It hurts, and I shouldn't let it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
It hurts, and I shouldn't let it.
28
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 2:13pm

BF and I are technically over. We are in the process of waiting for a plan so he can move out. No one knows, we are the happy couple to everyone including our kids.

So yesterday I saw a few e-mails from him to his son's mother's sister. She invited him to a party, and is asking on whether he is going. Keep in mind that SS's mom lives with her sister and she despises me. SS mom, not only doesnt want to pick up SS for her weekend but wants to drop off her other kid too (because of the party). I asked him about the party, (he doesnt know i saw the e-mail, it was on his screen and I peeked) and whether or not he was invited, joking around with him. He acted surprised. As if it was the first he heard of them having a party. Responded surprised as well. His response in the e-mail was that if there were going to be any hotties there? and if he wanted to go he would, he didnt need permission.

Now I know we are kind of over, but talking like this and to the sister of the witch? That hurts, and him keeping it from me. Not being honest about it. Also, the witch herself, sends him e-mails saying how she knows he loves her, and closes them with, love you much etc.

I can't stop crying. I am so hurt by all of this. He claims innocence. What a load of crap. I hate him, I wish I could.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 4:10pm
Understanding more about your situation, I have more thoughts.....


Thinking about the Christmas situation, your boyfriend not giving his son some of his gifts due to the other boy. I think that's perfectly understandable, not wanting one child to feel left out because the other is getting a ton more gifts than he is. But, there are other things to consider. What did this child get from his bio dad and bio dad's family? Betting you boyfriend's son didn't reap benefits from that, and I'll bet he saw the stepbrother's gifts too. Which brings me to a whole 'nother thought....


You have the opportunity to provide these boys with an environment that shows them a healthy way to live and be. Bio mom may school them in keeping quiet about the boy's father, but that doesn't mean you have to play along. Being appropriate and upfront will show them another way of dealing with things - an appropriate way of dealing with things. For instance, during Christmas, in the course of normal conversation, just ask, "So what did you get from your dad and your family on your dad's side?" You can ask questions like that anytime, "Did you have a good time at Magic Mountain with your Aunts and Uncles? Have you had a chance to tell your dad about it yet?" He'll be uncomfortable at first, and maybe won't give you straight answers (he's been learning all his life not to go there), but by making it a non-issue and approaching it as a normal, acceptable, appropriate thing to talk about, you'll eventually make it okay for him to talk about. He needs that. Not only does he need a place to be able to say things as they really are, he needs to see a normal, healthy way of dealing with it, he needs to see something other than the dysfunctional way he's learning to live now. You can make a great difference in these kids' lives by being upfront and honest and treating things as they should be treated. It's a way of living that they need to see. The result of that will be not only healthier kids who no longer have a taboo about what they can and can't talk about, but your boyfriend will see firsthand that bio dad is involved, and you won't be badmouthing bio mom to show it.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 4:40pm

I didnt push him to cave, IT Was obvious that SS was sad. He hasn't seen her since New Years when she dropped him off un-announced.

This incident directly hurt SS, BF was already considering taking him. We discussed it and thought it in SS best interest to take him to see his mother. As for Disney on Ice, BF actually discussed this with me, and he mentioned that fact. We both were under the assumption that Disney on Ice was just to lure SS to take his money. If she indeed had no gas $ or diapers she would take SS money and use it for just that. BF asked SS to not take his money, that if they were going that his mom could pay for him just like she would pay for her other kids, but SS would not hear it. He insisted and told his dad he wouldnt spend all his money, but he would take it just in case. It is a sad thing to see.

Also I wasn't complaining, I just wanted to give an example of BMs character and this being so recent I felt would do. I feel so bad for SS. Having a mother like that, who doesnt care for her own son's feelings.

The reference to Magic mountain etc would not do. I know this from information on the internet (myspace). BF doesnt know and BM doesnt know I know. I cant just pop it in without explaning where it came from. I know 2 wrongs dont make a right but if I cared enough to find out then why doesnt BF?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 4:59pm
You're asking the wrong person, he's the one you should ask. Who's Myspace page are you checking out? Why does Myspace have to be a secret from your boyfriend?


Kids being kids, my guess is if you asked the boy about Spacemountain he's think he might have slipped and said something, you overheard him, or biomom said something. I don't see a problem with just asking him about it at all, adults know about kid's doings all the time.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 5:01pm

That would be great but one thing..... BF Family doesnt know the truth (except mom and Dad) And the entire family was there when X-mas Presents deal went down. Also it would work if both kids actually talked to me about it. They will not. They are told not to talk about it I assume. In the past I did mention it (years ago) and All I got was a dirty look. Like how dare I mention or ask about that. Also they told their mom and BM told BF as to why I had to question her kids about so and so, I had an earful from BF. Oh and If I did ask infront of BF it would be crazy in our house. How dare I? Its not my business. (this is the shared thought between all of them, yes including BF)

Your thoughts are exactly what I have been trying BF to do... So that children can gradually understand that living a lie or constantly having to lie is not right. The more these people including myself continue to live this lie, the more it will show kids that this is normal. I have said many times that SS's brother is welcomed in our home as that. SS brother, with the truth known and everyone knowing that there is nothing to hide. WIth the frequency that siblings may see each other whom are from separated parents etc. There is no reason for him to come live with us, or even to come EOW. For a while, SS was saying that his little sister was also BF daughter...why not? All his other siblings were (but werent) so why not her? He knew she went to someone elses house (bio dad) just like his little brother, and yet little brother was calling his own dad, dad, why the difference?

Thanks for all your thoughts they have been very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 5:25pm
I don't see compromising my beliefs as a way of operation in my own home - let alone anywhere else. Dirty looks and no response from the kids is not surprise, it'll take more than one effort to bring them around, they've had years of practice in dealing in a dysfunctional way. You'll have to continue to bring it up, and do so in a non-confrontational way, as though it's normal and no big deal (in other words, deal with it in the way it really should be dealt with). Boyfriend flips? How dare he expect you to compromise your standards and your character? He's free to deal with it as he chooses, but that doesn't mean you have to play along. He can - and should - respect your standards and respect you for living what you believe. He can figure out how to make his dysfunctionality work in your appropriate world, no way should you have to sink to his dysfunctional standards. Take it as far as you believe it should be taken. At Christmas you didn't have to ask in front of everyone, I'm sure there was plenty of time that the boy was in your home when the rest of his family wasn't. You can ask about what he got from others for Christmas anytime. No, it won't be comfortable for him, he's not used to honesty, but he should learn that honesty is a given at your house. As for your boyfriend's siblings, I would tell boyfriend that I won't tell them the truth, but I won't lie to them either. If questions come up from them I'd just say, "That's something you'll have to ask BF". Why live a lie? Why be teaching your child, boyfriend's son and this other boy that lying is acceptable, an every day occurrence, that secrets are okay?

Your boyfriend may not like it, but I'd much rather live feeling good about myself than allow myself to live acting in a manner I knew wasn't right at all. Been there, tried that, it didn't play well at all. I wasn't comfortable and didn't like myself very much.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 5:42pm
What's the purpose of this lie anyway? Who's it protecting? Boyfriend knows, child knows, bio son knows, bio dad knows. What's the purpose does secrecy hold? What's the point in it?


Now you've got me thinking, and that's never a good thing ~ lol!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:01pm

My point exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:19pm
...and the answer is?


...and you participate because?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages