Lazy husband driving me crazy -- help!
Find a Conversation
Lazy husband driving me crazy -- help!
| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 5:19pm |
Hi all. My husband has been driving me crazy with his laziness lately. Our son is three months old. When I was pregnant, DH was really good about cleaning up the house while I was at work, making dinner, etc. While I was on maternity leave, he was a little bit more relaxed about it, but it wasn't too bad since I was able to help out too. I've been back at work for two weeks now. DH hasn't done a single bit of housework since I started working again. It took me a solid week to get him to finish putting away the laundry (which ended up being a substantial pile after the week's laundry was added to it). I come home from work to see blankets in the floor, DS's clothes everywhere, piles of mail, magazines and random junk on the loveseat, dirty dishes in the sink, piles of laundry, bed unmade. I grew up in a clean house and this drives me nuts! DH grew up in a really messy house, but it's never been this hard to get him to clean up. Most of the mess is his, because I clean up after myself, and I refuse to clean up after him just on principle. If he gets used to me picking up after him all the time, he's just going to get lazier. Besides, I don't have the energy! I get up at 5:45 every morning and I'm lucky if I'm in bed by 12:30 at night. DH is in bed by 1:30 or 2, sleeps till 11 or 11:30, then lays around the rest of the day till I get home! He sometimes tries to use DS as an excuse, but I know for a fact that kid sleeps all day long. I don't know what to do to get him to clean up, even a little! I've tried asking nicely, reminding gently, leaving lists of what needs to be done, calling to remind him to clean up, nagging, yelling, and threatening, in that order. It's gotten so bad that I'm almost in tears from the frustration. What can I do? I hate this mess!!!!

Pages
Well, it seems that the fact is...when he wanted to cook dinner and clean up - he did.
And now that he doesn't - he won't.
You can't force people to do anything. Thier values justify thier actions. So what has changed since you had the baby?
I mean, he wanted to do these things before why? HE had a reason doing these things was beneficial to him and desired by him to do......do you know what that reason was? Because it obvously now no longer exists.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You said sometimes he uses your son as an excuse for not cleaning up, what else does he use as an excuse? What about weekends? Who cleans up then? Have you taken the whole load on weekends, not had his help at all, I mean?
I ask because when my children were infants I found it to be impossible to keep up with the house. Maybe you've had full charge of it all on your own and know that not to be the case for you, but I was amazed at how much work it was. I thought the same thing you're thinking, "all this kid does is eat and sleep, how can it possibly be this hard?" Seems like I'd feed the child, put them down for a nap and by the time I got started on something else it was time for a diaper change, another feeding -- something! Some days I felt I'd really accomplished something if I got a shower in or got the bed made. As they got older they demanded more attention (more stimulation) and that put a whole new slant to not getting things accomplished. I had to remind myself plenty that I was home to raise and care for the kids, that should be my priority, not the housework. I found I could be a good mom or be a good housekeeper, but not both.
How much housework did he do before the baby?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Erin do you have children? My guess is no. Cleaning and keeping a house before you have kids and after are *incomparable*. It’s not about wanting to do something. When we had our first our house was a wreck, was it because neither of us wanted a clean house? No. Was it because our values were such that we didn’t do anything? No.
What changes when you have a baby? Well lets see, you breastfeed more than you care to admit, at all hours. When you get up odds are you might wake up your DH. That = two people on very little sleep. No sleep = tiredness which leads to lack of productivity not a lazy person not wanting to do anything because they don’t have to. Don’t add to that a major lifestyle change and major changes to every day simple tasks that you can and cannot do with an infant.
I am with CL on this one, DH and I found it impossible to keep up with the house. We had a million things to do still with one of us at home and the other working. And you know what you prioritize, time for the child v time for the house, what would you choose?
JMO I think using you DS for an excuse is perfectly normal. An infant is a full time job. I think after three months your DH would still be getting used to the massive changes. If it is so bad you cannot handle it how about paying for a cleaner once a week or month? Would it help? In the first initial months we had my niece help out around the house, it cost us $5/hr and we basically left the list for her to do. Would something like that work for you?
When I was home with my dd (that short amount of time) I was shocked at how little got done. All the sudden it would be 4:30 and I hadn't done a thing. It's amazing how much time babies take up. A three month old can't sleep all day. He must be feeding, changing, rocking and interacting with your son a good portion of the day I would think. As the baby gets older, he's probably going to be spending more and more time playing and interacting, so of time is the problem, I don't think the issue will resolve itself.
It's possible he just is not motivated to keep the house clean. Your nagging, reminding, leaving lists and pulling your hair out isn't cutting it. None of that is motivation. Motivation comes from inside you (or him as the case may be). If it were me, the nagging would probably be a de-motivator and I think the harder you try and 'make' him do it, the harder he is going to resist you.
Is hiring someone to come in and clean an option?
Did you have a discussion about expectations, roles and responsibilites before the baby came? Have you talked to him since about why what he thought it would be like is not what it *is* like now that you are back to work? It's also possible that since it's only been two weeks, he hasn't found the right routine yet, and I assume the fact you are so upset about it isn't helping him adjust to the change. You need to work as a team with him, it's not supposed to be you dicate he follows orders. What does he say? What does he think? What does he want?
I completely missed the most important part of my response to you, congratulations on the birth of your son Taylor!
I hope you aren't feeling attacked, I for one am not saying your husband isn't shirking, I'm only saying how it was for me and asking for more information about your situation before jumping to any conclusions. Let us know, okay? Having more details will give us more information and more suggestions to offer you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I just wanted to comment on housework (or lack there of) when there is a lot of change. Although DH and I don't have children, we went through an adjustment a few years back when I went back to work after being laid off for awhile. For the first few weeks I was working, we were a mess - the house was a disaster, the laundry wasn't getting done, no food in the house, etc. We looked at each other and said "We have GOT to get our act together." Me working again was an adjustment and it took awhile for us to get out equilibrium back. We had to come up with a new system for getting everything done that had to be done.
I can just imagine how much more of an adjustment it would be to have a new baby, esspecially the first baby because it's all new. You don't have any system to fall back on. You've got to figure everything out for the first time. Things are bound to be topsy-turvy until you guys reach a point of equilibrium. The good news is that you guys can work together and figure out a system in which everything that NEEDS to get done gets done and maybe some of the other stuff too.
I think that the first step is to recognize that with any big change, things are liable to be a bit crazy and unsettled for awhile. Then work on finding good solutions - working out a system that fits all of your needs.
Hire a housekeeper if a messy house is that much of an issue for you. Plenty of husbands do that for their wives who are stay at home moms.
It sounds to me as if your husband is dealing with depression or is overwhelmed by the needs/reality of a 3 month old---who, by the way, probably isn't sleeping all day long like a 3 week old. When you were on maternity leave, you were also there to pay attention to the baby's details and he could do what needed to be done. Now, you're at work and it's all on him. Even if you were the one staying home and he was out working, the house would be a wreck because there are only so many hours in a day if you're there by yourself trying to do everything. You can't be all places at once.
You married a man who came from a completely different 'neatness' dynamic than you did... and when stress was added to the mix, he remained the only thing he could be: himself. It's a little late to be angry about his housekeeping tactics.
Kids bring huge messes with them. Bottles, sterilizing kits, diapers, wipes, etc. The house is not going to be spotless and the laundry is not going to be all done for a long, long time to come unless you hire outside help to help with it. Wait until the toys start multiplying and spill out of their toyboxes. The mess doesn't end until they move out for college.
You can either make your home a war zone in your tug of power or you can hire a housekeeper.
Hi guys. Thanks for all the replies. Everyone was asking for more info, so here you go.
Up until two weeks ago, I was at home, so I got to know what it was like being with DS all day while DH was at work. He's a very laid-back, easy to manage kid, especially during the day. He takes long naps and only fusses when he's wet or hungry.
I have discussed the situation with DH to try and figure out why he's shirking all the time. He admitted that there's no reason he can't do more. He's just slipping back into the same bad habits he had when we were first married. I don't know why, but when the television is on, he can't get anything done. He'll walk by it, glance at the screen, and stop dead in his tracks and stare at it, entranced, for a few minutes before he can move again. So he basically spends all day in front of the TV. When I ask him what he did all day, he invariably replies "I sat around." He has no problem with getting enough sleep because DS is in the bed with us, so he doesn't cry at night.
There was some improvement today, though. He was able to make a quick stop to the grocery store, bake a pie and some packaged cookies, and straighten up the living room (slightly) while I was at work. It's not great, but it's something. I think he's finally starting to understand how difficult this is for me. Also, I think it helped that I called him several times today to remind him of what needed to be done. I think that helped him remember to move away from the TV.
One thing I still don't understand is how I can talk to him on the phone and say "Call this person right now and then call me right back" and then ask him later if he called them and he says "I forgot." It totally confuses me that I told him to call right now and he forgot.
Oh, BTW, hiring help is not really an option because we're saving to buy a house this summer. Plus, we live on a military installation, so we'd have to get a visitor's pass for anyone we hired.
Anyway, this post is getting kinda long, so I'll just say thanks again for the response. Ciao!
~~Mandy
My kids were both laid back, easy kids and at three months they ate, slept, and cried only when they were wet or hungry too and I still had my hands full taking care of the baby while the house waited. One question I'd asked that hasn't been answered, and I think it's important -- at least it is to me! Have you spend your weekend days alone with the baby, taking care of all of it by yourself? If so, how did that go? A question I hadn't asked previously is what is your husband's role? Is he staying home full time to care for the baby, going to school or what? The disarray that you find when you get home, does he expect you to clean it up or what?
A couple of things that jump out in your post. You said that he gets hooked on the TV if it's on and can't walk away. So, why doesn't he keep the TV turned off until he's done what he needs to do? Which brings us to another issue: the problem you're having is that he doesn't hold the same importance to a neat house as you do. You're trying to push your standards on him and that's not okay. He is just as much entitled to his standards as you are yours. If he makes the mess then walks away from it, that's one thing (though in the situation of caring for an infant it doesn't apply the same as if you were both working full time outside the home, his M.O. was to come home, make a mess and expect you to clean up after him. No matter who stays home, once you're both there, your jobs are equal - parents and partners. If there's a mess because child care got in the way then either of you can and should clean it up, or opt to take time out for each other and let it wait, and believe me, it'll wait. You also said that things are better today because the living room was slightly picked up and he'd baked a pie and (I think) bought some cookies. I don't understand how that is better when housework was your problem? Why would baking a pie, which takes time away from where he could be cleaning and picking up, be "better"? It sounds like a diversion to me.
You also said, "I can talk to him on the phone and say "Call this person right now and then call me right back" and then ask him later if he called them and he says "I forgot." It totally confuses me that I told him to call right now and he forgot." Why would you call him with "orders" to call such and such and "report" back to you? My guesses as to why he "forgets" is either because it's not as important to him as it is to you, or it's a passive/aggressive move retaliating against the orders that have been given to him.
As far as a housekeeper goes, there are options. Perhaps another on-base spouse would be interested in a little extra money, or better still (cheaper) a teenager who could come by after school for a few hours to help out. I understand saving money for a house, but a few dollars spent towards helping clean the house will be money well spent if it keeps your marriage from being at odds and keeps you from being upset about the condition of the house.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Pages