Learning to have desire
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Learning to have desire
| Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:42pm |
My first post here..I hope someone can help me. I have been remarried for 1 1/2 yrs. After spending 20 years with an alcoholic, I met and married a wonderful man. We are compatible in so many ways, and get along wonderfully except for one thing..I just don't desire sex. I had a lousy childhood, and always felt like men wanted me for one thing only, a thought that my mother encouraged. My husband feels that even though I love him, I don't desire him. It is hurting him badly. Against my better judgement, last summer we had a threesome with another man, (he thought it would help my desire level) and for whatever reason, I had desire for the other man, and turned away from my husband. We nearly divorced over it, and still may, I'm afraid. It hurt my spirit, and now I have no desire at all. I love my husband, and I don't want to loose him. How can I create the desire that we both need so badly?

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Emotional intimacy fuels the flame of physical desire. Have the two of you considered counseling?
Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil (there are exercises in the book to promote sharing)
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Carrie
Hi Blueday,
I think "itwillflame" gave you good advice. I just wanted to say something on a more basic level from my own experience. In my experience, if something is missing from a relationship....something I don't consider a small thing like physical attraction or desire, as you phrase it....then I think that is a signal that the relationship may be more one of friendship than true love.....but that is just my personal take. That could be wrong for someone else, I guess. I just find it hard to believe a woman can change and all of a sudden feel desire for a man she once had no desire for. I hope I am wrong since you seem to want to make this marriage work.
Carrie
This might sound odd, but someone once told me that she prepared herself mentally for sex - pep talks, talking to herself, when her desire was low. Mind you this was hard to hear as it was from my mother-in-law at the time.
You might try getting your hormones check and also by getting your meds checks just because body chemistry does change with age.
Do you enjoy doing things to him - oral sex, manual?
Have you tried posting on the mis-matched libidos board here at iVillage:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing
Carrie
Hi again,
Well, you have been married to him for a little while now. I certainly can't blame you for trying to save the marriage since he is good to you. Maybe therapy might help....If not, you might have to recognize you don't have all the elements to make this marriage work. Physical attraction is a big thing- at least to me. Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do.
P.S. I just read you are on anti-depressants. This could also be affecting your libido.
Edited 1/26/2007 4:19 pm ET by saralm
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