just married and having problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
just married and having problems
1
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 1:34am

Hi,

My husband and I got married two months ago. We've been together for a year and 8 months. I'm 22, he's 31. We are very much in love, tell each other all the time, we're affectionate and do everything together. Things have been difficult for us though. My husband works long hours in a very stressful job. I don't see him much. I just moved here, I'm homesick and can't work yet so I know I have too much time to think and worry.

We have been having problems with the physical side of things for a few months now. He has little interest in sex and more interest in porn which has left me feeling hurt and inadequate. After months of trying to get him to talk about it, he finally admitted that it's because of low self esteem. He has put on weight and doesn't feel at all attractive compared to me, even though I told him I'm more attracted to him now than ever. He went on a diet and has started working out, even though it's difficult because he works so much. Things haven't changed much with our sex life but I'm being patient. I'm afraid if I make any moves he'll feel pressured and we'll be back to square one.

Anyway, even though we've finally talked about these issues, some other things came up in the process. I think that, last year when we moved in together he cheated on me. He had all the signs, sneaking around making phone calls, suddendy had a lot of conferences at work. I never confronted him and it stopped after a couple of weeks. This was also when we started having problems in our sex life. This all came up when we had a long discussion. I said that I knew he had cheated and he denied it vehmently, said he'd never do that to me. I don't know whether to believe him or not. I have always had problems trusting men. Now, we're working on things but there seems to be a lot of tension. We'll be all lovey one day and one or both of us will be distant the next.

Also, lately he's been asking me a lot of questions, like what did I do all day, calling me often. He keeps telling me to remember that I'm his girl. It sounds crazy to me but I think he's suspicious of me. Maybe it's just his own self esteem , he really puts me on a pedestel, says that I'm perfect and beautiful and all that. This, combined with all the stress is causing a rift and I'm afraid it will get worse. If I bring it up he'll say im over reacting. How do I relieve this tension without making a big deal out of it? I just want things to go back to the way things were, we both do. How do we get past this point?

Sorry about the long post. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 3:12am

Welcome to the board, Greeneyes, it sounds like you've got some big issues here. I don't know how you relieve the tension and not make a big deal out of something that is a very big deal indeed. A couple of questions first to make sure I understand correctly:


  • You said he's more interested in porn than in you. Do you mean he masturbates to porn instead of having sex with you?
  • You said it's a self esteem problem that he's been working on, but not much has changed. Do you mean he's losing weight and getting in shape but the sex hasn't returned? If he's been masturbating to porn instead, is he continuing to do that?
  • You say that the sex problems started about a year ago, but also say it started a couple of months ago. ?????
  • You said you just moved there and can't work yet. Why can't you work "yet"? It sounds like you moved to where he is already been established, yes? Was your relationship a long distance one then? If so, how often did you see each other before you got married?
  • Why in the world would you believe he's having an affair, say nothing then marry him?
  • When you say you're "working on things" what do you mean, what specifically are you doing?
  • You say you want things to go back to the way they were before, exactly when is that? Two months ago? A little more than a year ago? When is the time you want to get back to? This may sound like a silly question, but it's important.


    I can't address the other issues without knowing the answers to my questions, but I can tell you that putting a partner on a pedestal is a very, very big problem in a marriage. You can't live up to his expectations of being on a pedestal. Not only is that more pressure than you can deal with, but eventually he'll become disillusioned as you disappoint him by not being the perfect idol he expects you to be.


    Have you considered counseling?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"