I've turned into a b****, and I hate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
I've turned into a b****, and I hate it!
3
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:03pm
Hi everyone...here is my situation, and I welcome any thoughts or advice that anyone might have! I just moved to the west coast from the east coast to be with my fiance. We had a long distance relationship for a year and a half, and things were great. Now, however, I have turned into one of those women who is always complaining and always angry about something. I have never been this way before, and I hate it afterwards, but its like there is something nasty inside me and it comes out before I can stop it. I have undergone a lot of stress over the past couple months (leaving all my friends and family, having to look for a new job, not having my own car yet, not being able to naturally make friends easily) and now I have the craziest mood swings. Overall, I am angry and in a bad mood most of the time with brief periods of feeling okay. My fiance says that its starting to affect the relationship in a negative way, but I don't know how to stop feeling like this! Has anyone else ever experienced this? How can I break this cycle?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:40pm
I am currently going through this same thing and my bf wants to know if I want to break up with him, which I dont! I love him more than anything but have been really stressed lately and feel like he is the only one that will listen therefore I am taking it out on him. We currently live with his sister and her two teenagers and it has been hell. We originally moved in with her cause she just bought a new home and did not realize how expensive it was going to be. Well, she has made it perfectly clear that this is HER HOUSE and if I didnt like it, leave. Her daughter steals my clothers and jewelry and her son calls me bad names. We are suppose to move out June 1st and cant wait! I really dont have any advise, just wanted you to know you are not alone!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 6:50pm
I went through the same thing when I moved to be with my fiance. Stay in touch with your closest friends and family from the east coast -- they will help you get through this rough period of adjustment. Get involved doing something -- take a class at your local community college (art, sports, music, anything you're interested in; most colleges will have classes at night or on weekends), join a local gym, volunteer somewhere, and I really recommend you join a yoga class -- it's a great stress release! Once you get involved in an activity, it's only a matter of time until you meet people with similar interests who you can hang out with and be friends with.

You may not be thrilled with the move, you may not be thrilled with the new city you find yourself in, you may not even like the people in the area -- but get out there, get involved, make some new friends! Find a quiet park or cafe where you can go when you need to think or get away from it all, go window shopping, explore the area, try some different restaraunts, take a walk around your neighborhood -- all this will help you feel more at home. Just because you don't have a car doesn't mean you're stuck bumming rides off people -- take the bus! Bring a cd player and a book with you to make the time go by.

Also, try not to become too dependent on your fiance for companionship and entertainment, this can really kill a relationship! Above all, don't spend too much time moping and feeling home sick (this was my mistake!). Just take a deep breath, and go out and seize the day. If you're having a hard time finding a job, consider finding a part-time job to help you pass the time (and increase your sense of self-worth!) until you can find something else.

Give yourself time to adjust, but also consider the fact relationships are often different in person from what they are over email or the phone. Also, if you and your fiance are living together for the first time, you might be feeling suffocated, or are having a hard time adjusting to living with another person (which is difficult to do anyway). Maybe these aren't even issues for you. There's a number of possible reasons for why you're feeling the way you are. Without knowing more about your situation, the best advice I can give is: Get involved in some activities! (hmm, how often have I said that in this message? lol)

Good luck to you!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 7:01pm
LEt's see...you left your entire life, security, successful accomlishments and support network on the other coast....what could be your dilemma! Duh.....

If you moved out there to "be with him" - you made a grevious error. IF you moved out there because he is there and you want to be with him and are taking a repsonsible, pro-active and intelligent plan of actions and decisions in order to re-create the great life you had before.....well, you're a little overtaxed.

But a relationship isn't "everything" and if you make it your everything it is bound to fail.

You didn't say whether you'd cohabitated before. But if you hadn't - there's an aspect of cohabitation rarely verbalized that is greatly in play. Prior to living together - this person's every word, thought, decision, idea, desire, goal, value, and standard did NOT affect your today, your potential, and you future for eternity perhaps. Once you're cohabitational - it does impact your potential, your today, and your future for eternity if the relationship lasts that long.

Cohabitational relationships require compromise at all times, and concession on occasion. There's three entities in play...there's you - the individual, him - the individual, adn the relationship as an entity. Ech of you must remain the great individual you are per your own efforts, means, definitions, and standards...while maintaining the goals and priority on "the relationship" as an entity for the intangible enhancement it brings to your life.

So, the reality is that you've moved and it's your responsibility to recreate the great life you had - there on that coast, with him as an equal partner. Not as a provider, and not as a scapegoat or whipping post.

Erin

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