It's my turn -- any advice or thoughts?
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It's my turn -- any advice or thoughts?
| Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:34pm |
In my marriage, I have always been the primary breadwinner.
| Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:34pm |
In my marriage, I have always been the primary breadwinner.
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It sounds like the first
You know, the more I'm thinking about this, the more it's becoming clear that in some ways I'm resentful of the fact that he can so easily spend money without thinking about it.
>>>How do I end
Couple of impression from male perspective.
1) If he is following you from room to room apologizing he is geniunely sorry. The fact that this did not cause your anger to subside, as it usually does, got him scared to the point where he decided that he was probably only making it worse and in any event not making it better so he went fishing (withdrew). For most men going from room to room apologizing goes against just about every "male" bone in their body.
2) He probably did show off a bit with his friends. He is a little like a teenager who as a party when his parents go out of town, or some college freshmen their first year away....they become a little intoxicated that they have power they never had before. So he messed up, he knows it, and admits it. So I would say, try to let this go, and try to focus on how to get a future plan that works for both of you. The truth is that it is really all good here. He is making more money than he used to and that is good for everyone. He has more money to contribute to the family, and maybe even a little more side money to finance his boy games if he can keep it going. If you put it in the context of wow, it is great that you have been able to make more money working and now that it is so much more we should jointly decide how best to allocate this. The same as if you suddenly got money from somewhere else (like say an inheritance). Positioning it like this, his ego is stroked a bit, and given his remorse I bet he will do the right thing. You will get a solution that feels more fair and benefits the family.
Sounds like you guys are both committed to working through issues, and I believe he is genuinely wants to solve this, so this one should be solvable.
Best of luck, P.
Oh Jennie, you just touched a couple nerves! :)
P,
"The fact that this did not cause your anger to subside, as it usually does, got him scared to the point where he decided that he was probably only making it worse and in any event not making it better so he went fishing (withdrew). "
I think you're right on the money there.
I think you've been given some really good thoughts and suggestions so far.
I agree that since you guys have a great track record of dealing with problems in a positive way this one should be resolvable too. Maybe something that's never come up before is a limit of how much of his extra job income is spendable? If so, it looks like this is a good time to agree on a spending limit for that. I'm assuming that the $50 limit on spending without talking to each other about it doesn't apply to his extra income, if that's true, he didn't really violate any rules, rather, the issue of the amount of "spendable extra" has never come up before. It's easy for money to run through your fingers when you're not paying attention, did he realize how much he'd spent? If not, was he horrified/surprised to find out how much he'd actually gone through?
I understand how you feel about spending for yourself (or rather, not spending), versus a spouse who's happy to spend any chance he gets. My ex was like that too. In a way, it's a matter of a difference in personalities, where you're wanting him to be the same as you on the issue, but in many instances, it's more of an irresponsibility factor.
Depending on your discussion and resolutions, you might consider opening a second checking account for him to use, funneling money that he can "play with" there; when it's gone, it's gone (this would work if he pays enough attention not to end up with overdraft charges), or perhaps a pre-loaded Visa or Mastercard, he can use it anywhere but when the amount is gone, it's gone. I agree that being responsible for his own money is preferable, but if he knows himself well enough to know he can't count on himself to handle it properly, him readily agreeing to one of those methods is a proactive response, IMO. Knowing your own weaknesses and dealing with them in a way that keeps you out of trouble is a smart thing.
I also agree that it's likely he ran off fishing because he was unsure how to handle your continued anger.
Have you talked? What's the update?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Yes, he was very surprised and horrified by the amount.
I don't have tons to offer in the way of advice. But I do have one observation. If you have an agreement that you don't ahve to consult each other for purchases up to $50, maybe you should limit that amount also. Say, $50 purchase, no more than $100 a week. He could have figured that since it was all under the $50 amount, it was okay. I don't know. And I would definitely get him more involved in the finances. It sounds like he almost has a "the $$ is magically there" mentality. I know with my H, when he would eat out for lunch at work, he just never realized how much he spent. I would go through and tally all the eating out $$ (which we don't do as a family often at all and he even started doing for breakfasts...) and if I asked him he'd say he spent 1/3 less a month than he actually had. Because he didn't go back and check and it was so routine he'd forget about it. So some of that could be that too.
Good luck!
Jen
**He could have figured that since it was all under the $50 amount, it was okay.
That's a really good point -- if he wasn't spending more than $50 in one purchase, he probably didn't twig to the fact.
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