Is it abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Is it abuse?
3
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 10:02am
My DH has never hit me or anything so I don’t really know if it is abuse. When we were first dating we use to argue the “regular” couple arguments and would just make up and everything would be fine. When we got married everything changed. I started to notice he would get mad and upset and have these anger fits all the time. If he doesn’t get it his way then he will get angry. In our first apartment I locked myself in the room because I was so scared of him and he broke down the door! The reason I have stayed is because I love him and I know he loves me too, but I just don’t love those angry fits he throws. Yesterday really did it for me and I just needed some advice and some thoughts. Yesterday the whole day was great. I got home changed and went to the gym with DH. When we got back we argued about everything and anything. I try to be wise and not fight but he will keep on fighting and when I try to sit down and calmly explain myself and my point of view, he just cuts me off and tells me that he is right. Yesterday I tried to tell him to please not let the water in the kitchen running while he went to watch TV or check his email. Doesn’t it make sense, to turn it off. Well he yelled and threw things and he said I was wrong. All I said was “Honey, please turn the water off while you are not in the kitchen, thanks.” He said I yelled, I don’t yell! I talk calm. I am a calm person, who doesn’t like to argue or fight and tries to resolve everything calmly and I just know how to pick my battles. All night yesterday he was fighting and arguing, punching things, throwing stuff. Then I was standing up taking my make up off in the bathroom and he comes like nothing happened to tickle me. I told him to please stop because I had just ate and my stomach was starting to hurt. He kept on doing it. I wasn’t laughing! I wasn’t giggling! I said stop like 5 times, until I yelled and said, “STOP, I just ate and my stomach hurts, please stop.” He said how rude I was. He does this all the time, one thing is to be saying stop while laughing and another is to say stop and be serious. I have tried to explain this to him so many times, but he wants it his way. I think if I love someone I wouldn’t do things that bother them. I tell him all the time, honey ______ bothers me, please don’t do it. Next day, he does it. I don’t get mad, all I say is honey remember that I said _____ bothers me and he still keeps on doing it. I was shaking all last night, couldn’t sleep, I was actual afraid for my life. I tried to close the door, while he was in the living room so that I could have some privacy for a while and he came in storming punching the door and the wall and saying that he wanted that door open. I just don’t know if I should tell him that I can’t do this anymore. I mean I have said it before and he will tell him that I’m not going anywhere, or he starts crying and says that it’s all my fault. Talking to him doesn’t work, we have tried counseling and he ended up cursing the counselor out. I don’t know if maybe I should have a talk with his parents and someone at church and have them talk to him... I have just run out of options. I don’t want to live scared, I don’t know if this is abuse. I don’t want to live like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: sweet_pea
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 11:05am
Yes, Sweetpea, it's abuse. Yelling, throwing things, punching things, refusing to stop something that is bothering you--these are all classic behaviors of an abuser. He won't change, and it will just get worse. Please post about your situation on the Domestic Abuse board ( http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting ), and let some experts in this subject--all women who have been where you are now--offer you advice and support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sweet_pea
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:37am

Sweet-pea, I'm so glad to see you've reposted on the Domestic Abuse board. Yes, this is very much abuse and you are in a very dangerous situation. His actions are absolutely emotional abuse. Throwing things, destroying things, are things that send the message "this could be thrown at you" or "you could be next". My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. I know very well the fear of watching him punch walls and break things, it's terrifying. In your situation, your husband also shows that he loves to control and torture by continuing to do things that you've asked him to stop doing. There's a reason you fear for your life, it's because you know things are escalating and you are in danger. Your husband's actions when you say you're leaving are absolutely classic abuser moves. He cries to make you feel bad, to make you think that he does have a heart, he does care, things will be different, but his moves are only made to keep you there, once you've decided to stay it goes back to the same old abuse. His telling you you're not going anyway is threatening, when he does that he's trying to scare you into staying.


Sweet-pea, I know you love him, but I know you know this is getting worse not better, and I know that you know it will continue to get worse. The good times are good, all abusive situations have good times, that's what keeps us there -- the hope that the good times will stay and the bad times will disappear. The sad truth is that the chance of an abuser changing are all but zero. The statistics on abusers who succeed in becoming non-abusive is 1%. And that 1% includes those who attend intensive abuse counseling. In other words, Sweet-pea, the chance of your husband changing is zero. Talking to his family won't help, talking to your church won't help. Couples counseling won't help, but it will make your situation dangerously worse, couples counseling is absolutely not appropriate in abusive situations, no abuse therapist would ever agree a couple being counseled together.


Please read through the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. Toward the bottom of the webpage you'll find articles on abuse, read them, even the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general.


Let us know how you're doing, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
In reply to: sweet_pea
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:14pm

Yes, what you are experiencing is abuse. Abuse does not have to be physical violence and the true test of abuse is the feeling that you are living in fear of your significant other. From what you describe, he has extreme anger issues, a severe lack of self discipline, a definite low level of maturity and no ability to recognize when he is not only losing control of himself but also no recognition of what his anger is doing to you.

Unfortunately since you've gone the route of a counselor unsuccessfully, the likelihood that you will be able to resolve the situation and retain the relationship is extremely poor. You will more than likely have to reconsider your desire to remain in the relationship and begin to plan alternatives to your life. It will not be easy. I have suffered much the same in regard to verbal abuse from my ex-spouse, coupled with the debilitating factor of alcohol abuse as well. I spent three years trying to resolve the situation but in the end, my only choice for happiness was to leave the relationship. This is something you will have to consider long and hard. The best option is to seek counseling for yourself and decide what your best plan of action would be.

I wish I could offer you an easy solution that would save your relationship, however the easy answers are often not the best answers. Seek advice from friends, from family and most of all, seek the truth in your heart about whether you are really happy with the relationship overall. It is easy to fool yourself into believing that things will work out if you only try harder and sometimes that is not the answer. Sometimes the hardest but best answer is that you must disassemble all that you have built with this person and start over. It will be probably one of the most difficult achievements in your life, however you might just find happiness with someone else down the road. Imagine living with someone who doesn't throw things and yell. Imagine not living in fear. Imagine a life where you are comfortable with the one you love and when you have something to say, he listens and understands. Imagine a man who will not become defensive and in the example of the water faucet, turn to you and say, "Oh, sorry about that. You're right, I should have shut off the water." And then he does it. Problem resolved with no effort other than the fact that you voiced your concern about a problem and he listened to you.

Good luck and I hope you find the path to happiness, whatever that may be.