Is it balance or is it pulling away?help
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| Wed, 04-05-2006 - 5:14pm |
It's been 5 1/2 months now in my "Healthy Relationship". Yes, I have seen a counselor now at least 3 times now who has worked with abuse and many other problems that I have or have had in my past 3 abusive relationships. Many know me here and what I have gone through which is helpful but have found that it also has hindered me to really get the help here that I need. Please keep in mind that I really want to be in a successful relationship for once and counseling is only 1 hour a week. I need more than that, admittingly so and this is why I am here and need your help.
We just got back from vacation and we did have an episode of me feeling insecure and jealous and worse, I also acted on it and almost ruined our vacation. I was on my period and seemed unable to handle my emotions, coupled with the fact that we were drinking. Anyway, I was jealous of a beautiful bartender showing off her cleavage and leaning forward in front of him. I wasn't even going to bring it up but he could tell by my face and how I was glaring at her that I was bothered by her. Before you know it, I was talking and it only hurt me in the end. I seem to beable to keep my mouth closed but my face shows it and he ended up pulling it out of me. I have been cheated on in my last 3 relationships but I was also jealous and insecure in them too.
Too be a little quicker about my story. Here are things that I know about me.
I am jealous, insecure, need constant reasurrance, worry, fear of abandonment, speaking negatively about myself and others, not always upbeat and happy but I am sometimes, have no confidence or have very little, I interrupt a lot, sometimes feel that my feelings are more important than someone elses, selfish in ways to get my needs met, but have been working on it, constantly worry about not having the time to have a child (36 1/2 years old now), wonder if I have ADD or ADHD because my mind goes 90 to nothing and I work on a million projects at once and never complete them, I am afraid to try, I don't feel good enough, I don't stick to my diet or achieve my personal goals, don't even really have any personal goals, have an unfullfilling job but do make good money to support myself and own my own house, and I think nonstop about my relationship and analyze everything.
Is he pulling away now because after spending 4 months of him staying at my house now wants to spend the majority of his time at his own house or does he really want balance? I don't know what healthy is, like I have mentioned before. I do really want your help, so please help me see what I need to see. He also said that it is a bitter sweet thing to want to stay over but hates the traffic in the morning for him to go back home. I had told him that I could stay there but he told me that I needed to go to work in the morning and that I have a dog. Am I reading to much into all of this?

<> Honey, you're wrong. Your past has a direct effect on your present. Until you've done the work to resolve the emotional issues and dysfunctional thinking you have due to those past experiences they will continue to have a direct impact on you. Much as you'd like to, you can't separate the two, they are a part of you. You've got to resolve them through work in therapy so that THEY will not continue to hinder you.
In your description of yourself, I see many examples that illustrate that you are very effected by the abuse you've suffered for so many years. When you've completed therapy you'll find many of these things you don't like about yourself will have magically disappeared.
From what I read, it sounds like this therapist you're working with is like the last, someone who is accredited in individual therapy and not in domestic issues specifically. You're hampering your own progress. You say you want to be better, healthy, happy, but you continue to make choices that hamper you.
There are no short cuts honey. I wish you could see that.
Well, I know I've shared my feelings with you before about how "healthy" a relationship that started so fast and furious can really be...just because a relationship is not abusive doesn't mean it's necessarily "healthy"!! There are lots of different ways to be unhealthy; abusive is only one of them.
The short answer to your question is, only time will tell. It could be that he's striving for balance because the two of you got too serious, too fast, or it could be that he's starting to wonder if the two of you are really right for each other. Only time will tell if it's one of those, or something else altogether. Having the patience to wait and see is one of the tools you need to be in a healthy relationship. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor to help you with acquiring those tools. Remember, only if you have two healthy people, can you have a healthy relationship!
Sheri
Myrinalyn's previous posts can be found here:
New relationship w/ new prob/please help
I finally said NO for 2 dates.It's over!
How do I say goodbye?
Alone now for 2 wks/things are better :)
Myrinalyn here~Everyone here was right..
I moved out, he dumped me it hurts :(
~Hi All~ Still here have made progress
Should I move out?
Ultimatum has been given/Should I have?
These are listed from last to first.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with both the responses you've received so far, Myrinalyn. Your past plays a big part in what's happening to you today, it doesn't disappear when the relationship ends. We're all affected and shaped by our experiences, good and bad, you're no exception. First things first, sweetie, that's the way it works for all of us. You can't hurry it up and you can't bypass it, you have to deal with it before you can change it and stop it from affecting your life. What I can also tell you is that I understand wanting to be able to move on to a healthy, happy relationship. You might remember that I was in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship too.When I began a new relationship, the years of living in that bad environment didn't allow me to act, react, and behave as I wanted to and as I knew I should. I knew if I didn't work through therapy to resolve the issues and effects it had left on me it would also affect every relationship I had for the rest of my life. I had to "clean up", relearn and unlearn some things, and get a clean bill of health from my therapist before I was able to move on without the affects of abuse and dysfunction.
I'm a little confused, you seem to be associating your actions at the barmaid as the reason for his going home at night, or do I misunderstand? You wrote about your feelings, but didn't associate it with anything. Were you just relating an incident?
At any rate. I'll tell you staying over at someone's house nightly for four months after being in a relationship for only a month and a half is not healthy and is not balanced. It's clear from his response to you that it isn't about the traffic, as when you offered to go to his place, he suggested you needed to stay home. Whether he wants to be alone because he needs some alone time (which is perfectly understandable) or whether it's because he's cooling down on the relationship only he knows. I will say that, as Sheri said, there are certainly concerns about how any relationship that starts so fast and furious can be healthy; and those that start out fast and furious do so without taking the time to really get to know the other person often find that once the heat and smoke clear it really wasn't what they thought it would be. Relationships that start like that often fizzle just as quickly. Yes, I know you've known him for a long time, but, like I've said before, that doesn't take the place of taking your time in getting to know each other in this new kind of relationship. If you want to know what's really going on in your relationship you have to ask the person you're in the relationship with. Any relationship that you're sleeping with someone in you should certainly be close enough to be able to talk honestly and openly.
I agree with Lurkerdelux that much of your description of yourself contained symptoms common to abuse victims. You may be surprised to find that they'll disappear with therapy.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
The barmaid incident was our very first fight so to speak. Yes, we have disagreed before but not like this. I can hardly believe we had to leave the restaurant because I made a sceen. I said, "So, casual flirting is ok, then?" Dumb, I know. I feared that he was flirting like my ex use to do all the time to me. He really wasn't flirting. He just answered her questions politely. I read to much into it. So, when we got back from our trip now he wants to spend time alone which made me wonder if it was just everything about our relationship or not.
We still don't know what to do about how I want children and how he now has changed his mind again to not want children. The reason though is because my family hasn't accepted him so how could they accept our child. Then, he just up and changed his mind which I know now that people have that right. It just felt unfair because I wasn't going to get intimate with him until we have that settled. I have noticed though that we usually do oral sex now and not the real thing. He probably is afraid to get me pregnant even though the chances are slim because I have endometriosis and the doctor said that I would need a willing partner to do envitro which costs about $8,000.
I feel that I need to learn to be patient somehow and not worry so much. Who would want to be with someone who constantly brought up issues about small stuff (which is most days) plus have big issues not settled yet. If all agree, I think I should just take this time that he seems to be doing and work on me and not rock the boat until I am 100% sure of what I want. Maybe see how it goes this summer while he is constantly around women at the bait shop/marina/boat rental. I have a problem with jealousy and this will be a test. Does this sound good?
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
How about you just take this time that he seems to be doing and work on you. Forget about "not rocking the boat" because if you're worrying/concentrating on not that you're not focusing on working on you. If it's right it will still be right when you're done. If it's not right, it won't work whether you resolve your issues or not, so you have nothing to lose.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for the advice. I have been trying to even learn to cook super for myself. It is very difficult. I went to the counselor and after 4 visits she has determined based off all the information from my past that I have dependent personality disorder. I really believe she is correct on this and this is why I stayed in an abusive relationship too. It's too bad that my other counselors didn't recognize this. Here is a site that talks about it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_personality_disorder#Problems_caused_by_dependence
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Best of luck!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"