Long distance relationship problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Long distance relationship problem
46
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:28pm

My boy friend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few months. I had been noticing recently that he was becoming more and more irritated and short tempered during our phone conversations. Now he admits to being very horny and has aked my permission to sleep with a friend (refused to reveal her identity). He insists that she is only a friend and he will be upfront with her that this is only sex and no more. He says he won't do anything if I say no, but it's getting really hard for him to go without sex.

I have tried to give the matter fair consideration. I am going without sex too and I have no plans to screw anyone while Im in a relationship with him. How do you propose I should respond to his request. Is it harder for men to go without sex compared to women? Would I be unfair to him if I said no? Its hard to say yes because I do love him and I cant imagine him with another woman. Would he ask me something like this if he loved me?

The fact that we don't expect to be together for at least one year more (due to various reasons) doesn't help the situation much. Can there be any other solution to this problem? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.




Edited 11/17/2005 2:39 pm ET by java482

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:39pm

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~~You can sleep with whomever you want, you just need to let me know first so I can send your stuff back to you. Or something along those lines.

It is a load of CRAP that men get so horny that they "HAVE" to have sex with someone. Yeah, cause women just don't get horny unless their SO's are around so we never have that trial. Sure, men can get moody and really want sex if it's been awhile. They can also control themselves. And if he can't....

What would you tell him if the two of you were married and separated (distance wise) for a time and he asked if he could sleep with someone and wouldn't even reveal who? Would you figure it was okay then? Cause the exact same reasoning could be applied there. Or if there was a medical reason (childbirth, pregnancy complications, etc) that meant you couldn't have sex?

Just cause I'm wondering, just how long has it been since you've seen him?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:46pm

Hi

Thanks for the reply. Yes, i have wondered about the exact same issues. What if I had to go away for a few motnhs after we were married? What if I couldnt have sex for a long period of time during marriage?

We havent seen each other for six months and dont expect to for one more year. After thinking about this I also came up with the same answer you gave. That if you cant wait for me and abstain yourself duing our relationship, we might as well not have a relationship. Its just that he insisted it was different for men to control their sexual desires and not having sex was leading to mood swings and depression on his part. This confused me and I wanted a second opinion on the issue.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:51pm

Unless you can be ok with this (and I would sure have a hard time...I suspected that my last bf, which was an LDR, was sleeping with other women but never had any proof), then I think it would be best to end the relationship or at least put it on hold until you're able to be together (and date other people in the meantime).

I'm just not sure how you'd be able to trust him to not be sleeping with other women after this, even if you say no and he says ok.

I don't think it's "harder" for men as a gender to go without sex...it's not a gender issue, IMO, it's an individual issue. Anyone "can" go without sex (I mean, seriously, there's always self-love, ya know???)...it's a matter of willingness and character.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:53pm

I guess we were typing at the same time, but all I can say is, OMG!!! He really expected you to BUY that crock of you know what????

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:58pm

Well, this could be emotional black mail but i'd like to believe that he is being honest. He says he doesn't want to cheat on me. ALthough it would be easier for him to go sleep with anyone without letting me know, he wanted to talk to me about the problem and ask for my permission. He says I am still the priority in his life and he wont want to jeopardize our relationship. Hence he will only sleep with soemone else if I permit him to do so. As for "self love" the subject did come up and he is not for it because he believes its unhealthy (go figure).

I do agree with you that not going wihtout sex is a matter of willing ness and character. ALso, it has only been six months sice he has been without sex, not six years. But he claims that as time is passing by its getting harder for him.

Unfortunately, its not easy for me to just leave because I do love him. I can't even suggest an open relationship due to this reason.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:01pm

Ok, that had got to be just about the strangest disconnect I've seen in a while...masturbating is unhealthy, but sleeping with another woman is ok, so long as he has your permission??? What the?????

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:02pm

LOL

I think its a gender problem. Women tend to be fools in love. We will believe anything which is dished out to us. I so want to trust him because I love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:05pm

As for "self love" the subject did come up and he is not for it because he believes its unhealthy


_______________________________________


THUNK! (jaw hitting my desk)


I'm sorry, and this is soley my opinion, but that is a large wagon of horse hockey.... a very large wagon load,


Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:06pm

To quote his point of view:

the woman he is going to sleep with is healthy and free from STDs cos he wont want to put his and my health at risk. Masturbation on the other hand is unnatural.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:12pm

Yeah...okie dokie.

That's amazing. Is he really religious or something? But if that were the case, he wouldn't be thinking of sleeping with someone else...

I'm thinking this is a load of hooey right along with the depression and mood swings stuff he's trying to get you to buy.

Sheri

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