Learning to have desire

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Learning to have desire
13
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:42pm
My first post here..I hope someone can help me. I have been remarried for 1 1/2 yrs. After spending 20 years with an alcoholic, I met and married a wonderful man. We are compatible in so many ways, and get along wonderfully except for one thing..I just don't desire sex. I had a lousy childhood, and always felt like men wanted me for one thing only, a thought that my mother encouraged. My husband feels that even though I love him, I don't desire him. It is hurting him badly. Against my better judgement, last summer we had a threesome with another man, (he thought it would help my desire level) and for whatever reason, I had desire for the other man, and turned away from my husband. We nearly divorced over it, and still may, I'm afraid. It hurt my spirit, and now I have no desire at all. I love my husband, and I don't want to loose him. How can I create the desire that we both need so badly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:35pm

Emotional intimacy fuels the flame of physical desire. Have the two of you considered counseling?

Reading material to consider:

Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil (there are exercises in the book to promote sharing)
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:40pm
We did go to counseling. After the first session, the dr. said he didn't need to see my husband. Apparently I am the one with the problem. I will get these books you mentioned right away. We are very close as far as sharing our days, being touchy-feely, cuddling, etc., but I just don't have desire.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:43pm

Hi Blueday,

I think "itwillflame" gave you good advice. I just wanted to say something on a more basic level from my own experience. In my experience, if something is missing from a relationship....something I don't consider a small thing like physical attraction or desire, as you phrase it....then I think that is a signal that the relationship may be more one of friendship than true love.....but that is just my personal take. That could be wrong for someone else, I guess. I just find it hard to believe a woman can change and all of a sudden feel desire for a man she once had no desire for. I hope I am wrong since you seem to want to make this marriage work.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:49pm
Ok, a few more questions...how old are you? Have you had a physical check up in awhile? Could be hormones.... also, if you start messing around, does the desire increase at all? I mean, sometimes we don't 'feel like it' but once things start moving along (like with foreplay) things change.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:59pm
I think you may be on to something that I just don't want to admit. He tells me this constantly when we argue about it. I will admit that he is not my "type" (and he knows this), but my type has been nothing but heartache in the past. Do I admit to him finally that he is right..I don't desire him sexually..but we can still make this work? Truly, other than sex, we get along wonderfully! I don't want to loose someone as wonderful as he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:06pm
I am 45, he is 53. And yes, once we start I do enjoy it. In fact, I am hosest in saying he is the best I have ever been with. He used to always "chase me", and I couldn't handle the constant attention, so he stopped. This morning, when I initiated it, he said he could tell my heart wasn't in it, so he turned me down. This hurt, but now I know how he feels. He needs constant attention, touching is a must for him, but his sex drive is tremendously stronger than mine. He says he shows love by giving and enjoying sex, and I am happy with cuddling. I NEED to get my drive going. I do suffer from depression, but am on medication (I have been on the same meds for years, so I don't feel that is the problem). I do have a couple of medical issues, where my stomach is in pain a lot, but I think I use that for an excuse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:14pm

This might sound odd, but someone once told me that she prepared herself mentally for sex - pep talks, talking to herself, when her desire was low. Mind you this was hard to hear as it was from my mother-in-law at the time.

You might try getting your hormones check and also by getting your meds checks just because body chemistry does change with age.

Do you enjoy doing things to him - oral sex, manual?

Have you tried posting on the mis-matched libidos board here at iVillage:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:17pm

Hi again,

Well, you have been married to him for a little while now. I certainly can't blame you for trying to save the marriage since he is good to you. Maybe therapy might help....If not, you might have to recognize you don't have all the elements to make this marriage work. Physical attraction is a big thing- at least to me. Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

P.S. I just read you are on anti-depressants. This could also be affecting your libido.




Edited 1/26/2007 4:19 pm ET by saralm
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:38pm
I haven't posted there, I will do that soon. I do enjoy other things with him, but still not as much as he likes! He says he can "feel" that I am not enthusiastic, which I was in the past, and that is where a lot of the problem lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:42pm
I will go to the Dr. and get a check up. It's funny, I dated quite a few times after my divorce, and no one was "him". The moment I saw him, I knew it was "him!" I still think it is, I really feel this has to be a physical problem or response to one of the medications I am currently on. I had the desire when we met, then I got ill after we were together, and things have not been the same since.

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