issue w/Husband's best (girl) friend
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| Sun, 04-09-2006 - 10:09pm |
Hello all! I'm newly married and I've started having issues with my husband's best friend. He's known her for most of his life, and they even dated for a spat some time ago. I'm not the jealous type in any way... as a tomboy, most of my friends are males, afterall. What's been bugging me is that she treats me like dirt-- a manifestation that's been getting worse, consistently puts him down, and has been actively talking trash about me during their (almost) daily phone calls.
Some quick backstory... from the first time I met this woman, she treated me as if I was slime. She's fairly well-to-do, my husband are starving grad students. She's materialistic, I'm more "organic." even though we have nothing in common, I always tried to be nice... she would find ways to be snarky, or exploit what she sees as my weaknesses. Case in point, on my husband's b-day she wanted a part in party planning. My husband said that he wanted to go to Restaurant X, a chain restaurant that he loves but that she happens to hate. I was in charge of the invites and I only asked her to call and make the reservation since I'd be at work that day. Well, she forgot. We wound up with a large group of people (most of whom are on a tight budget) with no place to go. She brought us to her favorite chic expenso-restaurant, despite our objections. Many of our friends could not afford the restaurant and said they'd have to meet us for drinks. Did he speak up when his party was hijacked? No. At our wedding, she was his "best man," and made a speech all about their dating past. Get the picture?
So, on top of this, she's a toxic friend. When my husband got his BA after a 10 year absence from school, she made him feel bad because he wants to be a teacher-- she claims he could "make more money working at McDonald's" and says he's "wasting his time and money." No word of congrats on his 4.0 GPA. I came home to find him sulking... "maybe she's right... maybe this was a bad idea!" WTF!?!?! I had to spend the next week trying to build his fragile self esteem back up to par.
Recently, she stayed at our home on a visit. She was the epitome of rude-- even going so far as to barf at our table because my cooking tasted "like crap." I would go to bed every night crying and my husband had the nerve to ask me to try harder. He said that she was worried that I was somehow mental because I always was "so dramatic" around her. The only drama was drama she caused. For example, I'm cooking up tempura and, w/o offering to help, she sat insulting me... even going so far as to call my husband and ask him to pick up some takeout. She tells him I'm nuts, but never mentions her own role in the harassment.
I'm torn. I told him I never wanted to see her again.... she wants to visit again in two weeks!!! I laid down the law... she would stay at a hotel. That was final. He needed to grow a spine for himself and for my sake. I would hate to be the mean wife that makes him leave his childhood friend, but I never feel "invited" when she's around and it's bugging me to no end. Can I make her go away... and convince my husband he's worth more than the toxic crap she dishes out?

so on again, off again
is he selfish or is it just me?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You're really going to hate this, because I don't have anything good to say. I don't think there's anything you can do to make her go away and I really don't know why you'd try to convince your husband that he's worth more than her caustic crap when she's bad mouthing you and treating you like crap all the while he sits back, listening to it and watching it, allowing it to continue and doing nothing to stop her disrespectful, unacceptable behavior. I'm sorry, but I have no problem with a partner having a friend that is disliked by the other partner, we don't have to like our partner's friends, we don't have to be their friends too and we have no place choosing our partner's friends for them, and it doesn't matter on bit which sex the friend is. But when your friend is disrespectful and rude to your partner, it's time to make it clear to them they've crossed a boundary that cannot be crossed. Allegiance should be with your partner first and foremost, not your friend. A friend who puts your partner down in front of you should be put in his or her place and if it doesn't stop, the friendship should end. Your husband has clearly and consistently put this woman ahead of you. Clearly, she is more important than you. Perhaps this woman is not in your lives very frequently, which could mean the problem doesn't show itself very often. Even so, I would have a hard time stomaching the fact that my husband's friend was more important to him than I, and further, that she could treat me like crap in front of my husband with his approval. I don't think I could accept an arrangement like that.
A couple of questions. Is this the same man you posted about before? Have you discussed this with your husband at a time when it is not a problem?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
No this isn't the same man, though I can't believe I've been lurking for that long on these forums! ::blush::
We did talk recently... after she left our home and before she expressed a desire to come back. In the past, I've tried to be clear about what a "toxic friend" is. He has heard it from me as well as some of his other friends. For instance, before out wedding, she wanted to go out for brunch-- just the two of us. His friends tried to talk me out of going, having known her longer and knowing how sketchy she is. Well, I went and the topic of conversation was not the engagement, but her trying to convince me that he is a loser with no ambition. I told her that I had no idea what she was talking about. In my eyes, he had plenty of ambiton-- but in her eyes, working for nonprofits did not amount to being a worthy catch. When I got home, I told him everything. He ignored her for a month and then they were back in contact.
This time, I was clearer. When we'd go out as a group, I could at least ignore her. I went to far as to suggest counseling because their toxic relationship was beginning to erode our good relationship. He told me that because he grew up with her, it's not so easy to "just ditch her." I explained a few situations where I was in the same boat and what I did to break free. It starts with now calling someone every day or answering their phone calls. I told him I felt like he was putting her first and that it hurt. I was very frank and up front... again, the true test will be what happens when she calls back asking for a crash pad.
One of the other issues are the mixed messages I've been getting from my friends. My maid of honor loved his "best man" and thinks I'm over reacting. She reminds me that I'm still friends with a couple of my exes, and i remind her that since they dated over a decade ago, that wasn't my gripe... her being mean is the issue. Others tell me I'm justified in being angry... that because i feel excluded from their duo it's dangerous because the wife shouldn't feel like a 4th wheel. He has stuck up for me in the past... like when she planned a going-away party for him and addressed the invitation to Mr. blah blah and didn't mention me at all... but the subtile things go right over his head.
Sheesh, Applevenus, there's no need for blushing over how long you've been lurking around these forums -- I've been living them a lot longer than that! LOL! I think it's great when *old* members come back around!
You're trying to drill into his head what a toxic friend is, when really what's toxic to one isn't toxic to another. The issue is he has no problem with her, you can't convince him she's bad/wrong/mean/toxic/whatever because he's the only one who can judge what's an acceptable friend to him and what isn't. All you can do on that front is sit back and let him get sick and tired of her on his own, though it doesn't sound like that's going to happen, he's perfectly okay with her. You can only define what's toxic for you, he defines what's toxic for him.
I have to say I'm a little confused. Your friend loves her and reminds you that you're friends with some of your ex's too. Another friend thinks you have every right to be angry because you're excluded and a fifth wheel. Neither of them pick up on the fact that she bad mouths you and criticizes you rudely in front of your husband no less and he allows it? I don't get why they'd think you'd be upset about her being an ex or about them having a close friendship. And I don't get how they don't see what seems to be obvious from your post.
Frankly, your husband is making a choice when he lets her trash talk you and says nothing. He's giving her the message that it's acceptable to do and he's giving you the message that you're not worth more. That wouldn't be acceptable to me. But, assuming it is acceptable to you, I'd say a line would have to be drawn. Such as she is not allowed in the house, you will not be in her presence (which means she will not be invited to events that the two of you plan). If he wants to see or talk to her he has to do it on the outside, no coming into the house. (He calls her every day???) You can't make him stop seeing her, and he's made it clear he doesn't intend to. You can refuse to be in her presence. If she'd bad mouthed me as she did you when you were cooking dinner for her, I'd have ordered her out of the house that minute myself, and if my husband tried to stop me, I'd boot him out as well -- no coming back.
IMO your issue is not how she treats him or how he defines a good friendship. Your issue is that your husband should be your partner. His first allegiance should be to you. He should not accept anyone bad mouthing you, and he shouldn't have to be told that. The fact that he allows it and continues to allow it when you bring it to his attention (you shouldn't have to) speaks volumes. IMO Your problem is that she's a higher priority in his life than you are, he's choosing her over you, ("she's not easy to ditch after so many years", but apprently how she treats you is no problem at all, you should just accept it and put up with it, it's her feelings that matter) and that's not something you can fix or demand change, that comes straight from his heart and his spine.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"