A little "too far" behind me...

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Registered: 01-05-2004
A little "too far" behind me...
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Thu, 04-21-2005 - 12:24am

Today has been a trying day. I'm the first to admit I'm in a less than rosey mood. The reality of things are just very pressing from time to time. It drives me nuts.

For starters, this morning, while DH was on his way to work, I called to remind him I'll need him to drive the car over to me on his lunch break so I could go to a meeting I have at one of the other sites I work for. (I don't have that new job yet, so I'm acting like I don't have it coming. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than brutally disappointed.) As it stands, for those that forgot, we have 1 car, a 2000 Ford Focus which I bought before we got married. He works about 20 minutes away from me (depending on traffic, of course). Since he has a longer commute, I walk the mile and 1/2 to work (good excersize, even though the neighborhood isn't very safe). Since the walk isn't a safe one, I never carry cash. I only carry my cell phone, my keys, a peice of paper with emergency contact names and phone numbers and a list of medications I'm on, and my work clothes in my back pack and dress like any of the other homeless people on the street to keep from being noticed. (I blend in pretty well, other than the fact that I look showered.) We tried bus passes, but for him it would be a 4 hour commute daily round trip and for me, it doesn't make sense to pay $50 a month for something I can walk anyway. I never carry money with me.

Well... today he didn't turn his cell phone on... So when I called to remind him several times, I got voicemail. I ended up rescheduling the meeting and taking heat from my boss for doing so. DH never showed...

So that brought me to the realization that we NEED another car. So I hunted through the adds today and - who am I kidding? There is no way we'd come up with $1000.00 for the down and zero financing would leave us with payments we can't afford. Oh well...

I think peeked in our vacation fund. We're planning a couples trip to WDW for our annivesary this year. Since last year's annivesary was less than stellar (more on that if you REALLY want to know, feel free to e-mail me privately), this year's was going to be big.We have another couple already locked in and we bought our (non-refundable) air fare last month. We haven't taken a vacation in over a year and it's vital to our creativity which we both need to stay sane. It would also give me a chance to see my bio-father who should be pretty well recovered from his life-saving liver transplant surgery by then (he lives in FL, I'm in CA). I realized we only have $71.00 in there... We were supposed to be saving $375 a month for it starting in Feb, but then... the car died. $1500 in repairs that month alone. Then DH needed dental work (still needs more and yes, we have insurance) which ran around $700... And the tax man cometh... there's another thousand.

I realized the only way we can have the things we need and the things we want is by getting second jobs. So I brought that up to him. We brain stormed, but he shot down every idea I had that could have involved us working together (we do work well together - we've done it in the past). His idea was to open a Gem cutting shop out of our garage. (He's a diamond grader studying for his GEG). This would require the purchase of equipment and rewiring the garage. All of that requires money. If we had that kind of money, we wouldn't need second jobs. He's still bent on that and already sold his idea to his equally broke friend, and is avoiding telling his friend we can't do it right now at ALL COSTS. Gah!

So this weekend I'm applying anywhere I can for a job that will let me work weekends and evenings. I've got another job in the wings that I might get, but I never count my chickens before they are hatched when it comes to jobs (I'd rather be pleasantly surprised that I got one than brutally disappointed that I didn't). He's very "supportive". Behind me all the way... a little too far behind? Why am I the only always getting off my rump to get us outta' trouble (this won't be the first time I've worked 2 jobs for us - each time I'm miserable)? Why can't he get off his rump and get a second job??? He wants to work on his black belt. Meanwhile, yours truly hasn't set foot inside a recording studio in MONTHS due to STRESS! Not all of it belongs to DH (bio dad being sick was a HUGE chunk of it, then there was the move, etc.), but still... this just puts that off even more. My album has been now almost 5 years in the making.

It's really frustrating for me. I mean, he'll do little stuff around the condo and I do appericate that, but geez... could you help out in the job market at all? He's a great guy but he can't pay a bill on time (which is why I took that over when we got married) and doesn't seem to understand. I was looking at cars and he said that we'd "make it work". I said we couldn't afford it right now. He said we could. I offered to show him the bank accounts and he got upset and left the room... There is no money he's not telling me about. Of that we're 100% certain. Oh well - guess I'm stuck to walking, which is good exersize anyway.

Now, if I get this new job - yes, I'll be making more money (significantly more), but if we buy a second car, that's where that money will go. If we don't, I'll be looking at a 3 hour bus commute round trip.

This condo has been great, but it costs 47% of our monthly income... and we can't sell it w/o huge pre-payment fees on our 2nd mortgage (we have 2), and we couldn't afford anything else if we DID sell it anyway. Apartments around here don't accept animals and I refuse to live with roomies again (or get rid of my pets).

I don't really want to sell the place and move.... I just wish he'd step up to the plate more and be a "fan" a little less, ya know? I seem to always be the initative taker - and then he feels bad that I took it (even though we've been talking about this second job thing for a month)...

Chocolate and wine to anyone who got to the bottom of this. Hoho's to anyone who got to the bottom and is pregnant.

-Jay
(on a side note, we were considering having kids, or TTC in October of this year - ha! Fat chance with this socioeconomic status. I could see it now... I work 2 jobs until the day I give birth while he gets to play dad and only work 1....Assuming we're blessed enough to have kids with my PCOS. There is no way we could afford infertility treatments right now so he'll just have to wait on that front. It's bad enough my BCPs aren't covered by my insurance. I'm stuck with the only brand I don't get sick off of and yes, I do need them. They shrink the cysts all over my ovaries from PCOS, so, though there are other BC methods, I actually NEED the hormones in the BCPs that I'm currently on.)

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 12:55am

Hey Teyar, it's been a while! I'll be back in a bit, but until then I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts so those who might be able to get there before me can have the benefit of a better understanding of your situation:


Tired of working so hard...
Says he "understands" but...
Talk to DH last night...

I'll be back soon to check out what's going on with you. See you then!




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown





Edited 4/21/2005 12:58 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:12am
Thanks! We have come a long way from some of those situations, but this one continues to bite me in the butt time and time again. :P Any suggestions would be appericiated! Tonight we talked AGAIN and he said he'd look for something else, but $10 says he'll be too tired, forget, fill-in-the-blank excuse.
Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 2:29am

Oh Teyar, did you read your previous posts, I mean really read 'em? Things haven't changed, they're the same as they've always been. You do the caretaking and make all the sacrifices, he has the negative attitude, does the complaining (and gets rewarded by 1) You treating him extra good to "cheer him up"; 2) He doesn't have to "put up" with what he's unhappy about because you give up what you want to placate him (which means you're sacrificing even more). He gets upset, hurts, gets angry, disappointed and you feel bad. You're the mom, he's the spoiled child. The scenarios may have changed, but the dynamics are exactly as they were.


Why doesn't he get off his butt and do something? Because he doesn't want to. He won't do it because he doesn't want to and he knows you will anyway. If you stood strong and insisted you might get him to actually do it, but he'd whine and complain, be tired and miserable all the time, you'd feel guilty for "making" him work and you'd take three jobs and let him quit his second job.


This one really got me, "He works about 20 minutes away from me (depending on traffic, of course). Since he has a longer commute, I walk the mile and 1/2 to work (good excersize, even though the neighborhood isn't very safe). Since the walk isn't a safe one, I never carry cash. I only carry my cell phone, my keys, a peice of paper with emergency contact names and phone numbers and a list of medications I'm on, and my work clothes in my back pack and dress like any of the other homeless people on the street to keep from being noticed".I'm sorry Teyar but there is no way that this is acceptable. Your husband rides safely in a warm, comfortable car while he knows his wife is walking unsafe streets alone? EVERY DAY???? This is not acceptable. I am far from helpless (my husband would lay odds on me against most any guy in any situation, as would the men I work with) but he would NO WAY accept me doing what your husband apparently is just fine with. My husband would insist on driving me no matter what he had to give up to do it, or he would walk instead or he would take the four hour commute without complaint, but there is NO WAY you should be walking unsafe streets alone and the fact that this is okay for him says some very stark things about him.


I think you clearly know by now who he is and what his personality, style and character are. You know what it means to be in a relationship with him, and you know that's the way it is. He's important and your not. He whines and complains and you find a way to make it work, you do the work and you soothe him too. Who soothes you? Who takes care of you? Who cares for you? These are important things to think about. You've always come in much less than second and it isn't going to change. Are you happy with living your whole life like this? Do you realize having children means triple the workload for you and more complaining (but no help) from him? Again, Teyar, if you're happy living like this, it's your choice, but I think if you were happy with it, you wouldn't be coming back looking for answers, and presumably, change.


What do you think? What do you want out of life? Can you get it where you are?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:58am

Well, I tried an interesting thing. I fowarded theses posts to him at work - we'll see what happens. I'd like to be pampered and spoiled a little more. He does little things around the house, which are nice, but I'd really like him to take some of the financial pressure off me. We talked a little bit this morning before he left for work (he has to leave about an hour before I do), and I hope to do more tonight. He seemed open and receptive rather than hurt. I'd like a bit more of a commanding man in my life. Somewhere along the way life knocked him down, and , really thinking back, I think it happened in around 2002 when he was unemployed for 4 months and hit some depression. We got through that, but then our recent fall from grace in 2004 has sort of made him revisit some things.(He got too involved emotionally with a gal from work. Nothing physical happened and after many talks, he saw my point that she wasn't just being nice, but that she was too close to him. I'll admit, I tend to be a little jealous, but this woman was confiding things in a married man he had no business knowing. Like when she finds out her ex-boyfriend gave her an STD, she went crying to him... He talked to her and said he was sorry if he was giving her mixed signals, but he loves his wife and she said 2 interesting things in reply: 1) This isn't the first time I've had this sort of conversation and 2) I don't know how to "just be platonic friends". He no longer speaks to her and the feeling is mutual for her and has been for months. I think last I heard, she's sleeping with a married man who's considering divorcing his wife. BUt she doesn't want to marry him - just sleep with him for now. DH thought he could help her since they share a similiar abusive past.)
I basically learned that if it's going to get done, then I should do it because I can't count on him. I learned it when he was unemployed and depressed and it kicked back in during that whole thing with that gal last year (he wasn't coming home on time, leaving me with all the responsibilities, etc, all the hallmarks of an affair - though I'm sure it wasn't physical, yet.)
We also learned that we need more friends who are in our same area of life. Other couples that could help lift us up, instead of a bunch of singles who are still hunting for Mr/Miss right who want to go out partying until all hours of the night.

Yes, we've definately got a long way to go and some long talks ahead, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.
~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:07pm

I'm not sure what about this you don't get........it seems like that you're self-dsciplined, goal focused, able to prioritize and sacrifice without resentment or regret.

And you've done that so well, so long...that you've fallen off the edge of doing that "to succeed" and you're doing it now in all situations with no "long term focus at all".

A guy who takes your car that you bought prior to marriage and lets you walk thru a terrible neighborhood becuase you're "willing' in light of his commute - he's not that into you.

He's never made the sacrifices, efforts, or had the self-requirement or goal focus you have...and you've been so focused you've failed to realize it. He wants what is easier, less impactive to him negatively...but that benefits him fully.

and you're so "willing to give and sacrifice now becuase that is what you do at the core, and what spouses do for one another....you're failing to get that he's not going to sacrifie for you now or ever...he didn't get wth you not to be upgraded and benefitted.

Sorry, but that is how it is.

No union rises above it's lowest "common standard". It's easy to be late iwth an excuse - than to be on time and prepared. It's easy to spend whatever on whatever offers instant gratification and then gripe becuase you don't have what would "enable long-term success."

And those things are his "style"...you won't rise above them you're just impacted by them.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:40pm

Well - I wouldn't go so far as to say he never sacrifices for me. I'm not the one who moved from California to Boston to be with him. He's the one that moved across the country to be with me. So - talk about sacrifice. He moved away from everything he knew to be with me.

It's also interesting to note that some of this can definately be my problem. I come from a family where my mom is the major breadwinner. My family went bankrupt when my father lost his job (I was a child at the time). My mom had a nursing degree and though she was a stay at home mom, she jumped up and got a job. My father wasn't one to sit on his rear end though. He jumped up and kept looking and did anything he could to keep working and keep us fed. We sold our house 2 days before it was going to be foreclosed on. We had a car repossesed. We moved 4 times in the subsequent 6 years, renting houses. We chose between a tree and a christmas present one year. I feel like I've learned the lessons being broke can teach you, so I've been very driven NOT to end up that way.

DH didn't come from money either, but his mother (his abusive father left when he was a teenager) is the ultimate victim. She's never worked a day in her life. She stays on government aid to this day because if she got a job, she'd be getting LESS money than she gets from the government. DH has never been in "plenty", but he had a great work ethic when he first moved out here. We didn't get married for a year or so after he moved out (and didn't live together until then).

I think he just loses his motivation from time to time. I'd almost wonder if he was bi-polar in some ways. When he's dedicated to something, you can't tear him away from it. When he's not interested in something, you can't get his attention for the world. I'm actually very much the same way.

Thanks for listening to my gripe!
Good news: My head hunter called today and said the new job is 99% mine, assuming they come back with the $$$. :)
-Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:49pm

Or, did he possibly move from CA to Boston so he could drive your car and you could take over bill paying for him? If so, then it's not much of a sacrifice.

It could be that he was motivated when he was single, but now that he's in a relationship, the only example he has to go by is the one his mother showed him. He may hold a job, but he sounds like he has some 'victim' tendencies.

It does sound like are driven to not end up like your parents, but you are making decisions that almost ensure it will happen. No matter how hard you fight against it by getting a second job now and then, you are right on the brink of financial disater, right?

I was raised by a single mother, and I never saw a man take care of his family while I was growing up. I grew up and married someone that let me be in control and take care of everything. It was good at first, but it got old. When I had a child, I realized he was my other child. I don't think his behavior is your problem, but I do think you might have picked him because he has certain traits that are familiar to you. We tend to repeat our parents mistakes unless we really explore how they have impacted us and can make a concious decision to make decisions that lead us down a different path.




Edited 4/21/2005 1:57 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 2:25pm

You've made some good points as well. I think we need to do some soul-searching and get back to the "team" we were before we got into this cycle.

For the record: He didn't even want to drive my car for a long time. It took him over a year after we got married to learn how to drive it (it's a stick). In Boston, he had free public transportation. When he moved out here, it was him walking everywhere and me driving. But since his commute is longer, it makes more sense. He did adjust his hours at work so he can pick me up in the evenings.

A man taking care of me... Ya know, I think I could get used to that, but I'd get awefully bored with it. It's kinda scary for me because this is the first time in my life I've been so dependant on someone else's income. We just can't make it on 1. We're not really in any danger of that happening, but I still have this irrational fear he'll become jobless and we'll get into hot water.

- Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 2:59pm

I'm not the one who moved from California to Boston to be with him. He's the one that moved across the country to be with me. So - talk about sacrifice. He moved away from everything he knew to be with me.

This might be your key to understanding whre you're coming from on this - because where you're coming from is dictating where you're going. I've been you...and him.

What exactly did he "lose' by moving to Boston to be with you? Did he have a spectacular career that he's had to reconstruct from the ground up by moving? Did he have a great network of friends and family that he loves and admires, that provide him support and encouragement? Did he have interests, personal involvements that he had ot leave completely behind and has had to restructure and recoup in a new location, with new people?

I used to use your reasoning on this one...and it did me in. Realize that a "victim mentality' is one that nothing i do is really going to get me what i want and need, which isn't concretely defined, and so therefore really all I do so pursue instant gratification vs.long-term success. I'm a victim to life, I have no control over my destiny, I'm hoping to be in the right place at the right time, probably wont' happen, so whatever comes along that is gratifying and fun in the presnt - do it - that is ALL there is to life.

That's a victim's approach.

With that approach.....it is not hard to "move" across the country....you're not leaving anything behind that you value and cherish...you really value and cherish nothing, and you do not consider yourself in a position of control, authority or responsibility for achieveing a great life anyway.

In short, ALL victims want alliance. They consider it the salvation from themselves, the safe haven in the storm, the sheild against the uncontrollable and unpredictable. If ever there was a phrase coined by a victim to life in general it was "misery loves company". Because miserable people seek and need alliance, and have absolutely no hesitation or reservation about what they involve with or who it is. they're involving simply with the 'entity and the benefits of it" - they're not aligned with the person out of respect and admiration.

Victimization as a mindset inspires "entitlement". Entitlement is "anything out there that I can get that I don't have to work for I deserve because of how crappy my life has been."

And from ehre - I could endless orate and won't....if you need more email me - I lived thru it, with t, around it, and came out of it.....but it is an exhausting and depleting journey to say the least.

So....if you're thinking that he gave up this great, full, complete, independent, self-defined, self-created, successful, secure life "to be with you" - you're wrong. What he's capble of achieving with you - is ALL he was capable of achieving on his own....in fact less, he's have the benefit and option of your abilities and assets to "prop him up".

So he didn't leave anything in CA worth having...and therefore it wasn't a sacrifice to "be with you"....it was an 'opportunity to be with all taht you offer"..and he didn't com there to be with "you" as an individual - and that is proven by everything that is in play right now.

Because a truly great relationship is founded in equality as a dynamic, mutual benefit as a stance, and honest communication as a tenant and requirement at all times. What's going on here is that whatever it is that you require of yourself which is at an extremely high standard.......is fine for you to do. Obviously, you do it without resentment or regret, you see it as a necessity...and on you go. And he thinks that whatever you're willing to offer, expend, sacrifice, endure, tolerate, or give on his behalf - is just fine...he's entitled to someone finally cutting him some slack, and providing him some benefits.....and he's not going to be any more involved in "furthering" the success than he was in creating it originally.

Here's something I'd like to offer...and if you'd like more please send me an email.....but basically 'where you look is where you go". And right now you're so focused on "not" ending up in your parents situation...that you can't focus on where you do want to be...and as a result by this alliance, you're going to end up precisely wehre it is you were so striving to avoid.

If I can help, let me know.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:29pm

It's not about being with a man that can take care of you, it's about being with a man that can take responsibility. And it's about two people taking care of each other. That is not something you would get bored with, trust me. You've taken responsibility for your situation and are desperately trying to improve it, but it's going to be so much harder because he can't. He likes it that way, he wants you to be in charge of fixing the problems and taking care of things.

From what you describe, it's not that he didn't want to drive your car because it's your car and you needed it, it's that he didn't know how to drive a stick so he couldn't! And the point is not that it makes sense because his commute is longer, it's that you can't carry cash or wear your work clothes to work because you walk through such a bad neighborhood. Don't ask yourself what he has sacrificed to be with you, ask yourself what are you sacrificing for his benefit and why are you both okay with you being in danger every morning? You should definitely explore getting back to being a team, but what you might be surprised to find is that he doesn't want to be a team. He will do the minimum you feel is acceptable so you will continue to be there for him and take care of things for him. He sounds a lot like my ex in that regard.

A lot of couples can't make it on one income, because they get two incomes and think well now they can raise their standard of living. It's very common but living that way isn't going to secure a solid financial future. Fearing the loss of a job is not irrational, it's realistic and most financially stable people do plan for that.

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