Is It Wrong For Husband to look at Porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Is It Wrong For Husband to look at Porn
6
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 6:05pm
My husband looks at porn when I'm not around. It bothers me... should I be as upset as I am? Does it mean I'm not enough? Or he wants something different.. or that he's bored with me? I'm so confused. I've asked him not to look at it and he says I should stay out of his business and its not that big of a deal. That he just wants to look at other naked women cuz its a guy thing. It hurts. I know I can't compare to the way those girls look. I look NOTHING like that. I've had two kids, stretch marks, and all that crap. He hardly has sex with me anymore, and I feel like when he does its because he's been looking at porn. Is it wrong for him to look at porn? Help. We've been having a rough time lately, he doesn't know whether he wants to be married or not... I'm sure you can go back and read the posts. But I can't shake this. I know this should be the least of my worries right now, but I feel like he wants something else.. or that this will just lead to him cheating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 7:54pm
Should you be upset? I think you have to go by your true feeling on this one. If it bothers you and he knows it, he shouldn't do it.

What do you mean that he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore? Is he looking at this porn in a way to hurt or control you? Men are so "Visual" and they can really turned on just by looking at someone. Most women want to know more about WHO they are before moving to that level.

How long have you been married to him? When did he start watching porn?

We can't make anyone love us and he shouldn't have to either.

Thinking of you, Shelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:31pm
Sammy,

I went back to last week and read your other posts.

How did the councelling go?

I also think that you should take the advise given before by not reacting to his cruel actions. I think you are adding fuel to his fire when you get upset. He knows or expects you to act one way and acting the opposite will through him off. Have you read The Dance of Anger? When one person adjusts their behavior the other one has to to stay in synque or the dance will end.

Surprise him by taking care of YOURSELF for a change and not worring about what he is up to.

HUGS, Shelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 12:31am
No, you shouldn't be upset or insecure. It has NOTHING to do with you or his feelings for you. You could look like Pam Anderson and he'd still want to look at it. Unless his viewing interferes with your relatioinship in some significant way, simiply accept his interest in porn as part of his "maleness" and let it go...or better yet, watch it with him and use it to spark up your own sex life.

Mac

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 1:30am
I haven't read your previous posts, but from what I read in yours and in Gardnermom's replies (thanks for them, Gardner!) it sounds like your problems go much deeper than your husband's porn viewing. I gather you're in counseling - good for you! That's the place this and your other issues should be worked on. Your therapist has an understanding of the whole picture and is qualified to give you competent help, we do not have the whole picture or the qualifications -- and if we had the qualifications, we certainly wouldn't be advising on a message board!

IMHO, I agree with Mac. Viewing is about fantasy and is not a reflection on how you look, or how you compare to the air-brushed, silicone-implanted models. You have the right to not want porn in your life. Your husband also has the right to WANT porn in his life. You don't have the right to insist he give it up anymore than he has the right to insist you accept it. If the issue is that important to you - and to him - it means you have moral differences, and those kinds of core differences are difficult to overcome.

For what it's worth, I have a friend who doesn't her husband's computer porn-viewing. She asked him not to view it when she's around and of course, he honors her request. He views in privacy, she doesn't have to see it; everybody wins. For the sheer viewing factor, that may work for you. However, since you've expressed self-esteem problems, an agreement like my friend has may not be enough for you to resolve this aspect of your difficulties.

Good luck.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 12:42pm
Counseling is going I suppose. The paxil is making me sick and not eat, which is good I supose because that is making me loose weight, so I don't know. They tell me to stick with it. My counselor tells me that we can work this out and this is a phase blah, blah, blah.... my husband isn't supportive. He says its great that I am trying to get help with my problems and calm down and stop being so overbearing and jealous. He still says though that he doesn't know if he wants this to work out. Or even if it can. He said sometimes its too late. I said its never too late if you love the person. He didn't agree. I told him I was doing this counseling thing mainly for the sake of us and I wanted him to come later on maybe if he felt like it. He said he might that he didn't know. Its been almost two weeks now since this first started. He says that we were making progress but we aren't now. Not after I got mad the night he said he would be home at a certain time and he wasn't home. I knew I shouldn't have blown up like that but I know I'm not completely at fault here.

I don't know what to do. Right now... everything is so messed up. He doesn't want to be around me. He won't touch me. He hates to be around me. And he won't tell me he loves me unless I say it first even then its a quick love ya... I asked him why didn't he want to say he loves me. He says he forgets. Then, I said you just don't go one day from saying it to never saying it and just "forget". He said it makes him feel uncomfortable like he's giving me false hope. He just won't let things flow. Its like he's holding back all the good things. Like he's scared. This porn thing drives me nuts. I keep thinking he wants those girls and not me. Like I need to look like that. Or be like that. Is that the case? i hope not....


anyway, thanks for answering me. I feel like at least someone out there is listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 11:55pm
Many medications do take some getting used to, Paxil does have side effects and is on that list. If your doctor is telling you to continue taking them, most likely you haven't been on them long enough for the symptoms to ease. Ask how long you can expect to feel their effects and if you're concerned, get a second opinion.

If your husband says he doesn't want to "get your hopes up" and "sometimes it's too late", it sounds like he's half out the door. Your feeling that he doesn't want to be around you may be correct, sounds like he isn't sure what he wants.

I know you're confused and hurting and I know you want things to go back to the way they used to be (or maybe the way you always thought they could be) but you don't have control of this. You can only do so much, the other half has to be done by him. If he's not willing to do it, if he doesn't want to do it, it won't work. It really is great that you're in counseling (I'm not clear on whether you've been in counseling for two weeks or the two weeks was in reference to something else), but you need to know counseling takes time. You may have begun going for your relationship, keep going FOR YOU.

As for your porn question - reread my first post, I told you what I thought about that there.

Keep the focus on you Sammy, you can't change him -- you can only work on you and you've got some understandings to reach and some healing to do. Keep at it, with or without him, you're worth it.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"