Long distance marriage (LD)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Long distance marriage (LD)
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 11:26pm

I am in a LD Marriage. We have been married for a year. This is a short term arrangement and he plans to move where I am next year. However I am dreading the move because when we first dicussed getting married, I knew that one of his sons would come with him. But he didnt' mention he wanted his mother to come until last week. First off I should mention that my husband has multiple sclerosis and is now legally blind. We are already trying to cope with this illness, but one of his sons is autistic. His mother is nearly 600 pounds and he just informed me that she lived with him during his first marriage and he wants her to live with us too. I have already rasied my kids and feel that I will become a nurse. I was ready to deal with my husband's illness but now he wants to bring his mother. When I told him why can't she have her own apartment he said no she can't take care of herself. But I told him they have assisted living apartments where someone can come in and assist her with the things she needs. I find it disturbing that when she has to go to the bathroom it is her autistic grandson who has to take care of her bodily functions. He puts the bedpan under her and collects her you know what. I thought it kind of weird especially when she said she prefers for her grandson to do that rather than her home attendant. I am feeling guilty because I know that as a christian wife I should not just think of myself but I have toiled so long and just when I thought I would get some freedom now I have a lot on my plate to consider. Added to this problem is that due to my husband's illness he is impotent. Neither viagra or cialis helps. The doctor said this was a result of the MS. He continues to gain weight (over 300 pounds) and when I change his foods he eats junk when he is out of my sight. I am ashamed to admit that when he takes off his clothes I am disgusted and turned off. He looks like a piglit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 10:53pm

So what did you get out of this marriage?  While there is a lot of give and take in any relationship, there is no sense being married when it is so one-sided (based on your description).  Since he is impotent, and you two have not lived together, it is perhpas possible to have it annulled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 1:29am

I don't think having mom move in with you is something you have to do.  This is a partnership and is not something you agreed on.  Just because he says this is how it has to be does not mean you have to accept it.  You have every right to tell him it is not acceptable to you and you will not have it.  You SHOULD take that stand.  

The situation you describe with mom and the autistic son is abusive to the son.  There is nothing appropriate about it, it is wrong, wrong, wrong.  

You can't make someone change.  If they aren't interested in improving themselves, their diet, etc.  you can't force it.  Your not his mom and your actions to get him on the wrong path are controlling behaviors that won't help, as you've seen.  Unless he wants to change, you can't force it.  The person who needs the change has to be the one at the forefront of making the change happen.  Having spent a lot of time trying to change my ex-husband I learned this the hard way.  It just makes sense that the person who has to take the lead has to be the person needing the change.  I understand you want him to lose weight and be healthier, but you can't make it happen.  It has to be his desire.

I'm wondering...your marriage is long distance, was your engagement long distance too?  How much actual time have you spent with your husband, from dating to marriage?  Why did you marry him?  Honestly, from what you've presented it sounds like a pretty grim place to be and I wonder why you'd commit yourself to that life?

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 2:17am

What are the good points of your relationship with your husband? Have you and he ever lived together? Did you know before you got married that he was impotent? Or was he able to perform with you before, and just recently became impotent? Do you love him so much that you are willing to have a sexless marriage?

"I am feeling guilty because I know that as a christian wife I should not just think of myself but I have toiled so long and just when I thought I would get some freedom now I have a lot on my plate to consider."

In marrying this man, I'm not sure how you thought you would get some freedom. It sounds like he and his son will require a lot of time and energy. Plus, unless your H changes his diet and loses the weight, he will be probably be adding diabetes and heart disease to the list of his health problems that YOU will have to manage.

Does his mother live with him now, that's why he wants to bring her? What did you think the arrangement for her care would be when you and he discussed him moving to your city? I don't think its right for him to spring it on you now that he intends for her to live with you.

What was your hope in posting here? Advice, or just a place to vent? What are the ages of you, your H, and his son?