Its all perfect except........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Its all perfect except........
10
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 8:45pm

My husband and I have been married for two years going on three but have been together for five. He treats me awesome. He is a true gentlemen. This is his second marriage and my third. I'm 45 and He is 48. Our Children are grown and we have one Grandchild. The problem is in the bedroom. I feel like He is in his seventees instead of 48! I have to ask Him if we can have date night and he agrees and then it's nothing. We are lucky if we have sex three times a month. It was great when we were dating. He lived 2000 miles away. As soon as we moved in, it went seriously down hill. I'm really lost on what to do because I'm starting to have fantasy's about other men and having that WOW moment that I am not getting at home. I could never hurt him like that but I'm scared because I'm a sexual women and am longing for the intimacy and attention and I'm not getting it at all. I've tried talking to Him over and over about it and He tells me that only makes Him not even want it more! I don't know what to do.

Tawna
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 1:07am

There's a big difference between long distance and meeting once a month or how ever much you met......of course it's sex, sex, sex, because it'll be a dry spell till the next time.  Once you're living together, hey, there's always tomorrow, or next week.  You mentioned in another post that you caught him masturbating....men masturbate, even if they're having sex frequently.  It's nothing more than an easy way to "get off" without having to please the other person.  It has NOTHING to do with you, and whether or not he's attracted to you.  Also, this isn't something to discuss at the dinner table! 

So you ordered him to shower and get in the bedroom.......and he complied, and it was fine.  That's good, but you're going to get sick of ordering him around, too.  Some men are just not that interested in pleasing their partner.....maybe that's it.  You need to sit him down in the living room, and tell him how you feel, and tell him you're not going to be the only one to initiate sex.......it has to be from him sometimes too.  If nothing works, then you should see a couples therapist to see what his problem really is......He should also have a good physical, including checking hormone levels.......some men need HRT.  Good Luck to you!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 11:30am

cherakee68 wrote:
What are your other thoughts. I think I know what you are going to say. Last night went like this - He is was in the kitchen and I had come out from the shower. I went into the kitchen and said I want sex and I want it now. Go jump in the shower and come to bed where I will be waiting. You will please me tonight because your not going to last long and I've been waiting for ever. He said "Do I have time to shave?" I said "Nope!" And he did exactly as I had said...I have never done that before but I have to say...it felt pretty good commanding it and having it happen lol. I told him after if you would like tomorrow to be about you then I'm more then happy to make that happen.

I'm glad to hear this.  It looks like you've found a key to one of his locks.  Perhaps being assertive is what unlocks his lib!do.

well done, my dear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 11:49pm

Dear Cherokee I agree with 2nd_ Life as to how you should approach the situation. It is never good to make a man feel like he is being demanded nor its all his fault. Just keep it about your feelings and as said see how he responds. His sex drive may be lower then yours or its just not as important to him. Please don't step out of what is otherwise a good marriage for a hot good time. State your feelings and then go about doing things that make you happy and enjoy the good in your marriage. Sometimes when the pressure is off they measure up. Wishing you well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 10:51am
What are your other thoughts. I think I know what you are going to say. Last night went like this - He is was in the kitchen and I had come out from the shower. I went into the kitchen and said I want sex and I want it now. Go jump in the shower and come to bed where I will be waiting. You will please me tonight because your not going to last long and I've been waiting for ever. He said "Do I have time to shave?" I said "Nope!" And he did exactly as I had said...I have never done that before but I have to say...it felt pretty good commanding it and having it happen lol. I told him after if you would like tomorrow to be about you then I'm more then happy to make that happen.
Tawna
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 10:06pm

I have some other thoughts but hope I'm wrong.  If your method works, I am wrong.  So keep in touch -- let us know how it goes!  Fingers crossed for you!

One other thing though - just because you tried to talk and weren't successful doesn't mean you should give up.  Without the ability to discuss problems nothing will ever be resolved in your relationship!  Talking about sex can be difficult for sure, but he'll have to pull on his big boy pants and do that if it's necessary.  Don't talk during dinner, but the car is good.  Before talking about something important though, make and "appointment" so to speak.  Tell him you have a problem you need his help with and when is a good time for him to talk about it.  That puts him in "listen and fix" mode whereas jumping in about it "out of the blue" leaves him feeling defensive.  

Sorry for blabbering on.  Let us know down the road how your current plan is working.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 7:44pm

My husband would fly here and I there Once and sometimes twice a month for a week each time. I will say He is a really good man. He opens the door for me still, holds my hand in public. Has no problem telling me He loves me when others are around. In the bedroom though it's different. I do have a nagging feeling that there is something He is not telling me about his past. I've asked Him a few times and He says nothing but I don't know. I just long for the attention. I've never had a problem with that kind of attention before and even though I have about thirty pounds to lose which I am working on, I still have men from my past who tell me they want to see me and want to be with me. I know that I don't want to lose my husband. He treats me and my Children and Grandchild like gold. I messaged him today on his cell phone and told Him I wanted to run my hands all over Him and then my tongue. He text back he wanted to do the same...lol..although He didn't come up with something on his own..at least he said he wanted to do something! So then I went out in the garage tonight and said I am making an appointment with you tonight..if I don't get to have my husband tonight..I will go into my toy box because I'm more then over the top in need of sex! He smiled and said he was mine tonight. So if I have to initiate it for awhile..then that's what I will do and then go from there. I am working hard on dropping the weight and feeling better about myself. Hopefully that will be enough to get his loins reving..if not..well I will go from there! Thank you all for the support..it's great to know that there is others out there to talk to!

Tawna
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 6:23pm

From your first post, I was going to suggest that you visit the Mismatched Libidos board. After seeing your second post about finding him masturbating in the garage it doesn't seem like just a difference in libidos, but they still might have some advice for you.

You didn't say how often you were together/had sex when you lived 2000 miles apart but probably infrequently? Is it possible that 2-3 times a month is all the interest in partnered sex that he can muster up? And I realize how hurtful it must be to feel rejected then see him pleasuring himself, but know that him being able to masturbate doesn't mean that he is disgusted by you, it could just mean that whatever stimulates him during that act is different than being with a live partner with her own desires.

I agree with the poster who said to insist that he see a medical doctor and a therapist, and I would add couples therapy for both of you so your feelings can be aired in a safe place and he has to give an answer better than "I'll try harder" (whatever that means in this situation).

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 12:12pm

cherakee68 wrote:
<p>My husband and I have been married for two years going on three but have been together for five. He treats me awesome. He is a true gentlemen. This is his second marriage and my third. I'm 45 and He is 48. Our Children are grown and we have one Grandchild. The problem is in the bedroom. I feel like He is in his seventees instead of 48! I have to ask Him if we can have date night and he agrees and then it's nothing. We are lucky if we have sex three times a month. It was great when we were dating. He lived 2000 miles away. As soon as we moved in, it went seriously down hill. I'm really lost on what to do because I'm starting to have fantasy's about other men and having that WOW moment that I am not getting at home. I could never hurt him like that but I'm scared because I'm a sexual women and am longing for the intimacy and attention and I'm not getting it at all. I've tried talking to Him over and over about it and He tells me that only makes Him not even want it more! I don't know what to do.</p>

Quote:
I did try and talk to him once while we were in the bedroom and that didn't work so good. I've since tried talking to him in the car or when we are eating dinner. He always says He will work at it harder and doesn't. I at one time thought that it was a medical issue. I do know He has a lot of stress being self employed. The other factor is that when I told myself it wasn't me, I went out to the garage and caught him in the middle of something. He was extremely embarressed and I was devistated. I had told myself for so long it wasn't me and then I see that. It crushed me because everything came crashing down and I felt even more like I discussed him. He swore it wasn't that but I don't know how else I'm suppose to feel. I often end up quitly crying in bed while he is sleeping. I know no man is perfect nore is any women but I do think intimacy is a huge part of any relationship.

In the 2 1/2 years between when you began dating and moving in together, what was the sex like?  What was his attitude about sex and intimacy back then?  What were his job stresses back then?  What about having sex with you now is his issue as compared to before--other than you two sharing an abode? What was the reason for his first divorce?

Quite frankly, if I was you, I would sit him down and tell him that his obvious lack of interest, his obvious disgust with intimacy with you and him getting off in the garage in spite of you are very bottom line issues for you that cannot stand and that you will not spend the rest of your life with someone who esteems you the way he does.  Give him a time frame for how long you are prepared to wait for him to address this very serious issue with consistency---meaning: he goes to the doctor and follows through on their recommendations; he goes to a marriage therapist and follows through on their recommendations;  he does whatever it takes to nip this mess in the bud--and if he does not meet that time frame, then you be about the business of divorcing him and finding a man who will consistently be the man you require.  If it is not your intention to make good on this, then do not give him the time frame: find a way to be content with what you have until he dies.

He sounds like he did a bait and switch on you and now expects for you to be his sister/roommate or something, when marriage is not about that.  Him handling his business in the garage is really unacceptable when at the same time, he is rebuffing you and casting you away.  It'd be different if you two were at it on a consistent basis and you were dealing with a health issue that precluded you from engaging in sex with him.  He is starving you of affection which a spouse is supposed to get from their spouse. 

I don't think an affair is the answer... too much of a messy situation and it invites too much complication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 9:40am

I did try and talk to him once while we were in the bedroom and that didn't work so good. I've since tried talking to him in the car or when we are eating dinner. He always says He will work at it harder and doesn't. I at one time thought that it was a medical issue. I do know He has a lot of stress being self employed. The other factor is that when I told myself it wasn't me, I went out to the garage and caught him in the middle of something. He was extremely embarressed and I was devistated. I had told myself for so long it wasn't me and then I see that. It crushed me because everything came crashing down and I felt even more like I discussed him. He swore it wasn't that but I don't know how else I'm suppose to feel. I often end up quitly crying in bed while he is sleeping. I know no man is perfect nore is any women but I do think intimacy is a huge part of any relationship.

Tawna
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 12:26am

Hi Cherokee68 -

First talking about a sexual problem should never happen in the bedroom and should never happen right before or after having sex (or during, of course).

My approach would be this:  "Honey, I'm concerned with our relationship.  I'm not happy with our sex life and if it doesn't change I think eventually it'll destroy our relationship. I've tried to talk to you about it but you don't want to talk.  I want to fix it and I want to work in it, but I can't do it alone.  I've tried to tell you I'm unhappy about it, but it doesn't change anything.  I'm concerned and I don't know what else I can do."  Then I would say nothing and let him either respond or not.  It may take a day or two for him to come back with a response.  Hopefully it won't be that long.  Hopefully he'll come back with a response at all.  I caution you against saying anything that isn't true.  Don't say you'll leave if you won't, but do tell him you don't see yourself accepting life with minimal sex in the long term if you feel that's accurate.  Telling him straight up where you are and what your concerns are leaves this in his court to respond to. 

I hate to say it, but your clue was that things changed when you moved in together.  What you saw then was reality, not the heat of a long distance relationship getting together after a period apart, not a guy who's trying to impress and maintain his girlfriend.  The distance is no longer a factor and the fact that you've moved in together tells him he no longer has to work to impress you.  Enter reality.

I suspect his interest in sex is just plain not very high.  It's very possible there could be a medical reason, but that won't be learned unless he's willing to go to his doctor and talk about it.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_