Is it inappropriate to be going out to bars so much without me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Is it inappropriate to be going out to bars so much without me?
17
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 5:53pm

Hello again! I've posted on here before, kind of with the same problems, same guy. We've been together 2 years and have some trust issues. We've worked on just about all of them, except one. He goes out drinking with his buddies and it makes me very uncomfortable. It's been going on for about 6 months (right after we broke up and got back together). Every Monday night (which is the one night a week he works late) he goes and meets a group of guys at a bar. Normally I wouldn't care. And I didn't. Until I found out he had lied about where he was in the past. So I ask him about this "tradition." The first story was that it's when I watch my tv shows so he just goes out with his friends. Then it become that his buddie's wife worked there and they went to hang out with her. Well she doesn't work there anymore. And the service it terrible so he said he wasn't going to go anymore after I brought it up. AND we're saving up to take a trip so we promised to save money by staying in more. Well 2 weeks ago, apparently the tradition started back up. Except this time, he lied. He told me a story from the last Monday at the bar. Then Sunday night one of his friends slipped up and said I'll see you tomorrow. So I asked him. He said they hadn't been going in a while since the wife quit,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

I remember you, Mel, and as I recall, we told you last time the same thing I'm going to tell you right now: sweetie, you picked a lemon in the garden of love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier

(good book)

You are asking if it's inappropriate for him to go to bars without you, when the real issue is all this lying. Also, not following through.

Do you think you're waiting around for him to start coming clean? What are you waiting around for?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome back, Mel272010 ~

For those who aren't familiar, who need a refresher and so that you can have the chance to re-read it,


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Mel, Geo and Sierra are right.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010

What bothers me the most about all this is that before we met, I was not this needy and controlling. I was a free spirit! Now I just feel miserable all the time because I have all these issues that I never knew I could have. It's just dragging me down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I'm not sure why you would expect anything more from a person who simply is not honest. From my perspective, having read your other post, he's behaving exactly within his nature. It's not really a surprise. I don't think you're too surprised either, yet for some reason you continue to agonize over it as though there's anything about him you can change.

Sometimes we have to come to the very difficult realization, and even more difficult ACCEPTANCE, that the only control we have over another person is whether or not we're in a relationship with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hugs Mel,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it's contradictory to say that you are sure he wouldn't cheat then get freaked out & insecure because he wants to go to a bar w/ his friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

"Now I just feel miserable all the time because I have all these issues that I never knew I could have. It's just dragging me down."

I think it's because you are with the wrong guy for you! You didn't turn controlling and needy all by yourself! Like Ollie said, it's a by--product of staying in a relationship with a liar.

"He's being immature and he doesn't understand what I need from this relationship"

Then he's again not the right guy for you! If he can't get it after 2 years, then he's REALLY not the guy for you.

"And I can't get him to understand that hurts."

I had to learn this in therapy.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

Ok so he is lying to you. No doubt about that. Its not a good thing. He should be honest about what he is doing, where he is going, etc.

Now zeroing in on just this going out to the bar scenario:

By your own admission he is lying about going out to the bar with his friends because he knows how you will react if he is honest with you. That you will freak out. He does not want to deal with that and he really enjoys going out once a week so he lies and goes out. Another person posted about this idea that for some reason he cannot go out without you? You trust him but yet you don't? I see nothing wrong with someone wanting to go out with their friends once a week. It is unhealthy for two people to do everything together and spend all their freetime together. You need friends outside the relationship.

Yes it is a night out to get away from you. What's wrong with that?? Its not that he doesn't want to be with you or be around you, it's that he doesn't want to be with you 24/7 with no other friends!!!!

I think that you will find that if you are accepting of him going out with his friends, that he won't have to lie to you and your overall relationship will be much better.

Maybe you have other lying or trust issues with him and maybe in those other cases he is in the wrong but in this case I have to side with him.

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