keeping excitement in relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2011
keeping excitement in relationship
13
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 11:34am

I have been together with this guy for 1.5 years now and it is usually going well. But I noticed that the excitement on his side is dwindling. We still spend a lot of time happily together, but I get the impression that for him the fun part of is life is happening outside of the relationship. e.g. He likes going out, go dancing, partying and so on and he usually prefers to do these activities with other friends and not with me. Not that he never invites me to join him, but I am also obviously not the first choice when he thinks about having a fun night. When we go to a party he usually gives all his attention to his friends and rarely to me. The fact that his friends are predominately female, attractive and single and that he tolerates or even enjoys their flirtatious behavior doesn't make it easier. (I used to complain abut that but he claims its absolutely normal and I am just intimidated by his attractive friends). He insist that she is having enough fun with me, but I can tell that when he is hanging out with his friends, he really enjoys his time.
I personally think in his mind I am the nice but only average girlfriend, that he is quite comfortable and happy with me, but not excited, and that he likes the extra attention from other girls. And I obviously need to get out of this role, because it starts to bore me and it is potentially dangerous for our relationship. But I really don't know what to do about it. Just trying to add more variety doesn't seem to work. When I try to initiate going out, getting wasted, whatsoever (an opportunity he rarely says no to when it comes form his friends) he regularly doesn't feel like it. Or should I just get used to my role in his life as being the homely girl and personal support and do the same and get my fun/excitement from my friends instead?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 2:29pm

I know others will tell you to talk with him about this because you don't know for sure if his excitement level is dwindling... but from my perspective, if you have been together a year and a half, your instinct is probably right that his interest level isn't very high anymore. The initial excitement does die down a bit over time - This is natural - But to replace it with the attention of other females and to prefer the company of other people to your company, that is a sign that this is just not the right relationship.

Do you consider yourself an exciting person? Or are you predictable and routine? You describe yourself as "homely" which I find sad, because you don't have to be that way. I wonder if you and he maybe just operate at different levels of excitement? Doesn't he ever compliment the way you look and tell you what he loves about you?

I could tell you that this is all your fault for boring him but chances are, it isn't. It's most likely that he's just not as interested as he once was. I hate to say it, but it's also pretty likely that he has an interest in someone else whom he sees when he's out with his friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 4:00pm

Femalepope, the party situation sounds fairly normal to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2011
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 5:09pm

thanks for the replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-20-2011 - 8:38pm

This doesn't sound like the kind of relationship I would like to be in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 12-21-2011 - 1:33am

Welcome to the board, Femalepope ~

A question....

Does he initiate the couples things you do together or do you suggest and he goes along?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2011
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 5:29am

i guess musiclover analyzed it best.

he is very willing to do couple things with me (on my or his initiative), but for "fun"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 8:50am
Are you prepared for the fact that he may use this as an excuse to break up with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 12:04pm

I think a better idea would be for you to realize that you & your BF have different ideas about how to conduct your relationship and instead of you having to put up w/ him treating you like a 2nd class citizen, to break up w/ him and find a guy who will appreciate you and want to spend time w/ you and not be going out having fun w/ other attractive women and then telling you that you shouldn't be jealous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 12:12pm

I agree with this. I also think it's very likely that he is giving her a "take me or leave me" type of situation because if she decides to put up with his BS then that's great for him, and if not, she can take a hike for all he cares. Most men like this one will not end a relationship when they are able to use it at their convenience for friendship, companionship, on-demand affection, and sex. Please note that even if this is the case, it doesn't mean he's going to shut down completely and treat you like garbage. What you get is something like this, where there are some very good times (when he is in the mood to have good times with you) that are confusing because there are also times when you feel like you've been left out in the cold.

femalepope, I wonder why you put up with this kind of treatment. It's not even remotely fair - This isn't what good relationships are like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2012
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 8:17pm

Never get used to your position as a gf. You should always change it up, and be spontaneous bout doing things with each other. You don't have to tell him most of the time what you have planned, but tell him to be free that day because you have something planned. (be sturn when you say it too because he'll brush you off).

www.findingfreedomteam.com/ KLittle

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