Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!
26
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 11:08am
I have always been jealous of girls in my significant others' life...ever since I was starting to date at 16. My current relationship isn't any different (now I am 28)....except that the only friends and family he DOES have are all GIRLS. When I started to date him, he was dating a few other girls, and even after we were serious, he kept trying to make new girl buddies and lie about who he was hanging out with. I have never and never will be the sort of girl who likes my bf to have a lot of girl buddies. My bf now would be friends with any girl he says hi to. No, I don't like it. He doesn't go out and make guy friends...just girls, so it bothers me!!! He is always talking to his girl cousins, texting them, and sharing constant I love you's with them. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it seriously bothers me. I don't have self-esteem issues, and I am not insecure. But there is definitely something else wrong. I don't feel I am completely out of line with how I feel, but I know I shouldn't be so harsh towards him because he is always talking to his girl family members. HE NEVER talks to guys. I can't believe I am jealous of him being super close to his girl family members, but i am. Sometimes I snap at him and ask why he texts his cousin so much, and I think he is starting to resent me. I feel like I am trying to control him, but I also don't trust him, so I think that is a huge issue..but family?? What is my problem..? I have always been this way, but it's getting worse since he has ALL GIRLS in his life, and I don't like it. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 8:38pm

I think you're so caught up in justifying yourself that you're unable to see clearly.

You know, when we are so busy justifying what we've done, it also means that we aren't hearing or observing what's going on around us. Sometimes we just have to stop and listen. Listen to what's going on around us and listen to ourselves. Listen to what you're saying and listen to what logic says. And look at what he's doing and look at what you're doing. Don't talk - observe.

And if you snoop on recommendation and keep finding stuff, you MUST question why you stay. There is absolutely NO justification for you staying in a situation that is not suitable to you.

Also, you talk of your reactions being in response to his as if this makes it OK. You know, I work in a class of 6yo olds and all day I hear "but he hit me first" or "but she snatched my pencil" or "she pulled a face at me first". Having someone else behave badly is no excuse for you to behave badly in return. I spend all day listening to excuses, excuses, excuses. Children trying to justify their own bad behaviour by blaming it on the actions of others. Because I hear it all day from 6 year olds, I have little time for an adult using the same excuses and justifications. sorry to be so blunt here, but adults must take responsibility for their own behaviour and not blame it on others.

Taking it further, it's also perfectly normal for him to be upset at your reactions to his behaviour. If he believes his behaviour is OK, then he will have no tolerance for your reactions to it. From his point of view, you're acting like a crazy woman for no good reason. In short, instead of battling his behaviour and getting upset about it, just leave. It's a far more appropriate and healthy response.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:02pm
Maybe you don't understand what I was talking about. When I said you change your story, I'm talking about what you've said here on this board. First you said you snooped and found things, then you said you didn't invade his privacy. First you said you didn't believe in therapy, then you said you'd looked into it and will most likely go. Those are the story changes I am talking about and yes, you did.


In this last post you went from saying you have to justify your actions or nobody will know your side, then you said you're not trying to make yourself look better. Sweetie, we know your side, we understand why you snooped and why you've done the things you've done, there's no need to explain further. But, the fact remains that no matter what the reason was, it was still wrong to do. You can't justify something that was wrong, you can talk yourself blue in the face, but you aren't going to convince anyone that it was right because it's not. And yes, the act of trying to convince others that what you did was right is trying to make yourself look better in their eyes. It's not necessary, but it's what you're doing. Feeling that you have to justify your actions is not healthy, it's not taking responsiblity and that's one of the first steps of being an emotionally healthy, responsible adult.


If you choose to stay in this relationship for whatever reason, you do so by your choice. You'll leave when it gets painful enough, but you'll be doing more and more damage to yourself the longer you stay; and the more damage done, the more it will take to resolve and repair that damage; you're taking healthy years from your life and replacing them with dysfunctional, unhealthy years. You won't get those back, when those years are gone, they're gone no matter how you spent them.


I would really urge you to seek that therapy you're looking into. It's what will make the difference for you. It won't be easy, but it will be life changing and, when you've successfully completed therapy and are looking back at where you came from, you'll see it as life saving as well.


Best of luck, Funnygirl ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:17pm

I just don't get you.

Maybe you mother is right? It's usually a shock to realise one day that mother was right.

So how about moving out? You don't have to quit your job or leave town. You may not like Tampa (is that where you are now?) but you don't have to do everything all at once. Do it bit by bit. Get out first. Then look for another job. Just find somewhere else to live. There have got to be people out there looking for flatmates, boarders, or roommates. Try some accommodation services. Look in the classifieds in the papers. Don't people advertise for flatmates in the newpapers in the USA?

The financial burden of moving house is not likely to be particularly large. If you DO need money have you considered a small loan from the bank? If you're in full-time work at a reasonable job then they should be happy to give you a small loan. Yes, you've got other debts and no money saved but maybe you should look at consolidating all your debts into one bank loan and get a little extra to help you move out? A bank would take you more seriously if you approach them with a sound financial plan in mind rather than just asking for a vague handout.

This relationship seems to be very broken. I don't know why you are just hanging around because it's good "sometimes". I also think that you're rationalising things too much and even if you don't think that you're playing martyr I don't know what else to call it. Your actions (or *complete* lack of action) and loud complaints certainly point towards you martyring yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:18am
Thank you. I understand what you are saying, and I agree with everything. I found out that my benefits change at the start of the new years, so it looks like therapy can begin then. I keep thinking I can just deal with it myself, but I guess it's not working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:26am

"the word "martyr" is used ironically in casual conversation to refer to someone who seeks attention or sympathy by exaggerating the impact upon themselves of some deprivation or work."
I am not seeking sympathy. I began the board because I KNOW I have a problem, and I wanted to see what others had to say. I had to explain my jealousy issues because nobody was understanding how I could be the way I was. If I was seeking sympathy, I would go to the people who do know me and know what is going on. Getting the perspective of people who I don't know in a personal way is something I needed.

I have been looking for a new job and a place of my own in CO (or with a roomie). That has been my dream for a while, and that is what I want to do.

For Thanksgiving, we all spent the day together...it was my family we spend the day with. My uncle called my mom a few days later and said...you know what? Her bf has his entire life plan set in motion, but your daughter is obviously nowhere in that plan.

Maybe in the near future, I will send out a post from CO...and tell everyone how happy I am.... :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:56pm
Good, I'm glad you'll be able to start taking care of yourself in January. If you'd been able to take care of this yourself, it would have been resolved already, but resolution is nowhere in sight.


It'll take time and effort, but you'll get there with some help, and your only regret will be that you waited so long.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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