Just so tired....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Just so tired....
11
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 7:18pm
I was about to leave my husband of 6 yrs, after finding so much porn on the computer it was slowing it down, and a "love friendship note" he had sent to someone, over the internet(I think its someone he works with). She's 23, We are in our mid-to late 40's. He carries a picture of her in his wallet. His justification for it, is that "she's like a daughter to him". I'm no fool. He totally ignores his one and only daughter he has. He had kicked me in the bed, because I was talking in my sleep,,twice, after the second time, I kicked him back and told him NEVER to do that to me again.(this happened about a year ago, he denies it of course) He thinks I used him and has told me so. He has thrown it up in my face, what he had done for me financially, before and after we were married.(I am disabled) All(my medical problems) of this he knew before he married me. I explained to him that I have a hard time doing housework ect. due to my health problems, all BEFORE we got married. Then finally after confronting him with this, he blows it all off like its nothing. Hasn't explained who the note was sent to. Just said he was "taking care of himself" about the porn. (we had already had problems about this before) I'm sorry, but I am still having problems with this. Forgot to tell ya ,we havent had sex in over 2 yrs. Everytime I try to bring up something, to talk, it ends up in a fight, because he gets so mad. I am very hurt by all of this, and am having a hard time trusting him. I am very depressed, and other than getting mad when I want to talk about it, he is making an effort...I just sometimes feel like, I don't want to make the effort right now, and I don't know why? Does that make sense? sweet_mulberry

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 9:01pm
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, for a marriage to work both people have to work at it at all time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 9:55pm
BTDT He is making excuses, lying, and bullying you in an effort to cover up what he is doing wrong. I suggest that you start individual counseling if you have not already done so. Are you on SSI or SSD? Do you qualify? It's probably time to start looking at ways to support yourself whether on disability or otherwise. You are losing more and more self-esteem the longer you let this go on. I recommend the Families Damaged by Pornography message board, too.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 12:00pm

Welcome back Sweet_Mulberry ~ I'm in the midst of a busy Sunday as usual, and won't be able to post for quite a while yet. But, when I peeked in on the board and saw your name, of course I recognized you right away and wanted to provide the links to your previous posts that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your situation and history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old posts too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they’re able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement – or lack of – in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:


hub likes to cook
I did something really immature ....
I did something immature ...
What Causes Passive Agressive Behavior?

I'll be back later!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:10am

Sweet_Mulberry, I think it's very clear that you have some extremely serious issues going on in your marriage.


I don't know what "love friendship note" is, but it certainly sounds like it could be a sign of a big problem. Carrying around the picture of a co-worker who's "like a daughter" sounds like more problems, especially if this isn't someone you feel the same about.


His porn use may be indicative of an addiction problem, but you haven't really offered enough information to indicate whether it is or not. You say you haven't had sex for two years, but I don't know whether that's due to your disability or relationship problems. I agree that his coming back with house cleaning problems may be a tactic to avoid the topic at hand, but it also seems to be the way you've typically handled issues between you, as you two have a long history of poor communication and poor interaction.


I absolutely understand you feeling hurt by all that you've mentioned, I don't know anyone who wouldn't. I agree with Steph that counseling is in order, but I think perhaps couples counseling may also be necessary, do you think he'd be willing to go? I think the first step is to see a counselor on your own, explain the situation and your history and let the therapist tell you whether s/he feels couples counseling is in order. Please know that a counselor or therapist who sees you as a couple must be accredited in the field of couples counseling. It's very important and necessary that the counselor have the proper training and licensing as the field is very different from working with an individual. Some counselors and therapists who are licensed for individuals only offer couples counseling as a "service", but since they don't have the proper training, they very often end up doing more damage to the very couples they were trying to help. It's important to get real help, more trouble you don't need!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 8:01pm
heres, what he sent her. Go to this site and I think it will brig it up, I felt betrayed how would ya'll feel? http://321greetings.com/ideaofa.htm Just copy and post it to your address area and it should take you to the thing he sent to her. I already feel my self esteem is gone. I know I am looked at as a second class citizen. Its very hard to talk about. so I am gonna go for today. I'll come back tomorrow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:20pm
How horrible for you (even though I couldn't see what he sent) - I hope you feel better when you come back tomorrow.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 12:50am

Sweetie, I understand you're hurt, I don't know anyone who wouldn't be. You've said this has affected your self esteem, and I'm sure the last many years have done the same. Have you seen a therapist to deal with the damage that's been doled out? Do you want a divorce? What are you goals?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:02am

I would have issues with my DH sending that to anyone but me just from the picture attached to the top. Women will definitely interpret that as lovey. I also have a very hard time picturing a man sending that to ANYONE that was a "friend". It's a girly thing to do.

I forget, are you in counseling?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:35pm
Well, right now I do see a psychiatrist(sp?). But I'm not taking anything for depression, because the last depression medication I was on , kinda made me feel numb, and I think I need to feel, what I'm feeling right now. I am on SSDI, but I am under review right now. I really don't know what to do. I have already talked to a lawyer and know my rights. But when you have no money to do anything about your rights, what do you do? I feel so confused and so tired of thinking about it, tired of crying, tired of everything. Yes, it bothers me about the picture, in his wallet. It bothers everyone, except him. My body feels like a truck has hit it all the time. Right now my house looks like a tornado hit it, but I could care less. I really could care less about anything right now. I think there is more going on than just friends, with whom ever he sent that letter to, but he told me "since I was so smart to figure it out" and never explained it, or explained who he sent it to. About the sex, we just havent had sex, because I am the one who usually initiated it. And when I stopped, because of being tired of being treated like a doormat, he just never bothered. He had a problem with the internet porn before the sex stopped, so thats not why. It was just the excuse for the time. He actually blamed the computer, he would cut the internet off, can you believe that? For the past 4 years, I have had to support myself, off of my income, he has barely helped me. I have had to chose which meds to get this month, or that month, it has been you take care of you with your money, I'll take care of me with my money. (by the way he makes 4 x what I draw in SSDI) I had made the decision to leave, and went ahead and changed my SSDI over to a new account. But after we had a fight, we kinda resolved a few things, and I had changed my mind, but now I'm not so sure. He has tried to help me, but its hard to undo the hurtful things he said, and has done so easily. I am finding it hard to respond to him, because I know it won't last. I think the fact that he goes to these Christian websites(other ones) and send out these little notes are so sad. He puts on this show that he this Christian, but he's really not. It makes me sick. Wanda
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:08pm

That didn't read at all like a love note. Only friendship.

I think the OP is right about her self esteem being gone. There are so many issues to deal with though.....

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