Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!
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Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!
| Fri, 11-24-2006 - 11:08am |
I have always been jealous of girls in my significant others' life...ever since I was starting to date at 16. My current relationship isn't any different (now I am 28)....except that the only friends and family he DOES have are all GIRLS. When I started to date him, he was dating a few other girls, and even after we were serious, he kept trying to make new girl buddies and lie about who he was hanging out with. I have never and never will be the sort of girl who likes my bf to have a lot of girl buddies. My bf now would be friends with any girl he says hi to. No, I don't like it. He doesn't go out and make guy friends...just girls, so it bothers me!!! He is always talking to his girl cousins, texting them, and sharing constant I love you's with them. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it seriously bothers me. I don't have self-esteem issues, and I am not insecure. But there is definitely something else wrong. I don't feel I am completely out of line with how I feel, but I know I shouldn't be so harsh towards him because he is always talking to his girl family members. HE NEVER talks to guys. I can't believe I am jealous of him being super close to his girl family members, but i am. Sometimes I snap at him and ask why he texts his cousin so much, and I think he is starting to resent me. I feel like I am trying to control him, but I also don't trust him, so I think that is a huge issue..but family?? What is my problem..? I have always been this way, but it's getting worse since he has ALL GIRLS in his life, and I don't like it. :(

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you write: "
Ok, so now you know
1.
Orangecuse44 wrote: "
<<<<For every thing he did to me, I reacted. I would never have reacted in such destructive ways if I never found out he was...... >>>>
Yeah and how frightening is this logic.....how many abusers talk like this....."she made me beat her."
The truth is that you have both crossed a lot of respect, consideration, privacy, and betrayal. You may have found yourself in a situation where you began reacting inappropriately and dysfunctionally because of his actions, and no, you're not expected to sit back and allow him to do whatever he wants while you just take it. But, sitting back and taking it is no more appropriate than reacting back by behaving in an equally inappropriate, dysfunctional, unhealthy manner. "Paybacks" and the like have no place in any relationship. They lead to further destruction, of the relationship and of self. Getting him back only makes you as wrong and as ugly as him. The correct response to this very dysfunctional situation you've described is to remove yourself from it.
If you can't afford to live on your own, look for a roommate. If yours is a college town, check the campus bulletin boards. Many cities have roommate finder organizations not associated with colleges. Check the papers, check for studio and basement apartments, check for people who are looking for housesitters -- it's the right time of year. See if you can't crash with a friend until you can get on your feet. Ask your parents or a friend or relative to float you a loan to help you with first, last and deposit. Get creative, think side the box, there are options. They may not be ideal or what you'd like them to be, but there are options and anything that gets you out of this will be a positive move, getting out the door is the first step, where you land is temporary. Staying should not be an option. Check for a woman's shelter if you need to.
Are you working? Do you have health insurance? If so, it almost certainly covers therapy. Have you checked in with local therapists to find out what your cost would be after insurance? Have you found out which therapist charge on a sliding scale, which allow billing? Does your employer have an EAP program? Have you checked with city, county or state public health to inquire about low cost counseling? There are lots of options and lots of areas to look into; until you look you don't know what's there. Therapy isn't an option for you any more than medical care would be if you had an ongoing and problematic condition. This situation isn't a place you can stay and you need some help to work on your self esteem as well as to get straight on your thinking in terms of what living in a dysfunctional relationship has done to you and to relearn what is appropriate and healthy in a relationship.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
OK, so there is a whole can 'o' worms underneath your original post. You didn't explain how inappropriate a lot of his contact with other women and female family members was. You sure have explained it a whole lot better now.
The biggest question in my mind is why are you staying?
Money can't be a real issue. You can find roommates or slot into an existing household of roommates, even a boarder situation with a family perhaps? You're a student, yeah? Isn't there a campus accommodation service or something? There is ALWAYS a way out.
So WHY are you staying? Clearly he is a strange and dysfunctional type of guy. Why on earth aren't you out there investigating options? You're just sitting back and letting off steam at the moment. You just don't seem serious about leaving and just play the martyr.
We do not PHYSICALLY abuse each other. Yes, I feel that my emotions have been on edge for so long that I probably would have gone crazy if it wasn't for my family (mom) and friends I have to help me. I HAVE checked into therapy... I will most likely go. I HAVE to justify my own actions. That is the kind of person I am. :) If I do not justify my actions, nobody will know my side...only the story. People always say that if you accuse someone of something, and they get angry and try to defend themself too much, it means they are guilty. I will defend defend defend if I am accused of something, and I will say that it in no way signifies guilt. One thing I don't do is lie. I don't cheat. I don't want to be looked at as a bad person. I haven't LIED to anyone about my life. This has been one year in the works. I am not trying to make MYSELF look better. Yes, I have snooped around, but it has always been to find something that I have been TOLD was there. I found it every single time. Anyways, I already graduated college, and my dream is to move to CO and start over. I just want to be happy :)
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