is it me? or him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
is it me? or him?
11
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:38pm

I've written on a couple of other message boards about this, and i've gotten good advice....but at this point I'm so ready to call it quits it isn't even funny.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6.
I was well aware of the conditions when we married...as in those little habits and such. We lived together for probably 4 out of the 6 years, so I guess I feel like there was plenty of time to get used to each other.

Lately, both of us have had to make major career decisions...his for the better, and for me it was change. (A paycut change that is.) I was always so used to feeling like I was independent, and never having money be an issue. But in the past few years, I had gone through jobs that were totally well paid, but took away from some major time with everyone and had me losing weight and stressed out. So I decided to go back to doing what I love, for about half the money. Most of the living expenses have fallen on him now, and he doesn't complain, but when a heated arguement surfaces, he seems to like to bring up the fact that he pays for all that stuff-which I think is totally wrong and just downright mean. He knows how I like to feel like i'm contributing, and I don't feel like I am. I'm trying to make a career work and I'm in a hard field to make that happen. I'm stuck between doing what I love, and the hours I work. It sucks and I hate that it sucks. I almost feel like I don't care what he thinks about my hours and he has said many times that he doesnt like my hours. I feel like it's MY job, and MY happiness. Why should I slave at a job I'm misearable at?
Among other things, he has a horrible habit of sleeping on the couch, and he blames his upbringing of falling asleep in front of the t.v on that. Okay...and this habit has been an ongoing issue. I've explained to him that it seems that he only comes to bed for sex, so I started to cut that off too.

On another note, he always seems to be pushing my buttons all the time. I feel like he gives the dogs more attention than he does to me. I don't see him to often because of my work hours, and when I do see him, I feel like I should tell him what's been going on. He somehow feels that this is nagging or complaining. His favorite phrase to use is "Whats the problem now?" I can't tell you how hurtful it is, and I've resorted to just not saying anything. He said that he often feels like i'm not happy, and I don't know why. I have always been an honest person, and I always say what's on my mind. He sometimes gets mad when I tell him what's on my mind and that makes me more confused and not wanting to share what's on my mind with him. He gets mad when I do that, so I just avoid that stuff now. I don't feel like i can talk to him about my problems anymore, and I don't have any close friends. I really don't want to tell my mom or brothers because I'd rather not have them worry. There are times though, that when we do get into heated discussions, I am darn tempted to just pack my bags and stay at a hotel....and it's more often lately.

Very recently, I've just decided to stay quiet and really think through whats going on with me, and I feel like I'm NOT happy. And maybe I don't need to stay with him. We talk about having children and I just don't think I want them, becuase if there are issues that can't be resolved, I don't want them in the middle of it. I don't think I've ever felt actual depression, but I definitely feel like I'm in a funk. Its like I wait at home all day, looking forward to him coming home, and either he's totally late or he acts like he doesn't want to see me. It hurts alot.

I'm not really sure if I'm just venting, but if anyone has any thoughts, I'm looking forward to them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:45pm
Loving the comments about you and Seapines being roommates ~ I hear that! There have been a few times in my life that while commiserating with friends we've concocted the same plan -- let's move in together and forget the guys altogether! LOL!


Nibbles, if your husband won't go to counseling, go without him. There is an incredible amount of good you can do your relationship by seeing a counselor, even without him. You'll be amazed how much realization, ideas and tools you'll get that will make an immense difference. Not only that, but if you tell him you've made an appointment and hope he'll come, but whether he does or not you're going, you might find that he'll go with you. Do be sure though, that the counselor you see is licensed or otherwise accredited in a field of couples counseling. Many individual counselors and therapists offer couples counseling as a "service" to their clients, however, because counseling clients is a specialty that requires a completely different set of skills and techniques, those who aren't qualified often end up doing more damage to the very relationships they're trying to help.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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