Is it okay to have guy friends?
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| Mon, 05-29-2006 - 11:22am |
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. We have a serious relationship. On Saturday, I went to visit a good guy friend of mine in another city who just got back from teaching English in Korea. I invited my bf to come along but he said no. So I spoke with my bf early in the week to ask him which day worked better (Saturday or Sunday) for me to go. He said Saturday, so off I went. My bf is always weary of my guy friends as he believes they have feelings for me and he feels that they are a threat to our relationship.
So my bfs mother asked me about my day when I saw her and I told her about it as I have nothing to hide. As soon as she found out that my friend was male, she immediately asked me if this friend of mine has amorous feelings for me. I told her the truth about him liking me in the past but he knows about my bf and he respects my relationship and wouldn’t do anything to hurt that. Besides, I would not put myself in a situation where I would feel uncomfortable. His mother asked me why I would want to jeopardize what I have established with her son. I told her that my friend is just a friend, nothing more. I said that her son trusts me and that I would like for them both to meet and become friends. I am not trying to hide anything. There is nothing to hide! I just don’t understand why people think that males and females can’t be friends without ulterior motives these days.
Anyways my bf’s mom spoke with her son that evening after I left. Apparently what I did was distasteful and that she thinks that I am bored in the relationship and that her son should be cautious.
Now my boyfriend wants to me to talk to her about it again. I disagree with discussing this further with his mom. If I keep talking about it, it makes it an issue, and it’s not. I don’t have to prove, explain or defend myself as there is nothing to prove,
explain or defend. My relationship is with him, not his mom so long as we
have a mutual understanding with what goes on in ‘our’ relationship, than
that’s all that should matter. I know that his mom cares about him and is
only looking out for his best interest so I think it’s his responsibility to
put her mind at ease, if need be. Going over this over and over again will look like I have something to hide and will look like I am trying to smooth things over with her and will ultimately make me look guilty, which I am not. I did nothing wrong. My bf gave
me his blessing as he trusts me and I thank him for that. I am sorry she sees
that I did something wrong. That was not my intention.
I have been cheated on in the past and it’s not fun. I will never put anyone through that ‘cause I know how it hurts.
At this stage in life his mom shouldn’t be involved. We have an adult relationship and I want to keep it that way. It’s not her business what I do with my time. I don’t want to keep explaining myself ‘cause I feel that will start a pattern that I don’t want to be in. What do you guys think? Can I have friends of the opposite sex when I am in a serious relationship?

yes you can, if you have a healthy and mature relationship with your BF. This means caring what each thinks and feels and creating scenarios that are acceptable to both of you. Be careful of the "too bad, I have nothing to hide" stiff arm. It can make things worse.
Regarding your BF's mother --- if you don't want her involved than don't discuss it with her, period. Your BF has now asked to talk more and you should talk to him --- it matters what he is feeling even if his mother is exasperating the situation.
P.
Of course it's "ok"...it's neither immoral or illegal. Some people are uncomfortable with the idea but your bf seems to be ok with it, so that's great.
I agree with you that getting his mother further involved would not be a good idea. Hopefully she'll drop it if he doesn't bring it up to her again, or he can just let her know that the two of you have resolved the issue between you.
Sheri
Welcome to the board, Ruby_25 ~
I agree that it's entirely possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, I have many guy friends myself. I also agree that it's not your place to talk to his mother. I think you're dead on right that your relationship is with her son, not her and discussion on the subject is none of her business and not her concern. That's not to say I don't understand her being concerned for her son, but he should be the one to say, "Mom, I appreciate your concern, but it's my business and I'll handle it as I choose." or something along those lines. I also agree that continuing to discuss it with her would be a bad thing, not a good one. You'll send her the message that it is her business and that the subject is one that she can approach you one.
I don't think you did anything wrong by telling her about it to begin with, you answered her question honestly, as you should have. I wouldn't hesitate to answer it honestly again if it came around again (not that she'll like it!). It's important to be honest, but it's also important to keep proper boundaries where they belong. Telling mom that you visited a friend that's male is appropriate, agreeing to discuss how that endangers your relationship with her son is not.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"