Living with a Ranter

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Living with a Ranter
13
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:41pm

Good Afternoon everyone.

My situation is that my fiance is a ranter. If he is angry over one little thing, he yells and screams and then that one little thing turns into bigger things and other things, and he screams and yells and screams and yells.

During the rants, he ALWAYS says that he loves me and asks "why are you doing this to me?" Sometimes I think that I am really doing something to him. But most of the time I think that he's just over-exaggerating things. His favourite time to rant is when we are in the car, commuting to work, at 7:00 in the morning. We are stuck together in the car for 45 minutes, and he'll start, and it seems that each time I ask him to stop, he goes harder.

This morning, as an example, he started by asking me why I pushed him away during sex on Friday night. I told him that I was just tired. I have told him over and over again, that as much as I love sex (and I really do), that waking me up for it in the middle of the night doesn't work for me. I feel too groggy and gross. Right when we go to bed is the best. Even though I've told him this, he still tries, and when I don't respond to him like I do otherwise. And even though he knows this, and tries, he gets aggravated and rants at me because his feelings are hurt. I can understand his feelings getting hurt the first time, but after explaining myself, I thought he would "get it". Also, I have talked to my doctor about the ranting and raving, and how I feel awful all the time, and she's put me on anti-depressants. I've only been taking them for about a week, but they aare supposed to help me sleep, which means that our sex life hasn't been the greatest in the last week (we usually do it three or four times a week, which is how we both like it). I told him right when I started the meds that I would be tired.

Anyway, he ranted about that, all the while I'm trying to tell him there's nothing wrong with our sex life, it's just that I'm tired from the meds, and I am not into it in the middle of the night (for the millionth time). Then, he flips into the fact that he watched the kids and cleaned all weekend, while I did nothing but have fun all weekend. See, I try not to spend too much time with him because we can have a great three or four hours together, but anything more than that, he rants. But this morning he was ranting because I didn't spend time with him, and I'm telling him it's because he rants. It's a vicious circle and it's driving me crazy. Literally. Then he starts ranting that I don't find him attractive and he's going to work out until he looks like superman and have plastic surgery and whatever it takes to make me want him again. I feel like I'm going nuts. By the time he got me to work, I felt like crying, (after he started ranting about me not loving his daughter), and when I was about to get at the car, he screamed "Just admit it! You hate me!". Which is a stupid thing to say!

I've been telling DF to start taking medication too, and maybe if we were both on it, that things would simmer down a bit.

I'm scared that we are going to fall apart. It feels like we're grasping at straws. I know I'm not perfect, but I think that I've done my part by trying to get help, and now I feel that he needs to do something.....anything....to stop this ranting. I keep thinking that he needs to grow up. I know that I'm right. I know it.

The sad thing is that I have a really good relationship with his Mom. She knows that he is like this, and he has been this way forever, because he was spoiled. And that's exactly what he acts like, a spoiled brat....almost like a 6 year old.

What can I do? is there anything that I can try to help him to be able to talk to me normally about my concerns instead of rant and rave? Anything besides offering an ultimatum?

Another thing is that he doesn't hit, or call names....and he treats me like gold when he isn't ranting. He is very romantic, and thinks the world of me.....but he is very jealous. And I know that is another red flag.

I'm very confused. I've been thinking about couple's counselling.....but I'm wondering if it would be more effective for me to start going to counselling on my own, or to a support group or something...but what kind of group or counselling should I be looking for?

Leaving him right now is not an optioin, because our life is not intolerable. The only thing that is intolerable is this ranting....

I plan to copy and post this on other boards to get different opinions. Thanks in advance!

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:30pm

Not really. I just think that there's something inside me that's wrong. There must be, because I'm putting up with this. And I don't feel well, so I'm hoping that medication will help me to see the "light", and it is a good step forward for us. He has followed suit, and has realized that there is actually a huge problem.

Thanks.

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 3:01pm

In your response on another board (Toxic Relationships) you indicated that you wanted to make this work because you felt "the grass is always greener", that you didn't want to go through the pain of a break up and that the kids are used to him. I've just got to tell you, that leaves me speechless. Honey, the grass doesn't look greener elsewhere, it IS greener, EVERYWHERE!!!! And as far as staying to avoid going through the "torment of starting over" I have to tell you, in getting out you'd find out that the torment is in your relationship, life outside is peaceful and non-tormenting. Starting over will be heaven, I promise. The kids are used to him? Good god, that's a huge reason to get away right there. They need to get away and stay away from this kind of guy.

As long as you stay, this will be hell and you're electing to stay. Please reconsider your life and the lives of your kids. Take a chance, on your own, it can only go up; unless you live in a concentration camp, then it would be about the same. This isn't fit for anyone to stay in - no matter what.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 2:31pm
I agree. The OP does her kids no favor by trapping them in an unhealthy family situation.

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