Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!
26
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 11:08am
I have always been jealous of girls in my significant others' life...ever since I was starting to date at 16. My current relationship isn't any different (now I am 28)....except that the only friends and family he DOES have are all GIRLS. When I started to date him, he was dating a few other girls, and even after we were serious, he kept trying to make new girl buddies and lie about who he was hanging out with. I have never and never will be the sort of girl who likes my bf to have a lot of girl buddies. My bf now would be friends with any girl he says hi to. No, I don't like it. He doesn't go out and make guy friends...just girls, so it bothers me!!! He is always talking to his girl cousins, texting them, and sharing constant I love you's with them. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it seriously bothers me. I don't have self-esteem issues, and I am not insecure. But there is definitely something else wrong. I don't feel I am completely out of line with how I feel, but I know I shouldn't be so harsh towards him because he is always talking to his girl family members. HE NEVER talks to guys. I can't believe I am jealous of him being super close to his girl family members, but i am. Sometimes I snap at him and ask why he texts his cousin so much, and I think he is starting to resent me. I feel like I am trying to control him, but I also don't trust him, so I think that is a huge issue..but family?? What is my problem..? I have always been this way, but it's getting worse since he has ALL GIRLS in his life, and I don't like it. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:18am

you write: "

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 12:50pm
Sorry, you got me wrong. I meant that I would never lie or cheat on my SO...that's it. When someone plays the game with me, I won't sit back and tolerate it. I didn't invade HIS privacy, he INVADED MINE. He hacked into all my accounts and was reading my emails daily..without my knowledge..until he couldn't take it anymore and told me to stop trash talking him...when all I was doing was telling people THE TRUTH and saying I was unhappy. Secondly, he left his email open to a very specific email to HIS EX GF...and yes, I read it, and NO I WAS NOT INVADING HIS PRIVACY. In this email, he was trying to tell her how to cover up her error in trashing me on her webpage...period. So while someone is lying, cheating, talking to his ex when he promised not too, flying girls ten years younger than him to stay with US, yeah, I don't play nice. I won't sit back and let people destroy me. I never said two wrongs DO make a right, but let me tell you....you have made a huge error in telling me I betrayed my bf. Now that is one thing I will not let anyone try to tell me. I have enough of my bf twisting everything to make it sound like it's all my fault, when in reality...my only fault is putting up with this bs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:27pm

Ok, so now you know


1.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 5:19pm
For every action, there is a reaction. Does that make sense at all? I have a question. How have I been disloyal, inconsiderate, or invaded HIS privacy? For every thing he did to me, I reacted. I would never have reacted in such destructive ways if I never found out he was lying, cheating, and trashing me behind my own back when I lived with him as his girlfriend. ?? I told my friends who I have known for years that I was unhappy, and I sought advice from them, and that is being disloyal and crossing boundaries? I don't think so. While I would say I have a slight tendancy to be controlling, I wouldn't say it's to a destructive extent. If he does something that bothers me, such as holding his cousins hand in public for even the briefest moment, I will tell him it bothers me. Why would I let it eat me up until I resent him and his family?? When something in a realationship isn't working, communication is the key. Trust is the biggest key yes, and I can't understand how he can lose his trust in me when all I have done is reacted to what he has done. Ok..so I stay with him even after all he has done to me and that is the reason I get picked on? I can't afford therapy. I don't make enough money to survive on my own. I deal with things the best I can. I have a college degree. I just follow my heart, and my fault is loving someone who has shown me no love in return. So sue me, but please, don't try to tell me that I am just as much to blame or more so than him. I understand that by staying, I have subjected myself to whatever he is doing or has done, but in no way will I take responsibility for being disloyal, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 6:46pm

Orangecuse44 wrote: "

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:10pm

<<<<For every thing he did to me, I reacted. I would never have reacted in such destructive ways if I never found out he was...... >>>>


Yeah and how frightening is this logic.....how many abusers talk like this....."she made me beat her."

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:21pm
Funnygirl, I don't at all blame you or think you were wrong to talk to your friends about the problems you were having with your boyfriend. I think it was understandable and acceptable. However, from there you become a bit confusing in changing your answers a bit. You go from saying in one post "...and when I got home early (before him), I would snoop and FIND things that hurt me." To statements that are quite different, "I didn't invade HIS privacy, he INVADED MINE...Secondly, he left his email open to a very specific email to HIS EX GF...and yes, I read it, and NO I WAS NOT INVADING HIS PRIVACY." Changing the situation to make yourself look better isn't necessary for us. We will call you on what isn't appropriate, but we're not going to burn you at the stake. Being honest is the way to go. Your jumping back and forth and your thinking on what's appropriate in way of reacting to him illustrates your need for therapy.


The truth is that you have both crossed a lot of respect, consideration, privacy, and betrayal. You may have found yourself in a situation where you began reacting inappropriately and dysfunctionally because of his actions, and no, you're not expected to sit back and allow him to do whatever he wants while you just take it. But, sitting back and taking it is no more appropriate than reacting back by behaving in an equally inappropriate, dysfunctional, unhealthy manner. "Paybacks" and the like have no place in any relationship. They lead to further destruction, of the relationship and of self. Getting him back only makes you as wrong and as ugly as him. The correct response to this very dysfunctional situation you've described is to remove yourself from it.


If you can't afford to live on your own, look for a roommate. If yours is a college town, check the campus bulletin boards. Many cities have roommate finder organizations not associated with colleges. Check the papers, check for studio and basement apartments, check for people who are looking for housesitters -- it's the right time of year. See if you can't crash with a friend until you can get on your feet. Ask your parents or a friend or relative to float you a loan to help you with first, last and deposit. Get creative, think side the box, there are options. They may not be ideal or what you'd like them to be, but there are options and anything that gets you out of this will be a positive move, getting out the door is the first step, where you land is temporary. Staying should not be an option. Check for a woman's shelter if you need to.

Are you working? Do you have health insurance? If so, it almost certainly covers therapy. Have you checked in with local therapists to find out what your cost would be after insurance? Have you found out which therapist charge on a sliding scale, which allow billing? Does your employer have an EAP program? Have you checked with city, county or state public health to inquire about low cost counseling? There are lots of options and lots of areas to look into; until you look you don't know what's there. Therapy isn't an option for you any more than medical care would be if you had an ongoing and problematic condition. This situation isn't a place you can stay and you need some help to work on your self esteem as well as to get straight on your thinking in terms of what living in a dysfunctional relationship has done to you and to relearn what is appropriate and healthy in a relationship.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:44am

OK, so there is a whole can 'o' worms underneath your original post. You didn't explain how inappropriate a lot of his contact with other women and female family members was. You sure have explained it a whole lot better now.

The biggest question in my mind is why are you staying?

Money can't be a real issue. You can find roommates or slot into an existing household of roommates, even a boarder situation with a family perhaps? You're a student, yeah? Isn't there a campus accommodation service or something? There is ALWAYS a way out.

So WHY are you staying? Clearly he is a strange and dysfunctional type of guy. Why on earth aren't you out there investigating options? You're just sitting back and letting off steam at the moment. You just don't seem serious about leaving and just play the martyr.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 8:18am
I didn't change my story as much as you may think... :) After I got call (or several) from his ex gf, and she told me things that hurt me (even though now I find out it was all just to hurt ME) I started looking around to see if I could catch him doing what SHE said he was. Yes yes, I did invade his privacy, but for some reason, to me it's totally justifiable. Natural curiosity vs. trying to figure someone out.... I can't see too much wrong with what I did...and I would NEVER have found out some of the things if I hadn't. My bf calls it a cycle. He does something, and I do something. At least, that's how it WAS. My whole point of explaining that snooping issue on both of our ends..was to tell you that I don't anymore. I don't want to find anything, and I don't want to get hurt ..just in case. HE DOES! He has started to look for things to blame on ME...so it has done a complete turn-around on him.
We do not PHYSICALLY abuse each other. Yes, I feel that my emotions have been on edge for so long that I probably would have gone crazy if it wasn't for my family (mom) and friends I have to help me. I HAVE checked into therapy... I will most likely go. I HAVE to justify my own actions. That is the kind of person I am. :) If I do not justify my actions, nobody will know my side...only the story. People always say that if you accuse someone of something, and they get angry and try to defend themself too much, it means they are guilty. I will defend defend defend if I am accused of something, and I will say that it in no way signifies guilt. One thing I don't do is lie. I don't cheat. I don't want to be looked at as a bad person. I haven't LIED to anyone about my life. This has been one year in the works. I am not trying to make MYSELF look better. Yes, I have snooped around, but it has always been to find something that I have been TOLD was there. I found it every single time. Anyways, I already graduated college, and my dream is to move to CO and start over. I just want to be happy :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 8:27am
That is what my mother would say. I thrive on the drama, hurt, pain, etc. I moved to a place I don't know anyone. I got a decent job right out of college. I have nothing saved. The one thing I promised myself was to never fall behind again, because it took me a year to catch up. I still have past due bills that I am hanging onto. I got rear-ended by someone and they had no insurance. I have medical bills to pay for still. Ahhhh I don't make a lot. If I quit, I have nothing. I can save, but it will take TIME. I don't like Tampa, so I wouldn't want to stay! Yeah, it is my fault to have stayed, but I am not being a martyr. I work full time and the rest of the time I do spend looking for a job and at other options. Finding a job in a different town with a full time job is hard. If you have any suggestions on how to do this in a better way, please let me know. Also, when things go good in my relationship, I am so happy that I am finally happy, that it's nice. It's easy to judge others isn't it? Do you think I don't hear this all the time? It's just a lot harder to leave than I ever thought possible.