Is it abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Is it abuse?
5
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:55am
I have been with my man for a few years and at the beginning things were wonderful. He was prince charming and I fell head over heels in love. For the last 2 years things have somewhat changed. He gets into these angry rages and tears me down with his words. He says i'm worthless and good for nothing. I don't even remember What I do that starts them. I'll be driving and do something "wrong" and he loses his temper with me. Sometimes I am absent minded and i'll forget wehre i left my keys and he'll call me an airheaded idiot for that. I am starting to get anxiety attacks when I think of going home at night, I never know what can set him off or what kind of mood I will find him in. I'm so scared to yell back when he yells, so I just shut down and say nothing. I am in permanent anxiety, I don't have anybody I can talk too. He is so nice to everyone else. He is nice to me as well, but in a split second his personality changes, I feel like there are two people in one body. I don't know if it really is me and its my fault that I provoke him. No one else seems to have a problem with me. I feel like i'm going crazy. If I leave a pile of clothes on his floor (in the morning theres little time to clean up) he completely loses it. The other day we were driving and some kind of bird flew into the car, and he made me stop the car and started screaming at me and saying that I did it on purpose and if I ever kill an animal he'll kill me ( don't think it was serious) but it really really bothered me. When I try to talk to him about his anger he tells me that everyone gets angry sometimes, he never apologizes. When I urge him to seek help he tells me that with "we don't have the right to complain about ourselves" with all the bad that's going on in this world. He thinks that this is normal behavior. Or maybe I am just crazy. I love him but I don't know how much more I can take. Please, I really need someones advice. I don't know how to stand up for myself, I always suffer because of this in the end. Thank you for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:10am

Rosie, you already know the answer to this question. Breaking the cycle of your own co-dependency in this is going to be the key to you starting over.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:19am

Rosie, what you have described is an exact description of verbal abuse, every single word. I know how you feel, I know what you're going through because my ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive too. I am all too familiar with walking on eggshells, trying not to do or say anything that will make him mad. I know about that knot in your stomach when he's about to come home. I know the agony of trying to figure out which of two answers is the "right" one, the one that won't make him mad, and never being able to pick the right one. I know about the rages that come out of nowhere, and coming unglued over little things that are no big deal. It really keeps you unsteady, unsure, doesn't it? One little thing won't bother him at all, one will send him into a terrifying rage. Something that you're sure will send him over the edge won't bother him at all; it leaves you with no idea what's going to be a problem and what's going to be no big deal; as a result, you're anxious and terrified all the time -- you have no idea what's coming. Like you indicated, the term "Jekyll/Hyde" is often used to describe abusers. I know about feeling confused and crazy because he's so great with everybody else, everyone thinks he's such a great guy - they probably even tell you how great he is and how lucky you are to have him. I know how that makes you feel like it must be you, because he doesn't have a problem with anybody else. I'll bet you used to stand up for yourself, but you found out it only made things worse, am I right? Would I also be right if I said you stay with him because you're trying to get your relationship back to where it used to be, back when he was so wonderful and things were so perfect? Are you trying to figure out what you need to say or do differently that will make this stop and get your relationship back like it was? I'm also betting that if you think about it, you'll recognize the behavior goes in cycles; something like this: He'll be awful, then there'll be a uneasy time (because you're shook up, upset, scared and distrusting), then he'll be calm and nice and things will be like they should be. When it's like this it gives you hope, you think he's changing back to being who he used to be, you're encouraged and feel that his change indicates the good guy really is in there and if you try hard enough, he'll come back full time. Then, eventually the angry, ugly, awful guy comes back and you don't know why. You probably can sense it coming back, you get uneasy, you're walking on eggshells, your gut's in a knot. Then the explosion happens again. Does that sound familiar?


Here are some answers, Rosie.


  • Your description is exact right down to who he used to be. He was wonderful, perfect, Prince Charming. All abusers start out that way, how else can they get you? It's a sure thing you'd never be interested in seeing them if they started out like this.
  • This is huge: You can't figure out what will and won't set him off because there's no rhyme or reason to it. The thing is, he's not set off by whatever happened, he's already decided to go after you, he's just waiting for a reason. One day losing your keys won't be a big deal because he won't be looking for a reason to attack, the next day a bird flying into the car is your fault because he's looking for something to blame you for. The bottom line is this, Rosie: it's not you, there's nothing you do or don't do that causes this. He's already decided to go off on you for something, he's just looking for an excuse to go off on you for. Sometimes, abusers even set up their girlfriends and wives to do something "wrong" to create an excuse to go after them. That confusing "one thing makes him come unglued and the next doesn't bother him at all" is called "crazymaking", it keeps you off balance, unsure, it gives him the upper hand.
  • When I was with my ex, I didn't see the cycle that I described above. I saw each part of the cycle as individual events, I never put them together. In my case, my ex would sometimes go weeks between attacks and when he'd go off after having been nice for weeks I'd think that I needed to forgive the attack because he'd been "trying" and "doing so well" for so long. I felt that I should be rewarding the positive period, not condemning for the "slip". Because I kept focusing on "getting back to the good times" I never looked at the big picture and didn't see that there was no progress, only the same cycle being repeated again and again. He never got better, the attacks didn't become more infrequent, they came and went over and over, in the cycle. I tell you this because maybe you're going through the same thought process.
  • That Prince Charming he used to be was fake, what you see now is who he really is. Prince Charming was there to suck you in, to lock you into the relationship, and he serves to keep you hoping you'll get back to him. The truth is, he's not coming back, he never existed. What you see now is the real guy. As long as you stay, this is who he'll be, and he'll repeat the pattern with any girl he gets in a relationship with, Mr. Niceguy to start with, changing to the real guy once she's "caught". This is how abusive guys work, this is exactly how it starts.

    You feel confused and crazy because he's nice sometimes, then he's absolutely awful other times, he always blames you and even if you *know* it's not you, you begin to question yourself. You certainly look to see what you can do to change it and you take full charge over trying to do something yourself to make it change. You know this isn't right, but you don't know how to make it right. He says it's you, you know it's not but you can't make him see that he's not behaving in a healthy, appropriate way.

    What you know is that you don't have problems with other people, just him. Deep down, you know it's not you. You're beginning to have anxiety attacks, you're scared, you shut down. These are very clear and serious indicators that this relationship is very bad for you. When you begin to exhibit symptoms, you know it's serious. I know this is already incredibly long, but please stick with me.

    Please, please, please post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. If you don't want to post, read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:


    What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
    Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
    Traits of an Abusive Personality
    Know What Domestic Violence Is
    Power and Control
    Extensive DV Checklist
    Brainwashing
    More on Brainwashing
    General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
    The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
    Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
    The Mind of an Abuser
    Is Your Relationship Healthy?


    Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans Check to see if your public library has a copies of these books (much easier to borrow than to buy, at least until you know you want to own them).

    Please also listen to this audio interview with Lundy Bancroft. It will make so much sense and validate you sooo much. But don't listen when your boyfriend is around. Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy

    Post on the Domestic Abuse board, keep talking to us, or talk to me anytime: cl-2nd_life@comcast.net

    I know how it feels to be in your world, I know the agony, the confusion, the sorrow, the fear and the shame. Mostly, I hope you'll see what this is and leave, there's nothing but more abuse, more heartache, more pain for you there. It won't change.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:05pm

    yes, it is abuse and it's time to cut the line and set him adrift.

    a site for you to visit: www.youarenotcrazy.com

    If you want to know for sure if what he's subjecting you to is abuse, this site will tell you. I say that he is abusive and you need to get him out of your life.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-01-2003
    Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:23pm
    I think you already know the answer to this one. If you have to ask, most people will tell you that it is emotional abuse. You probably don't fight back anymore, which might cause him to escalate his behaviour trying to get a satisfying reaction. You didn't mention anything wonderful about this guy. I would tell you to hit the road, as I would guess you have been told by someone close to you, but you have to be ready to do this on your own. It's so much easier to see when you are not in it. Maybe you should try seeing it from the outside in, what would you tell your friend or sister if she were telling you this?
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    Wed, 07-26-2006 - 5:23pm

    Brit...


    It is difficult but the reality is him being a wonderful guy does not negate the reality that he is abusive.

    Peace,

    Di

    ***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***