Long. DH Wont go to counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Long. DH Wont go to counseling
6
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 3:43pm

Nothing I do is good enough.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 8:45pm

Annie,

Believe it or not, this is really, really common. And while that may help a little, I know that knowing that isn't going to take care of the immeadiate issue.

I REALLY suggest reading the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think it's very pertinent to your situation. I also think you could handle going to a counselor, even if you go on your own. And sometime when you are happy with him, you need to sit down and write out what each of you think YOUR OWN role in the house/marriage is. And seriously, try the book. It's a quick easy read and it will give a lot of insights that may help.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 9:15pm
Thanks a lot Jen, I ordered the book from Amazon just now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:34am

Sassysylph, I completely understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry you've reached the point you're at now. I can't vouch for the book Jen suggested (plan to read it but haven't yet), though I can tell you it's often suggested by a few board members. (You can find a board thread about the book itself here:
The Five Love Languages...

This may be obvious, but you haven't said it and it's important. Does he know how desperate you are? Does he know how disillusioned, how far gone you are? Does he know you're at the point of no return, that the marriage is in serious danger? If it's possible, the time to really talk about issues is when there isn't a current problem. In your situation, I'd say it needs to be brought up asap regardless of current problems, you're headed for melt down. I hear what you're saying about not being able to communicate well where issues are involved, and I'm certain you've formulated a pattern of how you deal with each other in trying to talk about problems. The eye rolls, the angry outbursts, I'm sure it's pretty predictable by now, right? You might try starting out by telling him you have a very serious problem that you need to talk to him about. Tell him you're frustrated/concerned that you'll end up screaming and that's not what you want. Tell him this is an extremely serious issue that needs serious attention, not the same old dance steps. Hopefully that will get his attention and get him serious enough to make an attempt not to do the usual dance. Here are some really good articles on constructive arguing that could help you keep the discussion from going the same old way:

Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

Be frank and serious. Tell him you want the marriage to last but you can't continue this way much longer. When he agrees to counseling (betcha he does right away) tell him you can't survive another round of agreement, appointment, followed by cancellation. Be deadly serious and deadly urgent about this. And whether he agrees to counseling or not, yes, I absolutely think seeing a counselor on your own is a must. You've got a heavy load and you need some help.


I also think you want a few things besides what you've mentioned, like some help with the kids and house, for starters. You work on the business too, he can do some of the housework, too; after all, you're supposed to be partners, not boss and employee or master and slave. I've been a SAHM and understand how much work it really is, that it's a 24/7 job with no breaks. Living where you work makes for a pretty stressful life if you don't get away and you don't have help. When I was a SAHM I fully believed that it was my job to take care of the house (you're doing some work for your business so it doesn't exactly apply to you), and it used to just irk me that my husband would come home from his work, plunk himself down on the couch while I continued to do cook, do dishes, laundry, bath kids, etc., etc. I finally put a stop to it and told him that when he came home he was not off duty, he had simply changed jobs and now had the job title of PARENT. Further, I told him that if he was off duty at 5 p.m. so was I. No more laundry, dishes, or anything like that. If he could relax and enjoy his evening, so could I. I should also tell you my husband was far from great -- he was a functioning alcoholic and verbally abusive. Need I say I am no longer married to him?


One thing I truly highly recommend for getting back a little respect and clear understanding of exactly what it is you do all day, is for you to go away for several days. Go visit an out of town friend, your parents or someone. Do nothing for him ahead of time, no meals, no catching up on the laundry, no stocked fridge. Let him handle everything so he can see how easy your job really is. If you have it so easy, taking care of the kids and the house should be a piece of cake, right? I'm serious here. Leave him to take care of everything and let him find out exactly what it is you really do. If the house is less than it should be when you get back, insist on knowing what the heck the problem is. There's nothing like a taste of what your life is like to give him a huge amount of respect for what it is you do.



Personal experience here:

When my kids were somewhere around the ages of 5 and 1 1/2 I had to have some minor leg surgery that entailed my having to stay flat on my back, leg above my heart for three days. My husband took time off work to take care of things during that time. I should also Within hours of dealing with the house and kids he was frazzled. He was clearly having trouble trying to get things done while taking care of the kids (who always needed something) at the sam time. He even remarked that he was stunned at the fact that not only could he not finish a task without interruption, he honestly couldn't even finish a thought! He was emotionally exhausted and frustrated. By the end of the first day he had come to me specifically to tell me, "I don't know how you do this every day." By the second day, I was throwing the exact same comments that had become typical of him back his way. "The living room is a mess, what did you do all day?", "What do you mean you don't know what's for dinner?" He got it. After three days he was more than happy to go back to his paying job and escape the incredibly difficult job of staying home. He gained understanding of how much I actually did and as a result, I gained his respect. Nt only will you leaving for a while be a good reminder for him, but it will also be good for your kids. Time with dad on their own is important and valuable. This is one of those acts that lets everybody win, he gets a reality check and a good perspective, the kids get time with dad at the helm, and you get some much deserved time off!

Hang in there, make an appointment for yourself, and let us know how you're doing.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:30pm

You all might think I'm nuts or exaggerating but last night I


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:40pm

Annie,

I'm glad it seemed to fit your situation. And even though you bought the audio download (LOL! at that!), I would still recommend getting the book and reading through it. We borrowed it from the library and I'm planning on getting it in paperback so I can mark it up.

I'm glad last night went so much better for you. Good luck and keep us updated!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 9:55pm

How are things going, Sassy? Still good I hope?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"