Is it abuse?
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Is it abuse?
| Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:55am |
I have been with my man for a few years and at the beginning things were wonderful. He was prince charming and I fell head over heels in love. For the last 2 years things have somewhat changed. He gets into these angry rages and tears me down with his words. He says i'm worthless and good for nothing. I don't even remember What I do that starts them. I'll be driving and do something "wrong" and he loses his temper with me. Sometimes I am absent minded and i'll forget wehre i left my keys and he'll call me an airheaded idiot for that. I am starting to get anxiety attacks when I think of going home at night, I never know what can set him off or what kind of mood I will find him in. I'm so scared to yell back when he yells, so I just shut down and say nothing. I am in permanent anxiety, I don't have anybody I can talk too. He is so nice to everyone else. He is nice to me as well, but in a split second his personality changes, I feel like there are two people in one body. I don't know if it really is me and its my fault that I provoke him. No one else seems to have a problem with me. I feel like i'm going crazy. If I leave a pile of clothes on his floor (in the morning theres little time to clean up) he completely loses it. The other day we were driving and some kind of bird flew into the car, and he made me stop the car and started screaming at me and saying that I did it on purpose and if I ever kill an animal he'll kill me ( don't think it was serious) but it really really bothered me. When I try to talk to him about his anger he tells me that everyone gets angry sometimes, he never apologizes. When I urge him to seek help he tells me that with "we don't have the right to complain about ourselves" with all the bad that's going on in this world. He thinks that this is normal behavior. Or maybe I am just crazy. I love him but I don't know how much more I can take. Please, I really need someones advice. I don't know how to stand up for myself, I always suffer because of this in the end. Thank you for listening.

Rosie, you already know the answer to this question. Breaking the cycle of your own co-dependency in this is going to be the key to you starting over.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Here are some answers, Rosie.
You feel confused and crazy because he's nice sometimes, then he's absolutely awful other times, he always blames you and even if you *know* it's not you, you begin to question yourself. You certainly look to see what you can do to change it and you take full charge over trying to do something yourself to make it change. You know this isn't right, but you don't know how to make it right. He says it's you, you know it's not but you can't make him see that he's not behaving in a healthy, appropriate way.
What you know is that you don't have problems with other people, just him. Deep down, you know it's not you. You're beginning to have anxiety attacks, you're scared, you shut down. These are very clear and serious indicators that this relationship is very bad for you. When you begin to exhibit symptoms, you know it's serious. I know this is already incredibly long, but please stick with me.
Please, please, please post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. If you don't want to post, read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans Check to see if your public library has a copies of these books (much easier to borrow than to buy, at least until you know you want to own them). Please also listen to this audio interview with Lundy Bancroft. It will make so much sense and validate you sooo much. But don't listen when your boyfriend is around. Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy Post on the Domestic Abuse board, keep talking to us, or talk to me anytime: cl-2nd_life@comcast.netI know how it feels to be in your world, I know the agony, the confusion, the sorrow, the fear and the shame. Mostly, I hope you'll see what this is and leave, there's nothing but more abuse, more heartache, more pain for you there. It won't change.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
yes, it is abuse and it's time to cut the line and set him adrift.
a site for you to visit: www.youarenotcrazy.com
If you want to know for sure if what he's subjecting you to is abuse, this site will tell you. I say that he is abusive and you need to get him out of your life.
Brit...
It is difficult but the reality is him being a wonderful guy does not negate the reality that he is abusive.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***