Jealous over going out during business trip

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Jealous over going out during business trip
8
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 1:42pm

Hey everyone,

My hubby and I recently started to have problems again. :( It's been a long time when we last had conflicts which we sorted out eventually.

Now the "new" thing that popped up is probably mostly on my end but I can't help getting jealous over this. He's on a business trip to a city for a training class. His teacher invited everyone to go sightseeing after class almost everyday. He really wanted to go if he did not have to do work at night. So I'm jealous about this because he sits by a lady in class and I'm sure they talk. I then imagine that this person and him will be having fun sightseeing. Along the way i'm sure there's other girls in class he would talk to. *sigh*.......Then he told me he went to a cafe earlier today and spoke to the waitress in her language (he took a language class in college). It makes me think he's trying to impress her because he never tries to do that when i'm with him. People who heard him speak nearby were shocked he could speak so well, so it made it sound like he enjoyed their attention (which are probably girls too).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 12-09-2011 - 9:25am

I'm sorry but yes it does sound a little crazy (since you asked). You are essentially saying, "he did X, therefore he feels Y and Z and alpha and gamma and (bird-snake hieroglyph)"

Why are you torturing yourself? This must be an awful way to live, caring if he talks to someone of another gender. As long as you really believe you "can't help it" then you won't be able to.

I hope you will seek a therapist who can help you deal with this. Asking him to change what he does or says, when he is doing nothing wrong, will not fix the problem. It will make it worse. If your husband doesn't feel freedom in your relationship, then you really won't have much of a relationship at all. Please talk to a professional about this problem - It's your responsibility to fix it and I understand you feel helpless, but accepting that you have a problem and that you need to change is the first step to healing. Relationships die from jealousy like this... And I know that there are other problems in your relationship, in which case, a therapist is your best bet to understanding why you think and feel the way you do. I hope you will not delay in finding someone to talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 12-09-2011 - 12:48am

I agree that it's unrealistic to think anyone could go through life without speaking to a member of the opposite sex and I suspect when speaking/thinking from her rational side the OP would agree.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 5:28am
True, he may have caused the jealousy - but even so, it's unrealistic to think anyone can go through life never speaking to someone female. If he's driven her to that kind of extreme, the relationship needs to end. If she's not willing to end it (which seems likely if she keeps coming back here with the same problems), therapy is her only hope, preferably couples therapy too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 1:48am

Welcome back, Gal_happygirl ~

I'm not sure whether your jealousy is "your problem" or if it's caused by situations in your relationship.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 8:11pm

Hi,

I'll gaurantee you one thing: if you don't get a handle on your jealousy you'll drive your husband away and then you'll have the very situation you seem to fear most. It would be a very good idea for you to seek counseling and discover the root of your insecurity around your primary relationship. Your husband probably would appreciate it if you did address this issue. I'm sure it gets old with him and he has to be careful what he tells you and what he does to keep you happy.

Good luck. The sooner you get a better understanding of your tendancy to be jealous the sooner you can deal with it.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 5:43pm
It's completely unreasonable to expect him to never speak to someone of the female gender. I suggest you see a therapist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 1:51pm

Thanks for your honesty. Yeah I know this is ridiculous. We did have problems in the past where he had shown interested in other girls from about when we were engaged to the last 4 years ago. After our heart-to-heart talk, we realize we really wanted to stay together and work things out. I still get jealous and nervous sometimes when we got out. I try not to be. I'm not sure how to stop these jealous tendencies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 1:47pm

Yes this is totally your problem.