Jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Jealousy
8
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 12:42pm

I posted this on the Living Together board, but wanted to get more opinions/suggestions.

My bf and I have been together for 1 1/2 years and everything seems to be going so well for us! We moved in together in September. On New Year's Eve, he told me that the year we met, his new Year's Resolution was to find "the one" and that's when he found me. That was really sweet! He's always doing little things for me to show me he loves me, and he's always saying he loves me, I'm perfect, I'm the best. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me more than anything!

So what's the problem? I have discovered that since moving in, for some reason I have a major jealousy problem! I trust him completely - I know he would never cheat on me, because he's not that type of person, and his ex cheated on him, so he knows how that feels. He has never done anything to make me think that I should be jealous. But I find that if we go somewhere and he mentions that some girl is cute, I can just feel it bubble up! I know it is completely natural for him to notice other girls, just like it's perfectly natural for me to notice other guys. I don't expect him NOT to look at another person! It's not like he's saying he wants to have sex with them! So why do I get these feelings??? All of my female friends do not seem to have a problem if their bf/husband says another girl is hot - they'll even make a joke of it or egg him on. So why can't I be like that?? I really don't want to end up being one of these girls who gets angry if her boyfriend so much as talks to another girl.

Some people have suggested that I ask him not to verbalize when he finds another girl attractive, which I think is a good suggestion. On the other hand, I feel like maybe I'm the one with the problem, and shouldn't close any doors of communication because of MY problem. I'm afraid that if I keep getting jealous or angry, I'm going to eventually lose him, and I don't want to do that. I want to get rid of these feelings all together.

A couple that we're friends with has suggested that we get together for chicken wings at the new Hooters that will be opening up. I dread going because I know I'm going to have a hard time with it. But at the same time, I don't want to tell him, No you can't go. Same with bachelor parties - if his friend is getting married, or if he and I are getting married, I would feel very upset if he had strippers there.

I just don't know what to do. I want these feelings to go away! I know a lot of these feelings have to do with my own insecurities of being overweight, past boyfriend experiences, etc. I just don't know how to deal with it. Any thoughts/suggestions??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:02pm

My DH has told me if he thinks women are UNATTRACTIVE (ie Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Gardner, he can't understand why people find them hot) but I don't think he's ever told me that he thought someone was cute/hot/sexy. He will answer if I ask him what he thinks of some such person (usually actress) but he NEVER volunteers the info and I'm more than happy to not have it. Sure, he can think people are cute/hot and so can I, but I don't really want to know about it. And I don't think it is a bad thing to not know. Why do I need to know his every passing thought?

On the other hand, I would never go to a Hooters. Let alone have it okay for my DH to go to one. Or a strip club. But these things were decided and he agreed when we were dating. And it's not bad or evil to have those kind of limitations in your relationship if you both agree.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:25pm

Thanks for the reply. My boyfriend and I had a conversation that started about bachelor parties and strippers as entertainment. I told him that in general, I disagreed with the whole thing - too much alcohol and strippers, to me, seems like your tempting them to cheat. He said that it was supposed to symbolize the person's last night of promiscuity, and I said, "You shouldn't be doing that anyway!" He said he agreed, but that it didn't mean that he wouldn't want to go to a bachelor party where there were going to be strippers. Part of me wants to say that he wouldn't be going just for the stripper - he'd be going to hang out with his friend, but it angers me that this is considered an okay practice! And to have him part of this....

Maybe I will just tell him next time he mentions that a girl is cute/hot, I'll just ask him not to tell me. I did tell him that I struggled with jealousy, so I could just tell him that, because of that, it is not helpful to me for him to point this out. You don't think that's being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:23pm

Jealousy - it's a feeling of the immature and insecure because it simply means "you're the best I can do, you're the source of my options, and I cannot afford to lose you."

Is that really what you believe? That you'd have no life, no options, no future, no fun, no success or security in life - if he were not in your world?

Probably not.

So here's what I'd make a bet on.....look at your first paragraph and you talk about how he's telling you all the time how sweet, special, adorable, etc. etc. that you are. His "saying that' has significant meaning to you - you're probably primarily audible in communication standard - and you "hearing" his words all the time regarding your specialness - speaks to your "worth" in your own estimation. Perfectly natural to a degreee to think "I'm very special because he thinks I'm special" - you might want to refine it a little to "he thinks I'm special and that makes me special regarding him"....that way you're entire "specialness" isn't put into one role in your life - his girlfriend - rather than who you are as a whole person.

And apparently he didn't make these types of comments overmuch prior to cohabitation - or it didn't bother you prior to cohabitation. So obvious there's something significant about cohabitation to you - you have expectations and needs of that status - that you didn't have before.

Now it bothers you - that he's saying about someone else according to what you hear - that he says to you. That's threatening - naturally. ecause are you hearing 'man, she's a hottie"....or are you hearing "she's really special".

I think what he's saying literally and waht you're hearing - is a result of what you "hear" in your head when you hear his words when he talks to you. And because of where you two are now - cohabitational and committed - it threatens you somewhat that he'd "say these things about another girl - it means you could be replaced, at least that' syour subliminal association.

You're stating rationally you KNOW he'd never cheat or lie - that's not his character.

I'd also ask something else, becuase this is a common mistake made when people first cohabitate with someone in life.....is the lifestyle that you've got wth him unable to e retained by you independently - should you two split up?

I guess a better way to put is - are you financially independent now - if tomorrow the relationship ended could you easily go uout and put a lease and a month's rent on an apartment, get the utilies on, and put food in the cabinet.

Or, have you put all of your savings and your money into this "relationship lifestyle" and if didn't work out - you'd have to move home?

A relationship isnt' a goal - it doesnt make you waht you're not, and it's not a "needs meeting" entity or enterprise.

Alot of time we put our fundamental "lifestyle and independence" at risk temporarily, or in permanent jeopardy - when we get into a relationship or cohabitation. We cease to involve in or be able to retain or re-attain the lifestyle we had prior to meeting - within 24 hours of a separation.

That puts your subconscious mind into a jumbled turmoil, to say the least. It's impossible to enjoy someone for who they are - if who they are and them being wtih you determines your daily lifestyle and environment.

You seem pretty reasonable about the whole thing, which is why I brought up the diverse possibilities as to why this is coming up.

That said, you did say that you thought it might be a good idea to mention that he not make these comments in front of you. That easily MIGHT be an extremely appropriate suggestion...but is it appropriately timed?

Personally, i think it's rather rude and classless to have someone constantly remarking on the "hotness" of the other gender that happen to be cruising in the mall, or waiting on your table. I have no problem with them noticing, heck we all notice beautiful or stunning people in appearance, but keep the comments to yourself. Think it - sure - say it - does that reveal your class is the question to me.

So I don't think it'd be out of line to ask him to limit his remarks entirely to "beauty" - vs. "hotness or doability'......speaking about someone's beauty is reflective of class and acknowledging what everybody realizes exists. However, if up to now you've tolerated his remarks and now they're hitting your hot spot - you probably had a subliminal expectation that he'd "stop doing that" - if he committed to you -a nd cohabitation is commitment in a sense. And now that e's not stopping - you're upset because that expectation isn' being met.

My dad used to say this...and if you change it a little it owrks for your situation.

"Aisle/altar/hymn is the order of the marriage ceremony. But I'll alter him is not what marriage does. The man you lived with or dated, is the man you're marrying."

So in your case, change it a little to say that the man you dated - is the man you're living with.

If all that has changed is not his actions - but your feelings - then you know you had a different set of expectations regarding him and his behavior post-commitment - than pre-commitmment. That is something to be examined in yourself, and it'd be a little remiss to ask now he stop doing waht he's always done and that you've "pretended" to be fine with. YOu could admit you've been putting on an act, didn't realize how much - and you'd like to tone down the remarks - strictly up to you to determine the appropriateness of that.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:02pm

Erin,

I really appreciated your post. You hit the nail on the head with a few things, and in general, really got me to think.

In regards to your first question "Is that really what you believe? That you'd have no life, no options, no future, no fun, no success or security in life - if he were not in your world?" No, I don't believe that. I've always said that I never wanted to be entirely dependent on my SO. That being said, I DO see myself thinking about him NOT being in my life, and I see a very empty place that I don't want to be alone.

In thinking about it, I feel like when he makes the comments about other women being cute/hot, I feel like he's seeking out someone "better". Or that when he says "She's cute", he's really telling me "I wish you were cuter." I know this is totally ridiculous, and it's not at all what he's saying, he's merely making a comment and paying a compliment to someone. But to me, it feels like daggers cutting into my heart.

And I guess you're right, too, about how I figured his comments would stop once we moved in. Thinking back, I can't remember him making comments that often, but when he did it didn't bother me as much for some reason. Now that we're living together and there's another level of commitment, I'm feeling like he shouldn't be looking still (again, because I'm equating "she's cute" with him looking for someone better than me). I don't want to give anyone the impression that he makes these comments often, because he doesn't. Especially since the last time I blew up at him for making a comment about our waitress. Maybe he didn't realize just how much it upset me.

I guess what I'll do, if he makes a comment again, I'll just ask him to please not share the comments with me. Since he knows that I'm struggling with jealousy, I can tell him that I am trying to work on it, but in the meantime, his comments are not helpful to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:30pm

This might help you out.

Realize that jealousy is insecurity -and that can be uncertainty about his commitment to you - or your worth or anyting else. It's a totally personal issue you can addres and should resolve.

That doesn't mean you should tolerate inappropriate behavior however.

So what might help is - take nothing "personally". What's going with you is a constant comparative analysis between everybody you see - and particularly he notices "am I cuter than her".

Women often think men are doing that same type of comparative analysis. Are Susie's breasts better than Ana's - sort of thing.

They're not, at least not as a rule.

Most men find something in most every individual woman to be appealing or attractive. Adn this might help the comparative analysis point.

On a college campus where there is a prioritization by coed's on being "hot" and on a campus where those coed's have been voted nationally as "hottest babes".....the guys on that campus become desensitized to the "beauty" or the "hotness". It's all around them - everybody is silicone and "hot"......and therefore you have to really stand out to get that kind of "she's a hottie attention". They regard all the girls individually - finding someing appealing about each of them - not in comparison of one against the other.

So he's probably NOT comparing the girl he sees to you or anybody else when he makes his observations/comments. He simply is noticing her in an "individual light".

And thus his comments regarding you aren't in comparison to former girlfriends, or his mother, or sisters about your specialness, or your beauty - it's simply about you being who you are - not in comparison with anybody else.

So don't take what he says personally -a nd if you can't figure out how to respond or if you should respond to something he's said becuase of your feelings - stand back and assess what you'd tell your best friend or sister to say to him - in this situation.

Quite likely you'll wonder what it is they're upset about - and you'd realize "nothing at all". He's not comparing me to them to "find an upgrade" - he's simply commenting on what exists in its own individual element.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:32pm

Sylasr,


Why wait until it happens again?

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 10:52pm

I agree that you don't have to think it's acceptable for your boyfriend to verbalize when he sees a hot woman just because other people are okay with it. You're your own person with your own thoughts beliefs and standards and those are the ones that matter to you. If you don't believe it's right, pretending you do because "everybody else does" won't make you feel any better about it.


But....I'm not convinced that's the case here. You also said that you are conscious of your weight and that some of this is due to past relationships. I'm not at all sure that what you're talking about isn't feelings of inadequacy or low self esteem (weight) and baggage from previous experiences. If those are the things that are at play here, asking him to suck it up is asking him to enable you to continue to avoid dealing with your problems, and you've indicated you don't want to do that -- and appropriately so. If this issue is the result of your issues, the appropriate thing to do is see a therapist to deal with those issues so that you can resolve them and move on in your life without them. No matter what else happens, having rid yourself of baggage and the bad feelings that comes with it will make the rest of your life a better, healthier, happier and easier place to be.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
In reply to: sylasr
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:05pm
Hi there Sylasr-
I was just rading this post- and Im feeling EXACTLY like you. Could you email me?? Heidiq155@aol.com I would love some help and advice on how you delt with this, I feel like it's getting worse and worse for me.
Thanks in advace.