LDR Intimacy
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| Sun, 06-18-2006 - 6:19pm |
I asked this question in the Christian Dating forum, but I wanted to ask it again here to get some perspectives that may not be so incredibly religiously tied. We have a faith guided relationship, however, we are not incredibly strict or fundamentalist in our beliefs in any way. I would appreciate some more secular opinions as well. Thank you!
I am a vigin and plan on remaining so until marriage. My boyfriend is not a virgin and his last relationship was primarily defined by the sexual relationship. He knows we are not going to have sex and he respects my decision to stop things when I feel they are starting to get too intense and I start to feel nervous. He wants us to have a healthy open relationship about how we are intimate and he's been wonderful in respecting my feelings. He wants to follow Christian teaching but due to his sexual past it is difficult for him. I want to be able to help ease his transition from regular sex to much limited intimacy, but I'm not sure how. No matter what we do or don't do he is going to be holding something back - obviosuly, and I don't know what to do for him and with him that will not compromise my comfort level but that will also not leave him taking frustrated cold showers for the next few years until we are married. How can we reach a happy medium of some intimacy based on my limited experience and his need to adjust to a less sexual relationship? Any and all advice (from ways to talk about it to things we can do while messing around) will be appreciated!
Oh and I forgot to mention - we are in a long distance relationship so we only have a few days together separated by a few months each time we see each other. He does not want to relieve his desires himself while we're apart in hopes that when we're together they won't be as strong, but it's been very difficult for him to adjsut. HELP!

Welcome to the board, Pilotchica ~ Some questions first: Is he asking you do help him deal with this? Is he asking or encouraging you to revise or adapt your stopping point in order to "help him out"? How long have you been dating?
I don't think you can help him find a way to resolve this, it's his issue and his struggle, not yours. As far as what you can do to "help satisfy him" without compromising yourself, again, I don't think this is your place. You can only choose for yourself how far you're willing to go or at what point you're compromising your beliefs, that cannot be a negotiable item, maintaining your beliefs and remaining true to your decisions and virtues isn't a compromisable item. Never go farther than you're willing to go for yourself. Never go farther than you really want to on your own. I'd say consider any physical/sexual act you do with him in the light of how you'd feel if the two of you broke up. Don't do anything you'd regret having done if you didn't stay together, don't compromise yourself. You can only struggle with your own stopping point, you choose for yourself, he has to deal with it on his own. Honestly (and I know all religions don't agree), if he doesn't want to masturbate, that's his choice, not your problem. I've heard of guys making girls feel all kinds of guilt/pressure and responsibility for the guys *needs* when frankly, it's bull. You're not responsible for "relieving his tension". If a heavy petting session leaves him frustrated and "in need", then the answer is to not go so far. It's not your issue to "help him", it's his. If he's left frustrated, then he should come to the conclusion that the two of you need to cool the make out sessions. Honestly, if he's having trouble dealing with it, he should be talking to guys who are practicing celibacy until marriage to find out how they deal with it; I doubt you'd be expecting him to figure out how to fix your frustration problem, you'd be dealing with it as you should, on your own.
Since he's already experienced sex, it's going to be harder for him to "go without". But, if he's made the choice to do that, it's his to figure out how to do that. If he's been sexually active for some time, it's going to be hard for him to "go back", since he's used to completing the act after arousal. But really, this is no different than dating in high school, the fact that the guy wants to go all the way doesn't matter if you don't, and it's not your fault or your problem if he's left frustrated. You've set your boundaries and been clear with him what they are. He has no right to expect more and he has no right to expect you to find a satisfaction level for him.Some questions first: Is he asking you do help him deal with this? Is he asking or encouraging you to revise or adapt your stopping point in order to "help him out"? How long have you been dating?
In case you should wonder whether the answer I'm giving is religiously tied, it's not. I had sex before marriage with more than one partner, have been divorced, and have lived with two guys outside of marriage(not at the same time ~ lol!). You're trying to take responsibility to resolve a problem that isn't yours, and you're looking to compromise your beliefs in the process. Those aren't good things in any situation.
P.S. I've asked that your post be moved to the "Relationship Problems" section of the board, it's more appropriate there and it'll get a lot more views and responses. If your post seems to suddenly disappear from this section, you'll know where to look for it!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He's not asking me to compromise anything and he hasn't asked me for help on this at all. We've been dating about 5 months, but we've known each other for about a year - and considering we're in a long distance thing, the transition from friendship to dating didn't change how we spent time together much - on the phone. We have discussed this and are very open about talking about sex and any other topic. That is one benefit to and LDR I guess - the communication HAS to be really good and ours is.
I just wanted to seek some advice, because while I know this is his thing and he's got to figure it out, I know it's hard for him and I want to help... I just don't know how. I hate seeing him frustrated. He's pretty much just frustrated with himself because he doesn't want this to have any power over him at all, he doesn't want this to be an issue, yet for him it is and he's afraid of making me feel pressured in the future if he doesn't figure out how to deal with it. I've stopped things once or twice when I started to feel uncomfortable, but he hadn't pushed me too far yet, I was just making sure it didn't go to far. When that has happened he has felt so bad and is so afraid he was pushing me. I told him not to worry and that I wouldn't let things go to far for me, but he is really concerned about not pushing my limits.
I guess maybe there is nothing I can do to help, but I wanted to see what people had to say. I don't really know anything about how guys deal with sex drives or what could make it easier or harder, if anything. Like I say, I'm really inexperienced with this whole intimacy thing. I want to be somewhat intimate and mess around a little, but more in the fun, we just like being together kind of way. I was hoping there would be some things we could do to be intimate - which would not compromise my beliefs or comfort level - but stop at a certain point. But maybe doing anything at this point will make it harder for him? Should we not do anything for a little while when we see each other next, then slowly do more? Would that make it easier for him to adjust to no sex? The only issue I have with that is we only get to see each other every few months, and only for a few days at a time, so avoiding any intimacy for a little while would frustrate me too.
Sorry for all the questions and rambling... this is just a very new situation for me and I don't really know what to think or where to go from here.
I'm at work and I've already spent way too much time on the board this morning, so I need to get to what they actually pay me to do around here
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with everything CL-2ndLife had to say. I can't offer much on the how to deal with celibacy front either since about the age of 13 my objective has always been quite the opposite (somehow the religious teachings didn't seem to slow me down a bit). Looking back, I do see where moving too quickly on that front has gotten me into trouble in some relationships and I do think it is a worthwhile objective for a couple to pursue if they both value this.
What I can offer is some words of support. What I hear in your posts is that you both genuinely care for each other, about each others feelings, and are willing to work together for the sake of the relationship. You don't have to spend long on these boards to realize how rare this is. This is MAJOR plus for your relationship and those couples that have this can generally work through a lot of hard stuff, including celibacy.
In terms of the male sex drive, the way that it is acted on can be controlled. Make no mistake it is a powerful force in most men, but it never actually unilaterally takes over their brains (OK every women on this board just laughed out loud at that statement). This overwhelming need is often used as a convenient justification for men's actions. Certainly masturbation can relieve some of the biological need, however, this is only one dimensional, and does not stop the drive for expressing your love for someone through sex (multi-dimensional). The touching and petting, and being in private settings will always be a challenge cause once the motor is running and the car is in forward it is hard to get it to go in reverse (not impossible, just hard).
It will be a challenge, but if you are both committed to this you can get there.
Best of luck, P.
Pilotchica, it occurs to me that part of your problem is you're trying to figure out what will make it harder for him and what "messing around" won't. Offhand I'd say anything that arouses him is going to make it harder, just like anything that arouses you is going to make it harder for you -- though it will be tougher for him because he's not used to having to stop. Instead of asking us what's "safe" and what's not, I think he's the one you should be having this conversation with. Between the two of you, you can figure out what's "safe" and what's "out of bounds" based on your own understandings of how each act affects you personally.
Just be sure you don't compromise your beliefs and goals, don't get pushed or urged into going farther than you want.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"