"Leaving him in peace"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
"Leaving him in peace"
4
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:01pm

Hello all,
I would like an advice about a communication problem I have with my boyfriend.

We have some unsolved issues. In a very fast summary, I relocated to be with him. We had talked about our goals and what we want to achieve as a couple before that (we both want to have a family, I told him that I would want to have a baby soon since I'm getting older, but for that we need a stable revenue and we agreed on that). However, since I came to be with him, things haven't been going as I understood they would. He haven't been looking for a job, he told me that he wants a business, but didn't work too hard on that. That affects our goals, and my situation. Because I "sacrified" the life I had in my country (job, friends, activity, financial position), I feel that I don't have control of my life, since things are not advancing like I thought they would and that makes me very frustrated.

I've been talking (or more exactly trying, because our conversations never come to a solution at least as far as I'm concerned) to him numerous times about the issue and he basically tells me that he's "tired" of talking (or of me?) and tells me to "leave him in peace".

I get very hurt by his attitude and those words. So I try to continue talking and get some kind of reassurance or solution, but then he leaves himself. Which hurts me even more!

Yea, I know that men don't like women nugging, but I simply can not accept my partner telling me to "leave him in peace". I think it's insulting and it shows that he doesn't care.

Am I overrecting ? Should I leave him in peace when he tells me so ? This way he would be more open to talk to me ? He says that I also chose the wrong time to talk, but no time seems right. And I even tried to tell me the right time, but even during the previously established "right time", he gets "tired" of talking and ends up leaving, telling that he wants to sleep/eat/watch tv/relax or by telling me to "leave him alone".

I know I'm very sensitive, so what's the right thing to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:14pm

He doesn't want to hear it, whatever it is. That can't make for a happy relationship. Ask him if he will go to counseling with you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:59am

Welcome to the board, Sireanita ~


I understand how frustrating and disappointing this has to be for you. I have a few questions for you before I can give you answers, I hope you don't mind.


  • You said you left your country, did you know him personally before you moved? Through the internet or what?
  • Was he employed before you moved? Has he been steadily employed throughout his adult life?
  • You say that you told him the two of you needed a stable revenue to achieve what you wanted to achieve, that sounds like the revenue was not stable at the time you had the discussion, if that's true, you were saying that things had to change in order for you to move to be with him, is that right?
  • How long have you been with him in his country? Who is supporting him?


    Thanks in advance, I'll be checking back for your reply.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-12-2005
    Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:37am

    cl-2nd_life,
    Thanks for your reply and questions.

    Yes, we were together for 2.5 years in my country before I moved. Before coming to my country, he worked for a very big international company and he also worked in my country. He's a professional.

    Yes, I told him that he needs to find a stable revenu when I come and he said yes, but in stead, he was trying to set up a business, but to set up a business, one has to be ready, financially and also have his ideas organised, and that was not his case.

    I've been here for 3 months now. We live with his parents and that reduces spendings, I also lended him some money. He also had a small instable revenue, but it's finished now. Actually he started looking for a job last week.

    So now, we are at the point, when the savings are finishing and the stress is mounting. And it is not my fault! I know he's stressed, but does that excuse the way he responds to me ? I am really trying to use the right communication skills, trying not to blame, but it's also not easy for me and since I'm alone in his country, with who else can I talk if not my boyfriend ?

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:58am

    Thanks for your answers, Sireanita.


    I might be wrong, but it sounds like what he did was agree that a stable revenue was needed, but instead of getting a job with a stable revenue, he started a business instead. It's pretty typical for a new business to lose money for the first year, and he likely expected that to happen, but that's certainly not a stable revenue and I would think it is something he should have discussed with you so that you had full understanding before you came to his country. I have to tell you, Sireanita, it's very unusual for a professional man to find it acceptable to move back in with his parents, whether he's trying to get a business off the ground or not, that's true if he's in the U.S., anyway. I find it suspect that he'd be living with his parents at all, that to suggests he's not at all successful. However, there are cultural aspects that might come into play too, and I have no idea what culture may be his.


    If you came over thinking he was in a stable job and came with the belief that the two of you were going to begin your lives together, and if it wasn't until after you got here that you found he did not have a stable job, instead he had a new business that was not yet profitable (and therefore not stable) in my opinion you came under false pretenses. If that's the case, he knew the situation wasn't what you expected and he knew you were misled. If that happened, I would be very concerned about continuing a relationship with someone who would do that to you. I would be concerned about continuing with someone who purposely mislead you, who controlled you by allowing you to come here without knowing the truth of how things really were. What else will they do? What else will you not be made aware of? What else will they feel isn't necessary to discuss with you?

    If the situation is as I'm thinking it is, I would pack my bags, head back home and consider myself lucky to have gotten out. You will not be a partner or an equal to a guy like this, he will decide what is done, what you're made aware of and you won't have any say in your own life with him.

    I'm sorry to be back here so late Sireanita, it was a busy day with work and family obligations after work, so I wasn't able to be here until now. Let me know if my understanding is accurate or not, okay?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"