Last String......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2002
Last String......
6
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:05pm

My current boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months. Last week he came home from the military and is out for good. Even before he came home, our phone conversations turned into fights almost every time we tried to talk. It has gotten worse and worse throughout our relationship and we do not even fight about important stuff. Our most recent fight last night was over a movie that he suggested wouldn't be good for me to watch. All throuhgout the long distance part of our relationship we looked forward to when he would finally be home and our relationship would go smoothly. It has only been a week and last night he told me if things do not change, he is going to walk away. He loves me dearly and sees me as the person he wants to spend his life with, but feels as though I walk over him all the time and am always trying to pick a fight.

My last real relationship was over 2 years ago and it was almost 2 years long and the reason we broke up was because of the same problem my current boyfriend and I are facing right now. I do not know what to do because he told me this is my last chance because he can't handle the drama I bring to our relationship. Relationships are supposed to involve making each other happy and expressing your love to each other, not fighting about everything and anything! I love my boyfriend dearly and can't imagine my life without him. I know this is a reoccuring problem I have in relationships, since my last one ended because of it, so I am looking for advice on what I can do to change it. I do not want to fight with him anymore, but I just get irritated by the stupidest things that turn into a bigger deal than they ever should be. I want to change because if I lose this guy, not only will I be crushed, but my problem will carry on to my future relationships. Any suggestions on how I can change my ways would be greatly appreciated! My boyfriend treats me better than I could have ever imagined and I don't want to lose him because of my stupidity :(
Thanks
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:22pm

Get counseling....


I have some questions as to how old you all are and why he gets to decide what is best for you to watch.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:28pm

Hi Jen,
Your story sounds SOOO much like mine, however I do think my bf has things to work on too...

However, since you make it sound like it's all you ALL the time, might you explain more about some of the things you're talking about e.g. what you guys fight over? The reason I ask is that since you didn't elaborate and there are always two sides to a story, I am wondering if there is anything that he also might be doing/not doing to provoke argument.

I'm also wondering if there is any background you have that might cause you to react more to things...?

With me, I am what you make yourself sound like, I get irritated at a lot of things and it brings about a lot of conflict in my relationship. I am in therapy (not just because of this) but my therapist said that I have a lot of "knee-jerk" reactions, and in spite of those reactions, some I have to learn to keep to myself or just train myself to not act on those reactions.

I am not sure if you are like this or not and in fact my bf also has said he doesn't know if he can deal with my "drama" but there are often times many more aspects to a situation.

You might want to tell us more about yourself and your bf and maybe your fights...and how old are you guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 1:01am

Welcome to the board, Jenn ~


Like the others, I think a lot more information is needed before any answer that can begin to be competent can be given, there are just so many variables that any suggestions we have would be based on assumptions and that could be harmful rather than helpful!


The questions I have are these:


  • How old are each of you?
  • How long have you two been together in this relationship?
  • He says you bring drama into the relationship and you say it's happened in previous relationships. What drama do you bring? What happens? Can you describe an incident or two that are good representatives of what's going on and the trouble you guys are having? You know, how it starts, who says what the whole thing.


    I'm hoping you'll be able to help us out so we can get a good idea of your situation. I'll be checking back for your answers!






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Fri, 12-02-2005 - 6:09am

    I agree with the others that we need more context of your arguements to provide comments.

    For example (re the movie arguement) my husband knows what I like and what I don't. If we're contemplating a movie that has heavy violence or stars Jean Claude Van Damme he will tell me straight up that it's so not my type of movie and that I'd hate it. He's simply looking after me and saving the cost of a wasted rental.

    This is quite the opposite of someone who won't let you look at a movie because you find the leading actor is oozing sex appeal. That's called opression. Heaven forbid that my DH should try to stop me from watching Sean Connery, Brad Pitt or Ioan Gruffudd LOL

    There's a big difference between caring for your needs and opression. Which is your boyfriend doing?

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-29-2002
    Sun, 12-04-2005 - 6:20pm

    Ok, I think I wasn't very clear when I was explaining my situation. My boyfriend did not tell me I could not watch the movie, he was merely telling me it wasn't a movie that I would enjoy because it's not what I usually watch. By no means did he tell me I could not watch it, he was just trying to spare me the 2 hours watching the movie.

    How old are each of you? I am 21 and he is 26

    How long have you two been together in this relationship? We have known each other since the beginning of march this year and we have been dating for 4 1/2 months now.

    He says you bring drama into the relationship and you say it's happened in previous relationships. What drama do you bring? The drama I bring is starting up fights and arguments over stupid, irrelevant things. After the fights, I look back and it does not make sense as to how or why it even ended up being a fight. We both are tired of fighting and bickering about stupid, senseless stuff. We should only have to worry about big things.

    What happens? Well, I will explain the movie situation, since that's the last one we've had. I told him I wanted to see the movie and he said I should watch something different because it is not my type of movie. I then got all defensive and got mad at him because I do not do well with people telling me what I should and should not do. He was just trying to look out for me and he told me he wasn't telling me I can't watch it, he was just saying there are many other movies out there we can watch together that we both would enjoy, instead of my not enjoying it. Since we've been friends for a while, he was just suggesting I watch another movie because he knows by now what movies I enjoy and which ones I could have skipped.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:07am

    You're going to hate me Jenn, but I still don't feel like I have a good feel for what's going on at all. I mean, I can read what you've said, that you argue over petty stuff, but I don't have a good feel for what you consider petty or how the whole thing goes down.


    For instance, with the movie thing you say he didn't say you couldn't watch it, that he suggested you wouldn't want to, but further down you said, "he said I should watch something different because it is not my type of movie." That's telling you in my book. It would be different if he'd said, "I've seen the movie and I don't think it's a movie you'd enjoy.", from there leaving it up to you whether you want to see it or not, but telling you it's not your type of movie is telling you what you think, what you like and frankly, that is out of line. If that kind of thing goes on often in your relationship, I don't blame you for getting upset, I'd be offended and angry too. What you describe is not looking out for you it's trying to take away your choices. Another indicator to me is that your boyfriend is in the military and the typical kind of guy who's in the military is more controlling and demanding than most. His comment is something I'd expect from a military guy, but not one that would be acceptable to me. I want to be treated as an equal, a partner, not told what I like or what I should do. Being "looked out for" is not something I want, someone to back me up when I need it (assuming they agree) or when I ask for it is great, but I don't need a keeper.

    Another thing that would be helpful is more detail. You said in your first post that you'd been arguing on the phone before he got back, but didn't explain anything about the arguments. And how about your previous relationships, what kinds of situations caused problems there?

    I hate to keep asking questions, but until I feel like I know what the situation is, there's no way I can offer anything that can be helpful. How can you offer suggestions to help in a situation that you don't yet understand, you know?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown









    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"