Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Is it me?
18
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:31am
My boyfriend and I both have kids from previous relationships... I have two girls (4,7) and he has three boys (5,7,13)... We have been living with each other since June. I have my kids most of the time and he has his once a week and every second weekend. Here's the thing... his ex is a real pain in the ass... she is constantly calling about stupid stuff, and it rarely is important stuff. I can understand she needs to call here but as soon as something pops in her head she's on the phone here. I have had conversations with her and it always ends up with her trying to put negative thoughts about my boyfriend in my head... Obviously, she doesn't want us together and she would love to see us break up. I have tried to take it all in stride and keep my chin up, but it is really starting to irritate me. Not only does she call, but on the weekends when the kids are here she has to pop by 3 times to bring stuff for them... we go to the boys hockey games and she sits with us or right behind me... My boyfriend and her don't get along so I know this is strictly for my benefit. I don't want to be a whiner about this, but is it me or do I have a right to roll my eyes every time she calls or shows up in my face... I've never had a relationship with somebody who had kids and an ex and all that stuff, but this is starting to cause problems for me. I have an ex and my ex has a new girl in his life, I know that she probably doesn't want me calling unless I have something that I need to talk to him about, and I don't... I don't want to mess them up, nor do I want to even talk to him unless I have to. My boyfriend is wonderful and has said I'm going to tell her to just stop calling unless its an emergency - she can leave a message for all the stupid little stuff. I told him not to do that because she'll just get back at him or me in some other little way. I can totally see her just sitting back and laughing and when she does call, it always seems to put a damper on our day... Anyways, I just want some advice if I have a right to be annoyed or do I just have to suck it up because that's what comes with a boyfriend with kids? Advice is very welcome, please be brutally honest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
In reply to: buttercup_99
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:46pm

I think perhaps I didn't express myself correctly... I HAVE NOT and WILL NOT tell my boyfriend what to do and how to treat his ex. He has his own mind and has to do what he wants to do... I don't want to influence any decision he makes, nor do I want to cause problems for anybody. That is not my place or my business, trust me I completely get that. I'm also not worried that he will go back to her...

I just really didn't know if I was being horrible person for getting annoyed, I didn't know if it was me... I really wanted to hear from people with similar situations to see how they handle it or if it even bothered them.

I didn't even bring this subject up, actually my boyfriend caught me rolling my eyes when she called yet again, which sparked this whole situation - I would have probably just kept my mouth shut and either dealt with it or not. I don't push my bf around, he like I, are in control of our own decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 12:45am
No, you expressed yourself just fine; I wasn't implying that you try to direct him. At the same time, I'm sure you've read your boyfriend's post and have read that the focus of his "problem" is how it's affecting you. He seems very focused on doing what you want him to do.


Some may think you're a horrible person, some may agree with you 100%, it's what you feel is right that matters. Rule of thumb though, is the better relationship a child's parents have when apart (or together for that matter), the better it is for the child. That's not to be misread as meaning one should accept behavior that's unacceptable. It means being able to have an amicable, adult relationship.


How did he deal with his ex's frequent calls before you and he moved in together? Surely you witnessed this you were at his place, before you moved in together, right? What did you think of it then? How long has he and his ex been apart? How long have you and he been together? How long were you and he together before you moved in together?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/21/2006 3:33 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 3:11am
I got that, Q, but thanks anyway, you can't know whether I've missed it or not; I much more appreciate a heads up when I don't need it than silence when I do!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/21/2006 3:39 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
In reply to: buttercup_99
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:07am

I think my boyfriend really doesn't want me to say forget it and this isenough, not that that threat lingers, but we both know, our situation is sometimes pretty difficult... Truthfully, having 5 kids in the house is enough to break up any couple, but we really try to find positive ways in dealing with the chaos. We both see that we really have an unbelievable connection and we both don't want to lose that, the kids will get older and easier to handle. So, my guess his focus is on trying to keep us together and strong. I think he is better with chaos than I...

Absolutely, I agree, the better their relationship the better it is for the children. They tried to have a good relationship, but she blew it by pulling really immature things. She came to the door and had a talk to me about how much of an ass my bf is, there is evidence that sometimes she says inappropriate things to the kids about their dad, and so on, stuff that has happened, where my bf actually told her "forget it - I don't want anything to do with you, I don't want you calling, I don't want to do you favors" that was all him - I didn't say a word!!! Then, I'm not sure what happened but they had an issue that they worked on together and decided to try to be civil to each other for the kids... but apparently civil means best friends to her! I have been living with my bf since June and the calling started just recently. I didn't deal with it when it was just him she called occasionally but it wasn't constantly and it didn't seem to be about stupid little things. As long as I knew him it was infrequent. I never really asked, because it is none of my business. They have been apart about 3 years we have been together for about 1 year... and the calls have begun probably Sept/Oct... (almost a year into the relationship, how can I not think that she is just doing this for my benefit???)

If they can have a civil relationship, then that's great, but i really don't think that means she's gotta be on the horn all the time talking about a pair of gloves over and over. But I also understand it's not what I think, I don't want to hinder any possible relationship between them - I don't want to step in the way of anything. I just want to be with my bf and I just want her to give us our "alone" time and not bombard us with the phone calls about stupid things. So, I think both my bf and I agree it's an issue of boundaries and it's up to him to set them - he has the power here, I'm not going to say anything, this is in his hands now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: buttercup_99
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 2:00pm

you write: "So, I think both my bf and I agree it's an issue of boundaries and it's up to him to set them - he has the power here, I'm not going to say anything, this is in his hands now."


well done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:45pm
I agree with Quenek 100%.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:10am

>>"I am pretty sure she knows now that she made a mistake by breaking up with my boyfriend and it isn't so easy to raise three kids on her own">>

how does your boyfriend feel about considering a reconciliation with his X?...IMO IF a family can be re-built thats something the couple should have pause for thought about... often a separation period is a perfect oppurtunity for parents to realize breaking up was a mistake...if shes the one who broke up with your b/f, maybe he might be willing to give it another try for his childrens sake....because it sure would be hard to raise 3 kids on her own and they very well may be better off back together.

at least it would be worth encouraging your b/f to take some time to think about IMO.

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2006
In reply to: buttercup_99
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:36am

i would never on god's green earth get back with x.. NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!! i would never give it another try ever.. i love my present girlfriend with all my heart and quite frankly she's the only thing that matters to me and i will do anything for her....

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