Just isnt as nice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Just isnt as nice
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 2:27am
Ok I am having kinda a problem here I guess. When my boyfirned and I first started going out, he was soooo sweet, caring, kind, affectionate, and loving. He always made me feel like he cared for me. Well now that we are well into the relationship, I feel he is slacking majorly in that department. I think he has become too comfortable. I know he loves me and all that, but he just doenst show it like he used to. We dont hold hands as often, he doesnt kiss me as often, he just doenst do the little things like he used to. I know that I can initiate things and hold his hand, and kiss him, but I want him to kiss me. I alwyas want to kiss him too, but I am just so shy sometimes, that I find it hard even though I love him so much. He doesnt need the reassurance like I do. Maybe I am a bit insecure, but I dont think thats all it. I just want him to act how he did before. I want him to act like a boyfriend, not just when we are alone. The thing is I just talked to him about it, and he thinks I am completely wrong. He things he always holds my hand and that he kisses me lots. But it would be nice if I could get more than a kiss hello and good bye. A kiss just because. You know? When we are by ourselves, hes alright, but its when we are in public that bothers me most. To me it seems I am "just" his girlfriend, where before I was his 'awesome' girlfriend that he wanted to show off. He says that he shouldnt have to be attached to me at every moment and I sholdnt be all he pays attention too and I totally agree. I dont want that either. That is not what im saying. I would just like a bit more affection. I dont want him to smother me and I dont wnat to smother him either, but I think he takes me for granted. I always see people in public holding hands and acting all lovey dovey. Why cant we be like that again? Alas, the honeymoon stage is over apparently, how can I get it back!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 6:57am
You can't "get it back" and you shouldn't want to. I don't know what your expectations are of this relationship, but assume you want it to be long-term and probably permanent. If that is the case, then you have to revise your expectations to be more realistic.

You are in the "second stage" of the relationship - a good thing, because it means it is progressing. However, what happens in that natural progression is that he stops trying to attract you, and feels "comfortable" enough to begin to show you his true self. You should be doing the same thing. This is the part of the relationship where the foundation is laid for a strong and healthy partnership. It's where trust and respect, the most important basics for any relationship, begin to grow. What many people don't understand is that this is ALSO the time when you need to get rid of your fantasies and see the TRUE PERSON that is being shown to you - because, you are going to have to decide if you LIKE that real person, or not. This goes both way, obviously.

This is where many relationships run into trouble. One or both people keep dreaming, ignore the reality before them, and then when they start seeing behavior that upsets them, can't understand where it came from.

I'm not saying that's what's happening with you. All you want is a little more public affection, which CAN be fine. However, there is a seed of a problem in what you are asking him for, and you need to look into yourself to find the reason you are asking for it. There are two main reasons why someone would miss public affection and the excitement of "new love." One is that they NEED the display to overcome their own insecurities and to "show off" to the world that they are loved. The other, is that they have unrealistic expectations of what a real relationship SHOULD be. Both of these reasons are relationship killers (some others, too).

So, take an objective look at the root of your feelings. If you think he is losing interest, or that he has become inconsiderate, or is distancing himself from you, then think about what this may mean in the long run. If, however, what you are looking for is the "rush" that comes from having him romantically kiss you in public, then you are headed for trouble. I've gone on long enough. If you want more of an ecxplanation about why the "rush" is not a good thing, just ask, and I'll respond again.

Lee M.