jealous of his female friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2011
jealous of his female friends
17
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 5:13pm

Hi all,

I'm writing in hopes of getting some perspective and support. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and in many ways I feel like I could be happy with him for a very long time. When things are good between us, I'm happier than I have ever been. We've had our issues and I've been impressed with how we've been able to talk them out and come out on the other side of them closer and more in love. However, issues around his

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 5:28pm

I'm not sure your complaints about him are unreasonable.

I have to ask you for honesty here... When you told him that you weren't comfortable with how his ex was acting, did you fly off the handle at him and become confrontational and emotional, or were you able to calmly express yourself?

I ask because people who truly believe they aren't doing anything wrong don't usually become angry and defensive if you are calm and civil with how you present your problem.

Honestly, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but he's expressed anger rather than a willingness to be more respectful of your feelings, and you're definitely not going to get him to cut down on his alone time with other women.

My instinct says that you two are not compatible in this area, he knows that he is getting his ego stroked from other women, he isn't willing to change, nor is he willing to include you in the friendships that he has. I'll be honest - I'm not a jealous woman but this would NOT be the man for me.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 1:11am

Welcome to the board, Newredshoes ~

I understand you probably felt disjointed while writing your post, but it was very coherent and well put together.

I understand there are a lot of things about this guy that are dead on right for you but when there are other areas where your standard isn't met it means he's "close, but not quite right".


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 3:15am
Sorry but If he was FURIOUS when you expressed your "not being totally comfortable " with him hanging out ALONE with her, then I would be very concerned that they are probably already more than friends. And as a married woman myself I don't see her husband being comfortable with this either. No husband or wife would like their spouse hanging out with an opposite sex "friend" all the time. There is a book called "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass that talks about why we need boundaries with opposite sex co workers, friends etc., It explains how it is very easy to cross the line from friends into an EA and /or PA if we have no boundaries with opposite sex friendships. I agree with the others that he may not be the right guy for you as you seem to have different boundaries with all this. In my opinion this close relationship he has with her is an affair just waiting to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 9:16am

Does your BF have any male friends, that he hangs out with regularly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 12:37pm

Really the big issue is his EXTREME defensiveness and unwillingness to talk over this. He is completely unwilling to even discuss this issue with you and totally dismissing your legitimate concerns over this friendship with her. I would outright ask him "if her H is comfortable with this friendship" My guess is

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 1:58pm

There are 2 things that struck me here--the 1st is that he waited 6 mos. to introduce you to his exGF/still friend because he didn't want HER to be upset--shouldn't he be more concerned w/ the feelings of the woman he is dating than how his exGF feels?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 4:42pm

I will echo what some of the others have said/asked. Does he have any male friends? I get the impression also that he this harem of women that he keeps as friends. It seems like this sort of friend group being heavily loaded to the female side is not a good thing and is not compatible with your comfort zone.

This new married female friend from work really raises some flags for me. She is not an old friend from before you met, she is a new one from after you met. Has he made any new male friends? I also wonder about this womans husband and is he really ok with this? I just think it is crossing the line to expect to make new opposite sex friends at work and go out with them one on one after work. He may say they are "friends" only but I really do think he has more interest then just friends. Not saying he is trying to have a full out fling but sort of testing the waters to see what she might be prepared to do. A very big ego stroking mechanism.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2011
Sun, 05-15-2011 - 9:56pm

Argh, I just spent ages composing a response and I lost it by hitting "back" by accident. Shoot. I'll try to re-write.

Thanks to you who responded and shared your perspectives and experiences. I'm going to try to answer some of your questions all in one shot.

He has a very large social circle (one of those people who seems to know everyone) and has many friends both men and women. It's not even all of his women friends who I'm uncomfortable with and I've been trying to figure out what the difference is. I've realized it's the women friends who want to get to know me that I'm comfortable with, who invite me along (though I don't always go) and are nice to me when I'm around. There are others who aren't that way, and they're the ones I'm not ok with.

Here's the latest on the new coworker situation. I asked him if we could do something all together (us and her and her husband) so that I could get to know them; he agreed (he had repeatedly said if I met them I'd feel better about the situation but hadn't done much to make that happen). She invited us for dinner this coming week and we found a day that works for all of us (sidenote, my bf told me that her husband isn't friendly to him; I asked if he thought it was b/c he's not comfortable with the situation either and he agreed that that could be a possibility). I've since realized I had another committment that night and told him today that I was conflicted about which thing to cancel (both are important). He said if I couldn't come he'd understand but that he'd still go. I was a little miffed by this and said that I thought it was something we were going to do together, and he said "it was, but if you're not going that shouldn't mean that I can't go." This bugged the crap out of me and he noticed (i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve with things like facial expressions and body language). He said "i don't understand why that's not ok." I don't know how to explain to him that I feel that his first priority should be helping me to be comfortable with their relationship, not making sure he keeps his social engagements with these new friends even if I can't, the point of which is (in the first place) to ensure that I feel better about his relationship with her. Am I being too harsh? It really irritated me.

I'm scared this is going to break us up. It was my birthday yesterday and I had family here from out of town and he was so sweet and loving and kind to me and to them. In every other way we're so connected and in sync. The issues is not whether he loves me or is committed to me, I really believe that he is. But nevertheless, it still really hurts that he has these other women in his life and seems doggedly determined not to bend any of his behaviour. I know that a lot of it is my responsibility (i.e. if I don't believe in partners controlling each other and do believe that men and women can be platonic friends then this should be ok), but I just really don't know how to work through it (as both of us reiterated last week that we want to). He's so adamant that he's not doing anything wrong and so consequently believes that he shouldn't have to change anything that he does.

He says he might feel the same way as I do if the situation was reversed, but I have all female coworkers and few male friends, so we've never had a chance to test out that theory. Is it wrong to want him to be at least a little jealous sometimes? :)

Thanks for your (further) input.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 12:51am

You said, "...I was a little miffed by this and said that I thought it was something we were going to do together, and he said "it was, but if you're not going that shouldn't mean that I can't go." This bugged the crap out of me and he noticed...He said "i don't understand why that's not ok." I don't know how to explain to him that I feel that his first priority should be helping me to be comfortable with their relationship, not making sure he keeps his social engagements with these new friends even if I can't,"

You can't explain to him that his first priority shoud be helping you be comfortable with the relationship he has with his friends.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 1:24am

Redshoes, I forgot to mention - too late for your last response, but maybe it will save you in the future --

There's an "autosave" feature on the iVillage boards that most often you can go back and retrieve most if not all your lost posts.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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