Kind of an odd issue...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Kind of an odd issue...
20
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:56pm

Hi everyone,

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half. We have a wonderful relationship.

Thing is, he has bad breath. It's definitely something I can, and do, overlook (in other words, its not something one would notice unless they're kissing him.) Now that we've been together for a while (with every intention of staying together,) it's getting to me a little bit more because it's harder to look past (whereas in the beginning, my butterflies from kissing him overshadowed everything else.)

I felt bad for awhile because it got to the point that in the middle of the night, if he was facing me, I would turn the other way because his breath was so bad. Then one night he was brushing his teeth before bed (I made him) and when he "spit," there was some blood in it so I commented that that means his gums aren't very healthy and he was really offended. I tried to undo the damage and just tell him that its best to brush every night if possible, and I didn't mean to hurt him.

Its to the point now that its getting harder and harder to kiss him - yes, I'm dying to: I am incredibly in love and turned on by him. He still has a cemented thing in from after braces, which he's had in place since high school (he's 21 now) because he's "too lazy" to go to the orthodontist and have it taken out.

I finally told him last week: "you know baby, I know this is a touchy subject but I need to bring it up. I really think you need to have that thing removed from the orthodontist, and see a dentist for a check-up as well. Also, I really want you to start brushing your teeth at night because the truth is, sometimes the reason I won't kiss you is because your breath is bad." He wasn't all that hurt this time, because he knows it true. He said "yea I'll go" but I know he won't.

My question - What else can I do to actually get him to go see the ortho AND dentist, and start brushing better and more often? Sometimes he even leaves in the morning without brushing if he's in a hurry. Result? Awful breath.

What else can I do? Refuse to kiss him altogether until he goes? Have his mom make him an appointment?

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 12:26am
Welcome back, Meddreams ~ How are your jealousy issues going ("preparing" for an "upcoming" issue...)?


In this issue, I think it's very, very appropriate to tell him that his avoiding getting this taken care of is almost certainly affecting his health, whether he realizes it or not. It sounds like there's bacteria building up under this thing that should be removed, which is going to damage (most certainly already is) his gums, his teeth, and when you're constantly swallowing bacteria (which he certainly is), his overall health is being affected, whether he feels it or not. The smell says bacteria is building up and growing.


If it were me, having already had the conversations you've had with him I'd be a little more upfront about the situation. "I didn't want to come out and say it, but the smell that's coming from that thing in your mouth is really bad, and I know you don't want to go around with a bad smell coming from your mouth." You've given it to him gently, he got upset but got over it, he knows it's there, he knows it needs to be taken care of. Since he's still avoiding it, it's time to be honest with him. You know that while he may be upset he'll get over it. If he does get upset, I guess you could ask him if he'd rather go around offending people with his breath unknowingly, or if he'd rather that you just avoid kissing him rather than tell him the truth. Once you've told him, it's up to him to do something, I'd hope he'd take care of it pretty quickly.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:41am
Not to sound mean but I've been with someone who couldnt take care of these "little" things before in their life. The relationship is not going to work if he can't even do the most basic thing. What are you staying for?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:02pm

I'm staying because I love him, I am completely IN love with him, and I would never consider myself so shallow as to break off a wonderful relationship with someone over a small issue that I feel can be corrected, if I only knew the right way to address it.

Hence, my reason for posting on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:58pm
It's been more than three weeks, meddreams--what progress has he made toward dealing with this issue?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:42am

Hi,

I sympathise with you med. My DW has great breath.....it's her snoring that is slowly driving me away from her emotionally and physically. She has tried to stop.....has went to 2 sleep thingys where you spend the night while they monitor your sleep patterns. She takes meds, reads articles concerning it.....I have worn earplugs, earmuffs, sleeping pills,etc......nothing has worked so far. I now sleep on the couch, and she on the bed. This is not healthy I know, but I must get some sleep in order to function at work.
Your SO's breath issue will one day cause issues in your marriage I'm afraid to say.
I hope he seeks help in correcting it soon for both of your sakes. You seem to be so in love......I wish you the best of luck. In my case our problem has nearly stopped all physical contact between us.......sex I mean.......we still do the other romantic things, but I can't get past the imagined sound of her extremely loud snores when I want to have sex with her....it has become such a turn off that I simply can't.
Does he gargle before coming to bed? That may help things in the short term until he goes to the dentist. Again, good luck to you, and let us know how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:57am

Gosh, I'm wondering if I maybe made this sound worse than it is. It hasn't affected our "intimacy" at all... I mean, its more of a nuisance than anything. I know for a fact that if I said "I will leave you today if you don't correct this issue," he would drive himself to the dentist right then and there. I think he just hasn't taken it seriously enough at this point. I think that may be my fault, which is why I posted here, looking for the answer to: "what can I say that WILL be convincing enough?" Something more than "this is bothering me, please be sure to brush at night" but something less than "I'm ending our year and half relationship over this."

I really don't see it as something that would affect our marriage down the road, assuming we make that step. Unlike your wife's snoring, I can simply take my face more than three inches from him and the problem is resolved. It's just when we're facing each other or kissing that I wish he had of taken the 2 minutes to brush, use mouthwash, anything. When he DOES do that, he has GREAT breath! In other words, its not like he has some sort of mouth disease or something (which I know is a common cause of perpetually bad breath.)

I really do appreciate everyone's replies here. I guess my question still remains though...

One of these days I'll work up the courage to just make the appointment for him!!! =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 12:39pm
If you're okay with the breath issue for the moment then that's all that matters I guess.
3" away and it's alright? I know a guy that if you're within a yardstick length of his mouth you can smell him.....lol. At least your SO isn't to that level of disgust yet.
You appear to be the kind of lady that isn't about to let this come between the two of you. He has a very loving SO IMO. I hope he takes care of his problem soon, for both of your sakes.
Go ahead girl....make that appointment for him!!! I'll bet his breath will smell like a bouquet of orchids when you're finished with him....:)))
Keep us informed of your situation if you don't mind.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 1:14pm

Hi!

I sympathize and empathize with you. When my husband and I married, he snored HORRIBLY. I often lay awake fuming because he kept me from sleep. It was especially exasperating because he seemed to be sleepng so soundly.

A few years ago, however, he also did a sleep study, and was diagnosed with sleep apnea (I'm guessing this isn't your wife's diagnosis?). A breathing machine was prescribed, and he uses it every night. It has helped immensely, and best of all, he is better rested and feels more relaxed.

Not everyone wants to try this, but I have also heard of people who quieted their snoring by having their uvula removed surgically. Has she consideered that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 1:29pm
Bless you!!
My DW has never mentioned a breathing machine. That doesn't mean she wasn't TOLD that by the doctors. I can't picture her using that. I am going to ask her if I can discuss this with her doctor......and if she says I can't then I will anyway. It has got to the disgusting stage now, and I have a ton of resentment built up about it. Each time she gives me 2 sleeping pills so I can get some sleep it pizzes me off. I'm not the problem, she is. She knows I detest taking meds to begin with, yet that's what I must do to get sleep....and I'm talking from the COUCH.....yep....with our bedroom door SHUT....that's how loud and unpleasant it is....woe is me....:))
All the fun vacations we used to take together are now times that I abhor. I spend most of the nights standing out on the patio while she sleeps/snores. No fun in that ya know.
I hate sounding like a whiner because I'm not. I will do most anything to cooexist with this issue, but when it appears she won't do the same it has caused me to drift away from her physically.....and I have had PA's due to this. I am a sexual person, and I can't go on forever without some contact with a woman.
Thanks again for the recommendation. I am on a mission now to check out the breathing machine. I will keep you informed as to how it goes.....zzzzzz.....snore....zzzzz.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:08am
Midwesternman, there is much more involved than simply going out and getting a "breathing machine". First, she must be diagnosed as having Sleep Apnea. This is done through a sleep clinic, where she spends a night's sleep being monitored and diagnosed. From there it's determined whether or not she has sleep apnea or another problem and what the best course of action is. Sleep Apena can be very serious and is quite common, I know several people who suffer from it and are on machines, I also know someone who's had surgery to correct his sleep-breathing problems.


The first step is her doctor referring her to a sleep clinic, or perhaps she can refer herself. Most hospitals have sleep studies departments, give your local hospital a call and inquire.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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