrating both of us.


Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 8:14am

I think you have to make a decision to stop the disquieting fearful thoughts and then actively work to stop them. If you can't do that, then maybe this isn't the right time for a relationship with this guy. Back and forth or on and off relationships can be detrimental to your self esteem--I know as I've been through that, too. What has your therapist recommended?

It's also not just you in this relationship. If he can't get past his fears of you cheating, then it's still not going to be a happy stress free union, no matter what you do.

You might want to consider an amount of time you will give this to work out, maybe something like another month, but if it's not improved enough in that time, then leave this relationship because you both deserve better.


Clinical Research Associate


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 2:49pm
It is hard to let go of past abuse issues, so continue with the counseling. You may also want to seek some kind of spiritual guidance. I found that I had to be very open with now DH about such things. He then became more sensitive to things (i.e. Call when going to be late, etc.) He didn't necessarily change what he did, but he was more aware of my feelings. Then he knew I wasn't being a nag, my fears were based off my own, very real experiences. Our new guy is not our X. But it can be hard, I know. Your BF may have similar issues. Be honest with each other with out making it about right or wrong. Good luck! Serenity CL making a second marriage work