Just could use an ear...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Just could use an ear...
20
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:36am

Been a long while since I've been on these boards. I thought posting might bring some calm to the turmoil in my heart. Just reading other's stories, and knowing I'm not alone during such a difficult time helps. Some backstory...I'm recently divorced. Was married just over 5 years...was with him for 11. We had our share of problems, including him having an affair. We loved each other and tried to work it out...he moved out in June of 2010, and we continued to work on things (therapy, etc.). May of this year rolled around, and we decided it wasn't gonna work and ended things. Having that year of being apart, I think, softened the blow, since I didn't see him every day and ending things wasn't a total shock. It was an amicable split, and within that year I made some peace with us not being together.

Anyway...around the time of the divorce, I began talking to an aquaintance. Someone I'd known for the past 3 years. We worked out in the mornings in the same gym, and had surface convo. We always admired each others' dedication and had that in common. He also works out at another gym where he personal trains a client, and invited me to that gym one morning because our regular gym was going to be closed. From then on, we began emailing. He had just gotten out of an engagement; neither of us were looking to get into anything serious. But things just sort of happened. It felt like things were meant to be, that in those 3 years, something kept us around each other. And then the timing opened up for us. To try and make a long story short, we began hanging out, and that lead to literally being with each other every night. Cooking dinner, relaxing, enjoying each other's company, clicking on every level. Taking trips. We fell in love. A few blips came when his ex contacted him about wanting to get back together, and this confused him, since he was with her for 7 years, and was grasping with the grieving of letting that go. But he knew how he felt about me, and knew I was the right person for him. He even told her this. But those 'blips' were tough for me, because I wasn't sure what was going to be. Those couple times were agony for both of us, and brought us closer. We realized we wanted nothing more than to be together.

So, the past few weeks have been amazing. We have such a great time, have so much in common, and talk about the future, making plans, etc. But yesterday, he felt in a bad mood. He didn't sleep well the night before. We worked out, talked all day through work, and everything was ok. Then later on, I texted him, and he was acting off. The weather was really rainy, and he said we could just 'catch up' at the gym in the a.m., which is odd, since we spend every night and had hinted about plans that night. So, I called him. At first, he said he was just tired from no sleep and tried to shake his bad mood. That he'd sleep on it. But the more I pushed, some more came out...that he had been feeling an underlying part of him that wasn't at peace. He and I are totally great. That it has nothing to do with us. But more of an inner turmoil and need to find himself. He feels like he needs time to himself to do that. He is one of the kindest people I know. He isn't a player, which I'm not used to (lol), so I tend to believe he thinks he has some soul searching to do. But it's just such a shock to me. With how great everything's been, I just wish he'd let me help him through this, or at least try to, instead of feeling like he can't have both. I think he can overthink things in the moment...and then when he comes to, he realizes what's true. That's happened before. I'm hoping that happens now.

I'm just not sure what to do, if anything. My gut is telling me this is so wrong. I guess I just needed to vent. If anyone has any thoughts, please feel free. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:49am

Do you think he is going to go back with his ex???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:51am
Honestly, I really don't. As far as making peace, I believe he made peace with that decision not to be with her. That relationship was not a good one, and I truly think this is more about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:57am

Is it correct that you've been actually seeing this guy romantically for a few months and that when you first started dating he had just broken his engagement and that even in the last few months, his ex contacted him to get back together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 11:02am

well? Sounds like the only thing you can do is let him go in love and peace and let him go find what he needs to do..

You cant control anything in him or in a relationship.. but you know that??

The other thing i was wondering is do you know if he suffers with depression or something emotional problems?

Maybe you dont really know him as well as you think you do?? We never know anyone do we?

I was married to a man for ten years and now divorced.. He had many sociopathic qualities (not saying your guy has anything) . Just saying we never know anyone truly?

Maybe its time to find out who your guy really is somehow and take it from there and then decide what to do but dont make it about him make it about what you need to do..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 11:06am
Hi musiclover...thanks for replying. Yes, I do think there's some truth to his confusion/feeling 'not at peace' due to going from one relationship quickly into another. Unfortunately, things just happened that way, and we couldn't control it. I LOL'd when you said you didn't know what all that crap is about people "finding themselves". I'm not quite sure either. I'm not sure he totally understands. He's just being guided by an empty feeling inside him. He says he feels happy and fulfilled with me, so I'm not sure why he feels he needs to step away from that. And yes, 7 years is a long time, but he said he knew as soon as he proposed, if not before, that it wasn't right. He could barely get the words out. So I'd hope being in a healthy relationship would open his eyes and be something he'd want to hold onto. I won't be nagging him. I'm not like that, and hold back on contacting. I do speak to a very good female friend of his, actually, his best friend, who has concurred that she's never seen him happier or in a healthier relationship as this one. I'd like to hear what she has to say, since she's known him 15 years and knows him in and out. I just hope things work out with us. It just feels so unnatural at the moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 11:13am
Hi freeatlast...it's ironic that you asked about depression. I'm actually the one who suffers from it, and we had discussed it. He even said he wasn't quite sure how to help me through some of my darker times. But as for him, I don't believe he does. Then again, like you said, maybe it's something that I, or even he, don't realize or know about. When you get inside your own head, who knows what kinds of things can take over.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 09-08-2011 - 2:16am

A belated welcome to the board, Hal13 ~

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think your "aha" is that he was upset/conflicted when his ex contacted him and wanted to get back together.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Thu, 09-08-2011 - 8:32am
Thanks for the post, 2nd_life. You have very good points here. While yes, it would've been a more ideal situation had he had more time (and maybe even both of us) before getting into a relationship, that's the way it happened. And I do believe he has residual guilt about the broken engagement...it's not her, per se, but the fact that he knows he caused pain. He knows they aren't right for each other, and admits that he made a mistake for even proposing. Yet he made more peace with that the last and final time he broke it off, and we moved on. But a big sticking point is his mom. She has a way of guilting him and playing the victim, making it all about her, and where did she go wrong, etc. I think that pulls him back sometimes...he did see his mom on Sunday, so I think that has something to do with all this. Also the fact that he's Catholic and I'm Jewish bears some brunt. He's worried his mom will hold that against him. I think he knows we're great together, and struggling through some of those life issues is what he's doing/needs to do. I do believe, though, that when you find someone you truly love to be with, and have amazing chemistry and compatibility with, someone you just love being around all the time and laughing with, that holds a lot of weight to, and isn't something to be ignored. Issues can be worked out. But the fact we have something so special shouldn't just be disregarded in the meantime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 09-08-2011 - 9:06am

Hi;

Now his mom is also in the picture??Sounds like he this guy has too many characters involved in his life.. How old is he?
He had a wife, ex fiance and a mom and now you.. To me that sounds like an awful lot of drama and conflict brewing.

I cant diagnose people but he does sound codependent.. I know this as I suffer from this myself.. He needs to def. go out on his own and find himself..and work on his issues whatever they are..with outside help..

I do understand about the chemistry because I have been with men whom I have had great times, fun times, intimacy and chemistry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2011
Thu, 09-08-2011 - 9:40am

Just a small update. Doesn't change anything, but definitely helps to get it out.

He came to the gym this morning, which really shocked me. Usually, he'd switch from mornings to afternoons in this situation, since he knows I only go in the morning. He works close to the gym, so he can go at lunch. Anyway, I had all intentions of respecting his space, but he came up to me. (Mind you, we've been working out together day in, day out, so it wasn't easy for me.) He said that he loves me, and misses me, and what he's going through has nothing to do with me. Or us. Reiterating what we'd already talked about.

I said that we moved into things too fast, maybe, and spending every day together maybe was too much, too. But he said no. That he loves every single second of it. And if he didn't want to, he wouldn't have. That he was just going to sleep on it the other night, and be back to normal with us. And it wasn't until I started to talk to him about it, that he realized if it's something deeper, then he can't keep pushing it away. He thanked me for doing that.

Something else I've been thinking about too, is, the fact that he saw his mom on Sunday. I thought in the back of my mind, seeing her may be part of why he's feeling the way he is right now. His mom basically guilts him for a lot of things. When he was 19, his dad died. (His stepdad...he didn't know his biological dad.) So, he feels like he needs to guard his mom and not do anything to hurt her, like a good son. (She has had a BF for several years now.) When his relationship with his ex failed, his mom beared a lot of that...playing victim (as I mentioned in a prior post) and making it about her. Where did SHE fail, etc. It wasn't about him not being happy to her. Regardless of how he felt and didn't feel about his ex, and knowing things weren't right between them, he did the right thing and pulled out before getting married. But she just doesn't see that. He's also Catholic, and I'm Jewish, and his mom is religious. So, he fears she won't be accepting. Again, I can't lessen someone's beliefs, nor would I ever, but I'd hope that if she knew her son found someone who truly makes him happy, then she could put aside religion and make it OK. My parents would like to see me with someone Jewish (like my ex-husb), but they also know I'm grown, and my happiness is paramount. A third thing is my not being 100% that I want kids. I've never felt closer to wanting them than I have when I'm with him, and have said that...which is not easy for me to say, since I didn't feel that way with my ex. (Crazy, I know.) And I said that before the first time he and I ever hit a road block, so it was said sincerely, and not out of fear of losing him.

So, I think some of those life issues are weighing on him all at once, and he's taking a step back to evaluate. He kept telling me he loved me, and how happy he is when we're together. And how he doesn't think about issues when we are. Could that be him being "at peace"? And all that "searching" could end with what's right in front of him? Guess he'll have to figure that out. I guess the tender moments we shared this morning (hugs, kisses, touch) and knowing he's tortured over not being with me, too (he hasn't slept in two days), will have to be enough right now. That and the hope that after he takes this time, he realizes that what we have is where he should be.

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