Is it right for a married man to text coworkers from the opposite sex - during work and after 5?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is it right for a married man to text coworkers from the opposite sex - during work and after 5?
36
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 6:24pm

Let me start off by saying I've been with my husband for a little over 21 years - High school sweethearts.  We have kids and pets - the whole nine.  I believe in my heart that he's a good man. He's a good father and a good husband.  He thinks he's getting old because he hit his forties.  To be honest, he looks very good for his age.  Im still physically attracted to him and I try to boost his ego by saying nice things about him - All true stuff. I love him with all my heart and soul. 

But here's the issue - Last week, he got a text with a Good morning.  Number was local and didn't belong to any of his contacts so I gave him the phone and said here, you got a text. I didn't open it.  He immediately deleted the text and put the phone down.  I asked him who was that? He said he didn't know.  But his whole persona changed.  Like he knew exactly who it was.  I've been with the man for a long time - I know when he's lying so I asked him again. Are you sure you don't know that person. He said no, it's probably someone from work.  

I'm sorry but I felt in my heart he was lying. I knew he knew who that was.  So I went online to see our cellular calls and texts and lo and behold, there were PLENTY of texts from that same number (I have a good memory w/ numbers).  I thought, how can he not know who that person is if he's been testing this person back and forth for 4-5 days.  I asked again.  He then got pissed because I wouldn't take no for an answer.  

Two days later I decided to print out the phone and text list.  I noticed he did not make any calls to this person - just texts.  I saved it and waited to talk to him when he was calm.  Days past by and he makes jokes that I make a big deal out of nothing and that he is not cheating on me.  

I did not accuse him of cheating - I accused him of lying about knowing the number when in fact he did know. The proof was in the print out from our cellular.  

I asked him again and still he say it's most likely someone from work (most of the employees are women!) and it's nothing.  

So today I showed him the list I printed out and he got so pissed! He said I invaded his privacy and that I was treating him like a child. All I want him to do is to be in box so I can tell him what to do. He said he would never forgive me for doing this.  
Mind you, he did say that he knows the person (from work and yes a female) but since he knows how I am (I guess jealous) he didn't want to tell me.  

I feel bad only because I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy but as his wife, I feel like I did nothing wrong.  We should not have any secrets between us anyway and if he can't do it in front of me, then he shouldn't be doing at all.  We have this rule - we are not to be friends with the opposite sex bc we are both not comfortable with situation.  We've had that rule since the beginning so why change it now? Why does he feel like its right to have female friends to text or to sext (I don't know!) behind my back?

I tried telling him that it can start off innocently with texting good morning, how are you and getting your attention but I'm sure this can lead to something else. 

He hasn't spoken to me all day bc he pissed at me and doesn't want to look at me in the face (what he told me).  I think he's pissed bc he got caught.

Tell me, what would you have done?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

juliasuk,  You can disagree with me all you want.  I suggested MC because many times the partner who refuses to open up to his/her spouse  will do so with a 'professional' counselor.  Perhaps you have not had experience with a counselor or had a bad experience with one. I know many couples who were helped--yes especially ones whose spouses need to learn to set appropriate boundaries.

You have absolutely no idea what this man is thinking, you are guessing.  This does not make you 'right' and anyone else laughable. 

What positive advice do you have for the original poster?  Why do you feel the need to debate or attack my suggestions?  If you disagree that is fine but this is a support board not a debate board.

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

Sorry Ollie. I didn't mean to attack, or debate. I apologise if I came accross like that. I am guessing, yes, but..it's a pretty confident guess. As I said, I've BTDT. I know what it's like first hand. I know. I'm not just saying that I know - I do. You can talk to the best therapist in the world for hours. What no therapist on this planet can do is remove the bit in the brain of a middle-aged man  which is responsible for said man suddenly realising he's middle-aged, and has only ever been intimate with one woman - his wife.

I asked my middle-aged very experienced BTDT gorgeous 45 y old husband once whether he could have stayed - faithfully -  with one of his first gf-s...those going back to when he was 20..21..22. He just laughed really loud and said the suggestion alone was ludicrous...

 I gave the OP my advise too.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Having a rule about no opposite sex friends seems a little drastic but if you have both agreed to it then so be it. Personally I don't see anything wrong with having any friend that you want. A relationship should have the trust to be ok with this. That being said, in this particular situation/incident, the little good morning text from her, for me, just lights up my radar somewhat. It doesn't strike me as something most men would do, friend to friend. It has a flirty nature to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Go ahead steal away ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Yeah seems a bit flirty to me too. Like she's thinking about him early in the am, even before she sees him at work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
I disagree. An occasional text to an opposite text friend is one thing, BUT she said she found "PLENTY of texts going between them" on the bill. And if they are all innocent he would not be deleting them ASAP. Her intuition is kicking in and most likely for a reason. IMHO not setting boundaries about opposite sex friends IS exactly what leads to affairs. And affairs ALWAYS start out as innocent friendships between 2 people that gradually blossom into more if there's no line drawn at some point in the friendship. And yes I'd find it odd if some woman from my H's job was sending him "Good Morning" texts. I know I would never be sending someone elses H those kind of texts cause it's just not appropriate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think there are many people who get married young who don't cheat on their spouses.  It depends on the individual.  I think at times all or most people might wonder what they are missing, but not everyone acts on it.  I do think it's very easy to go from texting or talking that starts out innocently and then ends up in an affair, even if that's not what the person is planning in the beginning.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

I am of the thought that making friends is not wrong.  Not all friends will be shared.  It does seem there is something more going on here.  Why the snooping?  I myself have lots of friends who are women.  I won't give them up.  Some call me late and I will answer if I want to.  Of course I do make it very clear that this is the case and it is non-negotiable. 

  IMO people set themselves up for unhappiness.  They say what in retrospect are foolish sayings.  At the initial time it seems like a good idea then causes problems. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011

Hi - I don't usually see this board as I am in the post-affair camp on Ending your affair and after your affair ( my own, which lasted 12 years - 6 years emotional and 6 years physical). but, since it got top billing on the Ivillage home page i saw it. i don;t have time to read the comments I can only say, that you should know that MOST affairs that become physical, start as  an emotional affair, often through the innocent texts or messages. They never start out to hurt anyone or move towards love for anyone, or even become physical, but they happen and quickly become addictive. The addiction is as powerful as any drug and usually you don't even know that is happening to you. You just can't wait for that next :"hit" of contact and everything in your real life seems like an interference, and you snap at your family. Regardless of the whys, consider for you and your H that it is happening- that something is happening to him to make him a bit deceitful, and he is hiding behind anger to hopefully put you off the trail. Think of him as you would a gambler or a drinker and it's a bit easier to see how to help. if  you consider yourself in competition with another woman, it will be harder for you. it's almost never about that.

Affairs at whatever stage are VERY hard to stop, and a supportive partner is one thing that many say makes the difference. if you keep hitting a roadblock with him, find a good marriage counselor and insist ono it. Don't say we are going because of these texts, broaden it out a bit to feeling hurt and worried that you are losing each other. Also, read - there are lots of books on affairs that explain the whys, and how to get through  them.

Good luck, be strong!

Daisy

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

A wise person never falls into the trap of giving up friendships.

chaika

Pages