I've been married for almost 20 years.
Welcome back, Ajayceegirl ~
I remember your previous post about your husband's emotional state:
Basically your DH is emotionally blackmailing you - it just happens that he's using sex where someone else could use something else to do it.
Oh my goodness, no wonder you hate sex.
I would also add that it is no wonder you had an emotional affair, you are not getting any of your emotional needs met at home.
Yes, he wonders all the time WHY I had an affair.
Don't be sure that you would get less in support (alimony) because you cheated on him once.
It seems to me he's not the only one who has something to hold over one's head.
When you say you just want him to "knock it off" I think you're looking at this behavior as something he chooses to do. What you really don't like is his personality. Sure you like him sometimes - If he was always abusive to you, 24-7, you'd be gone by now, wouldn't you? But the person he is after you have sex... Well, that isn't the person he IS.
So he can't just "knock it off" because "this BS" is who he is. Everyone can temporarily act like a different person, but I don't think you're willing to accept that the behavior you hate is not possible to extract. It's ingrained in him and no amount of logic or self-awareness will make him automatically change. He doesn't really want to change, and as long as that is the case, he won't.