Is it too late?
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| Tue, 08-01-2006 - 3:40am |
My husband and I were having great relationship during we lived in Japan. I supported him very much. He did his job and I did too. But we moved to USA at july 2004. and after I delivered our child at 2005, we start fighting each other. My husband is American and I am Japanese.
My husband is working so hard and I am lonely and homesick without friends. It was lot of things happening all at once: living here and delivered a child and moving. And it was a big adjustment for me: Language and new culture.
I sometimes feel frustrated myself how much I depend on my husband. But I was confused and scared. So I sometimes complained living here which made him tired out. I respect him and adore him very much but I couldn't show him enough. I takes more time for baby than husband. He just made his new company, and he is getting more and more busy. My negative attitude pulled his legs. I coudn't show him how appriciate I am what he did for our family.
Few days ago, after the useless fight, He suddenly said to me he want to separate from me. He wants more independent person and too tired of my complains.
after that, I try really hard get involved this world and now I feel more confident and I can take care of by myself a lot. But He still feel separate with me. Useless fight tired him out very much.
Now I think I can prove him I can do anything for him. How weak I was. I shouldn't be sad. and How stupid I am treat him like that. I'm sorry I couldn't explain very well in English, But I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him.

You can't make him do anything....if he wants a separation he will separate.
Don't know if it is too late. Tell him that you are sorry and that this was all just a difficult adjustment period for both of you and that you really want to work on the marriage and be a strong, healthy family.
Then start showing him that you love him with your daily words and actions. Tell him when you appreciate what he does, tell him you are proud of him, and that you are thankful to be with him. It may be hard at first given that you are not close right now, but push yourself to do it. However, in the end it has to be genuine, or you will not be able to sustain it.
You may also consider couples counseling.
Saving the marriage is a two way street. If you do your part and he does not change his mind then your energy will be better focused on working toward creating a great life for yourself after divorce, and creating an effective co-parenting relationship for the sake of your child.
Best of luck, P.
The most important thing in this is you and your new baby. I too am very dependant in my relationship. You love your husband very much, thats a beautiful thing, the only way you can be truly happy together is if you make yourself strong enough so that you can live without him. I believe that you can.
There is an excellent book called: co dependant no more. It would really help you and put things in perspective. Good luck with everything.
Welcome to the board, Luice ~ I think you described your situation very well too, and I think your English is very good too, you were easy to understand.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's perfectly understandable that you'd have a hard time adjusting, each issue that you described is very difficult to get through on its own, you had to deal with all of them, a new country, no family, a new baby, husband's new job -- that's too much for anyone. It also sounds like your husband could have and should have been more understanding to the struggle you were going through; I hope you were telling him that you were having difficulty dealing with the change in culture, lack of family and everything you were familiar with. New babies make an incredible impact, it's amazing how much time and energy they take. Until you've experienced it you can't know what it is like, the amount of work it will be, how physically and emotionally exhausting it is. It sounds like through this time you didn't have much help from your husband and were left to deal with the baby on your own. That's not easy. Your husband need to focus on his new job is understandable, but couldn't have come at a worse time. You needed him more, not less! It sounds like between the two of you, the stress of what you were each dealing with took its toll.
I'm hoping that your husband has been able to take a more rational look at the situation now that the heat of the moment during your argument has passed. I hope he'll be able to see the difficulties you've been dealing with and how his being stressed and needing to put attention to his work made this situation what it became.
If I were you I wouldn't discount my feelings and needs, I wouldn't say this is my fault, I'm being silly, because your feelings aren't silly, your needs are understandable and reasonable. His are too, but there needs to be some balance, some understanding, some help. I hope he'll be willing to see a marriage counselor to help your marriage get the help it needs to get through this and to gain understanding and agreements that will help your relationship be stronger and better.
What are your thoughts, Luice?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"