iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 12:06pm

Im not sure where to post this, but i will try here!

ive met a really really great woman (via internet and have not physically met yet), but we have a strong connection on all levels and get along great.  we've spoke of meeting and spending time together and im hoping to be able to do that soon.  there is one deal breaker though - she has 4 kids (ages 10-5) and says she doesnt want anymore.  i have no kids and im wanting that experience of being pregnant and enjoying motherhood with a child of my own.  of course, i would love her kids like mine, but i want to have this experience and bond for myself.  she is a school teacher and a gym coach and that is her concern.  i totally get it, but regardless if kids are involved or not, you are going to be "outed" to the kids and parents (bc kids talk) about your sexuality.  

my question is, do i continue to pursue this amazing relationship with her or do i walk away?  both of hate this situation and neither know what the healthy and right thing to do would be.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
In reply to: crlnaqt00
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 1:35pm

Having found the woman of my dreams via the internet, what ever you do with the relationship is up to you but if you end up back on your dating site, I would recommend that you address both parties deal breakers clearly at the first hint of compatability. Then, if a single deal breaker on either end applies, end the conversation and move on BEFORE you become emotionally attached. I upset a lot of women doing this before I found 'the one' but in actuallity, I did them all a favor for not wasting their time or romantic energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: crlnaqt00
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 1:50pm

Seems to me this is an easy two have just met virtually, have not even met physically, and already there is a deal-breaker as far as a long term relationship.  You know what you want (your own child), you know what she wants (no more children), that is a deal breaker for couples of any sexuality.  Is there another issue about you two even having a relationship?  Your comment,  "i totally get it, but regardless if kids are involved or not, you are going to be "outed" to the kids and parents (bc kids talk) about your sexuality. " seems to be completely unrelated to your initial concern.  Was this woman married previously and is now coming out later in life, but has not yet committed fully?  What seems to be the perfect relationship virtually could be completely different in reality, especially if there is a huge disconnect where big decisions are made, then this "amazing" relationship really might not be. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: crlnaqt00
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 11:28pm

I couldn't agree more with the others.  The child aspect is a deal breaker, moving forward knowing this won't be an option assures your eventual unhappiness and destruction of your relationship.  This isn't something you get used to, it's something that becomes more and more important as time goes by.  You haven't met this woman, close the door.  Moving forward makes no sense.  I must say too, this isn't the amazing relationship you think it is.  The fact that it lacks a very important piece for you proves out that it's not amazing.  It's something that looked good on paper "except".  Close is not good enough.  This isn't right for you, move on now.

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
In reply to: crlnaqt00
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 10:22am
The answer is NO, you do not continue to pursue this amazing relationship. You personally are wanting a child of your own, that involves a large chunk of child rearing, that your current love interest has gone through 4 times and has since moved on from. Her youngest is 5, and she is now at a point in her life, where moving forward includes leaving behind pregnancy and infants and early child rearing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2012
In reply to: crlnaqt00
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:14pm

I am in agreement with the other posters.

There is no way I would have been in a relationship wanting kids and not having them.

Best to find a woman who wants kids or more kids (if they have some already) and not settle just cause it seems amazing at the moment.